That’s been my general coming out tactic lately, and I think I’ve mentioned it once or twice before on this blog. Today, K paused (awkwardly, I felt) and said, “Oh, yeah.”

I like “You know I’m trans, right?” because it gives me – the one coming out – some amount of power. It’s absolutely a leading question, which means there’s a social impetus on whoever I’m speaking with not to say, “No! Oh my god! You’re trans!?” The pressure is there for them to agree, say they knew I was trans, and move on.

At the same time, I’m coming to dislike using this as a way to come out (or verify that I don’t need to) because of that same pressure. I always want the response to be, “Oh, wow. No, I didn’t know that,” because it’ll make me feel better about my presentation as a woman. (It’s happened on occasion, but not frequently.)

I’m curious how (or if) other people handle similar issues? I consider my work environment (at this job, specifically) to be somewhere I’m comfortable enough to joke about my trans identity. At the same time, I needed to make explicit that aspect of my identity to K. Or did I? I obviously could have either kept my mouth shut, or told the joke and not explain it. But I’m not thrilled with either of those options.

What would you have done?

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

[Dear boss]

It is with regret that I submit this letter of resignation for the position of General Manager, even though I look forward to the opportunities ahead. My time at [work] has not been without its ups and downs, but I have learned an unspeakable amount and found much more pleasure working at [work] than frustration.

Ultimately, I am leaving to pursue my own artistic passions. Working at [work] full time while attempting to give myself the artistic room and focus I need has been extremely difficult. In the end, it has been unsustainable, forcing me to choose between an organization and a community about which I care deeply, and creating work of my own.

It has not been an easy decision to come to, and I can only hope it is the right one.

In resigning as the General Manager, I want to make two things clear. First, that I hold no hard feelings concerning [work]’s need for a full time General Manager. I sincerely want [work] to flourish and grow, and am eager to see where [work] is three years down the road, and five, and ten.

Second, that I want my departure from [work] to be as smooth and amicable as possible.

To that end, I have some flexibility in my schedule for leaving [work] and have more of a proposal for my departure than a firm end-date. Specifically, I imagine staying on as General Manager until Friday, August 6, the last day of camp, either in my current 25 hr/week schedule or, as needed, returning to my previous 35 hr/week schedule. Should my assistance be necessary beyond August 6, I would be happy to stay on in a more part-time capacity. In addition, I would like to offer my technical support skills to [work] for as long as necessary, either on an hourly basis or a monthly retainer. Please feel no obligation to take me up on that offer but, again, I want to make sure that I am not abandoning [work] in any way.

Finally, I hope that I will be leaving [work] in a stronger place than it was when I joined, two and a half years ago. The [building where work is] has been my home for fifteen years – just about as long as it has been [work]’s – and I have no intention of walking away. Expect to see me at classes, benefits, and shows for many years to come, because as much as I will no longer be [work]’s General Manager, I certainly hope to still be part of its family.

In light of this letter, I was imagining our scheduled employee evaluation for this Thursday, July 22, could function both as an evaluation and as a brainstorming session for how to make my departure as smooth as possible for all parties.

Thanks for everything,
Rebecca

CC: [other boss]
CC: [board president]

I feel like a fool for even considering that. And I feel like my heart has already made up its mind.

I don’t hate my job. I don’t love it – particularly these last few months – but I do like the work I’m doing. I just don’t like my bosses and, more and more, I don’t like my job pulling me away from the art that I want to be doing.

Every financial and logical bone in my body is telling me to not fucking quit my well-paying and (all things considered) relatively flexible job before I’ve found a replacement. I have some savings, and have zero debt, but it’s not like I could live forever with no (or minimal) source of income.

That said, I really want to see if I can make a swing of this whole ‘artist’ thing. And to do that, I need more time to write, more time to rehearse, more time to apply to workshops and conferences, more time to try and tour to colleges and schools, more time, more time, more time.

And so I drift toward resigning, without a clear concept of what “next” would be.

Terrifying.

They communicate poorly (both with each other and their employees), aren’t respectful or appreciative, are dismissive and rude, always assume the worst – both of situations and individuals – and they’re slowly driving me insane.

So I think I’m going to actively start looking for another job, and put in my notice as soon as I find one. (Hopefully sooner rather than later.)

It’d be emotionally satisfying to just put in my notice right now. Or even say I won’t be in on Monday. I could afford to be unemployed, if pressed, at least for a little while. I have some savings, and wouldn’t die hungry on the street. But I also don’t have to dip into my savings, and it seems stupid to do so just for a bit of childish “so there!”

