For the sake of disclaimers: I’m going to assume the commenter has the best of intentions. However, I have no obligation to respond to (let alone allow in the first place) any comments on this blog, particularly ones who say I my resources “could be spent better” on something other than “the wild goose chase” of transitioning. Likewise, it is not my obligation to educate you. Google, Wikipedia, your local library – all places that can and do provide informative resources for your further education. Lastly, unless otherwise noted, I speak for no one but myself. I make no claim for my experience to be representative of anyone’s but my own.

All that said, lets get to the comment. I’ll selectively quoting here, so check out the original if you want the full text.

Say you do transition successfully.  HRT, facial feminization, vaginoplasty from some world class doctor in Thailand.  Lazer stuff for the hair, face, legs, etc.  Doctors examine you and you present as female.

What then?  Have you arrived?  Do you continue to feel as though you “don’t fit”, which is presumably why you began this journey in the first place?

I don’t feel like my transition is over, so I don’t know how I’ll feel when I’m done (or if there will ever be such a clear-cut finish line). But, based on my experiences transitioning over the past two years – and of talking about my identity as trans for much longer – I can speak to how I feel right now.

I’m happier, more well-adjusted, more confident, and more assertive than I was before I started transitioning. I’m not only speaking about how I feel, but how the people around me perceive me to act. Anyone who has been following this blog knows it hasn’t been a smooth journey, and I foresee ups-and-downs in the future as well. Transitioning has been a positive experience, but it’s also really fucking difficult. So I’m not attempting to sugar-coat things, or say that transitioning has been a universally wonderful experience filled with rainbows and green fields of butterflies.

Yet, I do feel like I “fit” better now than I did a few years ago…into the world, into socializing with friends, into myself. My Personal Troll misses the non-physical aspects of transitioning, too – the above list of criteria for “transitioning successfully” is all physical. I’m not saying the physical isn’t important (it is) or I’d want to de-transition (I don’t). But the way I interact with friends, family, coworkers, loved ones, has shifted for the better. The way I think of myself has shifted. The ways I allow myself to be expressive have shifted.

I don’t think “not fitting” is the best description I’ve heard for why people transition, but it’s also not the worst: something didn’t fit before I transitioned – others’ perceptions of me, my perceptions of myself, how I interacted with the world,  and that something is slowly changing.

That’s my argument.  Please name me some very successful transgendered individuals, people who are widely known and recognized as successful leaders and teachers and individuals, because I don’t know any.

No. There are quite a few lists out there that can do it for me, complete with artists, doctors, athletes, journalists, heads of industry, and more (as a quick Google search would have shown you). But I don’t see how that’s a useful benchmark to begin with – it strikes me too much as “But there aren’t any successful [racial or social group], so obviously they can’t be successful!” Requiring “widely known” success for the validity of trans experiences, in a world that is so transphobic, seems somewhat like you’ve decided on the answer before asking the question.

But all that also ignores my lived experience, and requires me to justify the existence of all trans individuals. I’m successful: I have a full time job in my chosen field, manage an organization with a half-a-million dollar budget, teach middle- and high-school students regularly, and help old ladies cross the street. (Well, maybe not that last one.) Ultimately, it seems like you not knowing of any successful trans people seems to be a shortcoming on your part, not theirs.

It seems that all the resources used by individuals to change their physical bodies and processes to “change gender” could be spent better.  All that money, all that anguish, all the fighting against the system, and what do you gain?  Will you really gain the peace you seek?  Or are you stuck in a continuous loop of unfulfillment because instead of dealing with the hand you were dealt, you decided to discard that hand?  Instead of learning the true meaning of “happiness” and finding it in what you have, you go off on the wild goose chase, the search for the holy grail, the elusive “peace” that is sure to come when you look completely like a woman.  Right?

I’m going to get this out of my system, because seeing a string of questions makes me want to be glib: Contentment, yes, no, no.

But seriously…

I’m not asking you to help pay for my transition. Well, actually, I am. I want Obama’s health care plan to include transitioning costs for very selfish reasons. So maybe it’s not totally unreasonable to require me to justify why your (the general populace’s) money go towards helping me grow boobs.

I’m going to ignore medical evidence, genetic testing, brain scans, and all other tests I have never taken to ‘prove’ I’m trans and put things more simply: I would be dead had I not transitioned. I would have taken a knife, or a bottle of pills, or a walk along a high bridge, and killed myself. I’m not speaking metaphorically (“I’ll kill myself if I don’t get this work done!”) but quite literally.

I would be dead.

That’s why I transitioned, and that’s why it’s worth all the money and anguish and fighting the system. Because the alternative was, quite literally, to end my own life. I’ve sat with a knife in my hand, I’ve gotten pills out of the cabinet, and I’ve mapped the way to the nearest bridge that I thought would do the job. But the reason I’ve never actually tried to kill myself was because possibly, maybe, some day, I’d be able to transition and be who I knew I could be, with just a little help.

Ask your questions to someone with diabetes and see how they respond. See how they feel about finding contentment “with what they have.” Cutting off my access to hormones (as a stand-in for the transition in general) and you’ll kill me just as surely as if you cut off a diabetic’s supply of insulin. I have a medical condition whose the treatment involves something that, for many, seems ridiculous. But it’s deadly serious, and very real, to me.