I hope I’ll be able to find something soon, though. I just got word that I was turned down for the health insurance I’d applied for, meaning I’m stuck on my current (fucking expensive) plan. Until December, when it ends. I have a few other insurance options I’m looking into, but it seems doubly stupid to quit a job that pays for my insurance (which mine does) until I can at least find cheaper insurance. If not, ideally, find another job, too.

And I know that my dream job probably doesn’t exist: something in arts administration that pays OK and is interesting, but is only ~25 hours a week, giving me more time and flexibility to focus on writing and performing. I’ve asked my bosses about changing my current job to something more like what I want, but it sounds like that isn’t going to happen.

Change is scary, but I think this change is necessary…

The building was closing at midnight, which meant that everyone needed to be out. I remember (and text messages with coworkers confirm) that at about 11:40PM there were still maybe a dozen people in our very small office. I apparently decided that it would be a good idea to sing a version of “All Around the Mullberry Bush” that culminated with me yelling “BECCA NEEDS YOU TO GET OUT OF THE BUILDING!” I was not drunk – I’d had a single small drink – but I was extremely tired.

My boss was there,  but took slight mental breakdown with good humor.

Today, though, I’m going to try and start thinking about looking for a new job as an opportunity to look for something, rather than run away from something.

This has been a slow realization all week, culminating with yesterday and today. Last night, while crying to my roommate, I realized I was only thinking about leaving. Leaving my job, leaving my obnoxious bosses, leaving my pre-transition memories, leaving, leaving, leaving. I wanted – for once in my life – to feel like I was traveling toward something. Then, today, I found a job listing for 25-30 flexible hours a week doing support work at a web design firm. That seemed like a really good place to use a wide variety of my skills while giving me more time to focus on writing and performing. (We’ll pretend for a moment the money would be perfect.)

For the first time in quite some time, I felt like I might be able to look forward to something, rather than back away from something.

After talking with my therapist tonight, I don’t think I’m going to completely write off my current job, as I have been. But I’m going to try and frame it in that same way: can I modify the job – my responsibilities, the way I interact with my bosses, the way I think about myself in it, whatever – to feel like I’d be looking forward to this revision, rather than just running away from what I don’t like? I don’t know what the answer is. I may end up deciding that, yes, I want to explore a new opportunity. But I’m going to try really hard to frame what I’m doing as looking ahead, rather than looking back.

We have one barter student, I’ll call him Steve, who is a bit much. He’s really friendly, and very enthusiastic about helping out. He loves taking classes and, without a doubt, is dedicated to doing whatever job is given to him. And yet…

My landlords have an absolutely adorable mastiff, Ruthie. She’s loving, friendly, and would never hurt a fly. But she’s huge. I explained Steve to a friend, saying “Steve is friendly in the same way Ruthie is a lapdog.”

That is to say, Steve is too friendly, and with no concept of boundaries or limits. The one or two times we’ve had him help with filing in the office, all work stopped because he couldn’t keep his mouth shut. We’ve had to find specific jobs for him that would let him work outside the office, so we could get our work done.

To make interactions with Steve more frustrating, he’s a hugger.

To be clear, I like hugs. I like physical contact. I like closeness. But only with people I’m comfortable with, and in situations where I’m in some amount of control. Steve does not give any of that feeling, since he apparently hugs everyone he thinks he’s friendly with. (Meaning, seemingly, everyone he knows.)

We talked about this in the office the other day, and everyone agreed that Steve’s hugs were unwanted and unreciprocated. One of my coworkers said she’s indicated, through body language, that his hugs aren’t welcome and he backed off. I thought about this, and decided I’d do something similar the next time I saw Steve.

The chance came soon after, because he stopped in the office late this past week. However, I did not succeed in indicating, subtlety and politely, that I didn’t want to be hugged. Instead, I bumped into him while leaving the office and, when he went to hug me, I literally jumped back about a foot, as if escaping the path of a falling object. He sort of said, “Oh,” and stuck out his hand. I awkwardly shook it, and fled the office.

I then hid in the hallway until he left, after which I found one of my coworkers had covered for me by saying, “Yeah, Rebecca really doesn’t like hugs.”

Except I don’t think this should have been an issue in the first place. The default assumption should be to not hug people, rather than Steve’s apparent assumption that everyone deserves (and wants!) a hug.

I’m sorry I didn’t handle things explicitly, though. Rather than leaping away in an awkward display of my own discomfort, I should have just taken a step back and said, “I don’t want a hug, Steve.” It really didn’t need to be any more complicated than that.

Even though the assumption of consent is unreasonable in the first place.

(For further reading, check out the book Yes Means Yes, which has an essay on this very topic. And lots of other awesome essays. Edit: I’d also like to give a shout-out to the post A Letter at the blog City of Ladies, which is written as a letter to a Steve-like individual.)