(And again, I realize that it’s tempting to focus on transitioning as the desire to “look completely like a woman,” but it’s really more than that. I’ve described transitioning as “Moving from presenting myself as and interacting with the world as a man to doing so as a woman.” Yes, appearance is part of that (“presenting myself as…”) but it’s not the only part. How I move through the world is just as important, and if I physically transitioned but everyone still treated me the same and called me by my male name, I’d still feel like things “didn’t fit.”)

I’m not saying that your transition isn’t valid, I’m not saying that you shouldn’t do it, I’m not saying you’re wrong or that you will never be a real woman.

It really does sound like you’re saying all those things. You may not be intending to say them, but I don’t know how to read “It seems that all the resources used by individuals to change their physical bodies and processes to “change gender” could be spent better” other than “your transition isn’t valid, you shouldn’t do it, and you’re wrong.”

What I am saying is this: What is your transition going to change?  What is it going to resolve for you that was so unresolved that you felt you had to take this path?  How is this path going to help YOU?  It’s going to greatly benefit trans-surgeons and doctors and everyone you’re going to pay for your procedures, but what about you?  Does this path really bring happiness?

That’s all I’d like to know.  That’s the only part that really worries me– I’ve read and heard horror stories of how people do get to the other side and feel just as lost as they did before, which leads me to wonder if the transition is just another symptom, not necessarily a solution.

Again, I refuse to speak for others. I’m not going to comment on people who have transitioned and regretted it, except to say that there have been people who were misdiagnosed in other areas of medicine and paid the price for incorrect treatment as well.

But, speaking for myself, the transition is going to change how others perceive me and, more importantly, how I perceive myself. It’s going to resolve the disconnect between my presence in the world and what my mind expects my presence to be. It’s going to help me stay content, stay who I am, stay alive.

Which isn’t to say transitioning automatically makes (or keeps!) me happy. But not transitioning was making me unhappy (suicidal, even). So transitioning gets this huge block out of the way, so I can focus on simply living. Transitioning allows me to focus on the important things, finding peace in what I have, and lifts a weight of unhappiness so I can focus outwardly, on the world around me, rather than forever focusing inward on myself.

If you had lead weights attached to your soul, they’d weigh you down every day of your life. And of course removing them would make a difference.

Sorry for the super long comment and I want to apologize if anything I’ve said here offends you– it’s not my intention, and I’d appreciate your consideration.

I don’t think your comment was offensive so much as ignorant. I hope this post helps you – or someone else out there – understand that transitioning isn’t about you. Your questions, well-intentioned as they may have been, were operating from a position of privilege: your body automatically matched your brain, so no work was required to achieve that level of congruity, a level which the vast majority of the world is blind to out of never having thought about it.

And others have said this before. I’m glad you’ve enjoyed my blog enough to feel like it was a place to ask, and I’m not attempting to cut off discussion, but I bet you could have found answers to most of your questions by typing them into Google.

AFTERTHOUGHT, 9/24/09 – Following a comment below from My Personal Troll, I want to make a correction. “Ignorant” literally means “lacking in knowledge or training.” But, in real life, “ignorance” has negative connotations about and beyond a simple lack of knowledge.

In the literal sense, I do think the questions were displaying ignorance as they showed a lack of knowledge. But that’s an inherent part of asking questions. Otherwise, why ask them? I’m ignorant about lots of things, and hope I’ll be able to ask questions to remove my ignorance.

But few people actually use ignorance in that literal of a fashion, and I admit I wasn’t doing so here. I want to apologize to My Personal Troll for indicating that the questions she asked were ignorant, with the implied insult “ignorant” usually carries. I’m sorry, and I hope she’ll be able to forgive me.

With that out of the way, I would like to rephrase how I originally closed this post:

I don’t think your questions were offensive, and (in reference to your comment below) I’m sorry you haven’t been able to find satisfying answers to them elsewhere.  I had luck finding answers online to similar questions when I was first exploring trans issues, and when I get home later I’ll try to post some links I had found helpful.

However, a number of the things you said – your “argument,” your assertion that resources used for transitioning could be better-spent elsewhere, your quotes around “change gender” – were skating the edge of offensive. (Hence the whole “Edge of Trolling” concept in the first place.)

So I’m glad you’ve enjoyed my blog enough to feel like it was a place to ask questions, and I’m not attempting to cut off discussion, but I do think you could have asked your questions in a more neutral fashion. It sounds like you’re not coming from a place of neutrality on transitioning, which is fine, but your perspective did rub me the wrong way as a jumping-off point to discussion and I hope you and others will keep that in mind if/when this discussion continues.

Yet another comment to Misogyny and the Male Gaze, which is apparently where baby trolls go to learn how to fly:

No amount of blogging, self denial, surgery, or hormone pills is ever gong to change this fact:

Born a man, always a man. Born a woman, always a woman.

This is straight, clear cut science. It cannot be argued against. It’s as solid as 1+1=2.