I asked why, and she showed me the key request EU had put in. Specifically, my name.

“(Old name)/Rebecca”

That’s right, EU had put my male name -slash- Rebecca.

Now, I’m confident he didn’t mean any disrespect, and probably thought it would relieve any possible confusion in the building office. Except that I’ve worked in the building longer than he has, been full-time at work (and in life…) since January, long before he started at the building, and everyone knows I’m Rebecca. So he clearly didn’t think very hard.

I’m not that upset, and a lot what’s there really stems from unrelated transition frustrations, but it really got my morning off to a bad start.

Then, shortly before I was going to leave for the day, I got an email from the Executive Directors at two theatres in Chicago, inviting me (and a host of other people) to a “Chicago Women in Theatre” night for General Managers, Managing Directors, and Executive Directors of Chicago theatres. That one email totally turned my day around (as a bonus, I’m actually free the evening they’re going to hold it) and made me feel a lot better about work, life, the transition, you name it.

It’s kind of amazing how a little thing like that can really make you feel better. And maybe that’s not a little thing – it’s a sign that A) someone included me in the list of people worth thinking of in the Chicago theatre scene, and B) someone included me on the list of women worth thinking of in the Chicago theatre scene. But, later tonight, when I had my car at the shop (Sparky’s OK, don’t worry) it felt really good to be recognized and called by name, and complimented on my (pretty mundane) shoes.

And that is a little thing, but I’m holding onto it just the same.

Well, today the special events director, RW called the guy who did it. She started the conversation something along the lines of, “So I wanted to discuss the…incident…that happened this past weekend at the benefit. Do you know what I’m talking about?”

At that point, D responded, “Wait, are you joking? You mean when I grabbed [male name]‘s fake boob?”

The full story below…

So last Friday, before the benefit, D came by to pick up some things for a gig he was working the next day. He saw me in the hallway and said, “Oh, hi [male name]. I didn’t expect to see you like that…” He hadn’t seen me since I’d transitioned at work, so I said, “Yeah, I’m actually going by R now.” He paused, shrugged, and I helped him get out the stuff he needed for the gig. I assumed that was the end of that.

Apparently, he thought I was in costume for the show we were doing that evening (which I was and am not in) and was getting into character… He didn’t stay to see the show, so when he saw me at the benefit he assumed I was still in character and decided to be silly and honked (what he thought was) my fake drag boob.

He couldn’t figure out why I was pissed (somewhat understandable from his perspective) and was thus super-confused when RW called saying it was an ‘incident.’

He was apparently quite mortified when RW explained things to him, and was super apologetic. She said it seemed like he’d probably send me an apology, by way of her (as I’d said I didn’t want any contact with him). All in all, I think it’s probably the best way a bad situation could turn out, as I’d rather him be oblivious than an asshole…

At the same time,  part of me would rather have D know I was trans and just be a jackass than think I was just a guy in drag… I could deal with being groped by a bigot, but not ”passing,’ even by someone who I wasn’t out to and so had no reason to try and see me as a woman?  That does hurt, and I don’t know how easily I’ll be able to forgive him for the that, something that – even after talking with RW – probably wouldn’t occur to him as a cause for insult.

-R

PS – I’m really offended he thougt my breasts were fake! I’ve worked fucking hard to grow these, and I’ll be damned if he calls them fake!

Anyway, I’ve been stressing: having trouble getting to sleep, feeling nervous and panic-y, all the stuff I was talking about in early December.

I realized one of the things that helped me then was listing all the stressors, so I figured I’d try that again now:

• Relationship/transitioning issues with G
• Feeling like I don’t have enough time for all the things in my life and for myself. ‘All the things in my life’ includes:
  • Monday: Therapy
  • Tuesday: Workshop rehearsal for the piece I’m directing (and now, conflicting, a weekly theatre thing with friends)
  • Wednesday: Trans youth group
  • Thursday: Workshop class I’m teaching (starts next week)
  • Friday: Blissfully nothing, and the stress of using downtime ‘well’
  • Saturday: A class I’m taking; more Workshop rehearsal
  • Sunday: Rehearsal for a friend’s recital piece that I don’t really want to do but am doing as a favor to her
  • (And, of course, a full-time job)
• Money, specifically paying off hair removal (3/4 of the way there, but I want it off my back)
• Buying a new wardrobe (partially linked to ‘money’; I have, like, six or seven tops that I can reasonably wear to work that I just keep cycling through)
• Feeling insecure in the transition (to be the subject of a longer post, one of these days)

Boo! Stress, stress, go away, and don’t come back another day!

-R