Mmm. Smell that? Some lovely proof by assertion, with a hint of You’re arguing with opinions not fact, vintage 2009.

I think the only appropriate course of action is to respond in kind:

No amount of trolling, assertion, rejection, or dismissal is ever going to change this fact:

Gender is more complicated than what’s between your legs, or what you were assigned at birth.

This is straight, clear cut science. It cannot be argued against. It’s as solid as 1+1=2.

See? I can make assertions without backing them up, too! I could back them up, referencing some of the various different ways that gender is more complicated than “Born a man, always a man. Born a woman, always a woman.” (And that’s without even getting into trans issues!) But that would be silly.

Likewise, I could respond by stating that my own lived experience gives the lie to your assertions. That your argument boils down to how no true Scotsman would ever transition in the first place, and therefor I must not “really” be a woman. That stating “It’s as solid as 1+1=2″ does not magically make it so.

But since all of those arguments are hypothetical, and nothing I’d ever actually put forth as a response, I guess you win: My transition has been for naught, and I shall now attempt to rebuild the shambles of my gender-confused life.

For now, I wanted to turn once again to comments that are barely questionable as trolling.  That is, comments that are almost certainly posted just to be obnoxious, but there’s the slimmest sliver of a chance the person honestly thinks that way and isn’t intending to be inflammatory. This latest comment was posted to in reference to Misogyny and the Male Gaze:

What I love about trans is this:  They were sensitive and easily hurt to begin with, but now they feel they have a reason.  The dude’s always bothered you because he doesn’t think like you, but now the way he thinks *directly* deals with you, or so you think.

Get over it.  Yes, you are “a pair of tits with a dick”, and lots of people are going to see it that way.  Is that cool and fair and right? No.  But how many minds are you changing by whining about it?  Whining implies that you have no balls.

I mean, cry all you want, but you had your chance, still have your chance to be the man you were born as, so I think the crying is a little weird, forced and irrelevant at this point.

How delightful!

We’ll jump over that first paragraph, including why trans should be used as an adjective and not a noun, to get to the meat of things.

Get over [people offending you]. Yes, you are “a pair of tits with a dick”, and lots of people are going to see it that way.  Is that cool and fair and right? No.

Not really trolling so far. Not great advice, or delivered with any particular tact, but there is something to be said for the “toughen up and grow thicker skin” school of thought.

But how many minds are you changing by whining about it?  Whining implies that you have no balls.

That’s where the comment really takes a trollish turn. First, I’d say I was attempting to create and engage in a discussion around A) How my views about women have changed now that I’m living as one full time, and B) What to do about people who step on or offend those views. Whining, although certainly something I’ve engaged in (and undoubtedly will again) is a different beast. (BTW: I love the use of ‘peevish’ in linked definition.) Of course, in saying this, I forget that anyone who disagrees with a man about the objectification of women must be whining.

Likewise, I think telling someone who is on hormones – hormones whose major goals are reducing testosterone and increasing estrogen – that they have no balls is a hilarious choice of insults. I can only hope that the irony is intentional.

I mean, cry all you want, but you had your chance, still have your chance to be the man you were born as, so I think the crying is a little weird, forced and irrelevant at this point.

At last we reach the heart of a good troll (each item comes with its own Derailing for Dummies link!)

1. The chance to be dismissive of my identity as a trans woman (“…you had your chance, still have your chance to be the man you were born as…”)
2. Making claims I’m being overemotional
3. Simultaneously claiming my offense is feigned and forced

Anyone have any more to add, or have I hit ‘em?

sorry, but cis trumps. Born this way. You chose the new territory, so perhaps you’ll be able to be a feminist in time, but right away? No way

Once again, I think I’m just going to quote myself:

Neither Dictionary.com, nor Wikipedia, nor Stanford, nor any other resource I could find indicates feminism is a philosophy exclusive to women, or people raised as women. Feminism, at least the feminism I identify with, isn’t a womyn-born-womyn space, and doesn’t benefit only women. CrimethInc says it better than I could but, in short, for every girl who was told she couldn’t be a firefighter there is a boy who was told he couldn’t be a ballerina. Yes, women are ultimately the victims of sexism and the benefactors of feminism more often than men, but it’s naive to think sexism doesn’t cut both ways and its elimination wouldn’t benefit people other than those who have “been oppressed because of their genitalia or reproductive organs.” (Which, by the way, trans women have too.)

And that’s that.

One who posts a deliberately provocative message to a newsgroup or message board with the intention of causing maximum disruption and argument.

Someone decided to grace a few of my posts with some comments that I would consider on the edge of trolling. That is, I think she believes what she’s saying and I’m not convinced she’s trying to cause “maximum disruption and argument,” but she’s definitely being rude and disruptive. Rather than approve her comments, or even just simply ignore them, I’m going to focus some posts on them and try to respond to what they’re saying as best I can. The goal of this is more to get my thoughts in order – and to hear from the peanut gallery – than to engage her in a discussion which her tone has indicate she isn’t willing to have.

First up, Anonymous posted a comment to Are You Undergoing a Transgender Experience:

I’m sorry, but it’s not rude to ask those kinds of questions– grow some thicker skin.  You decided to do this, become a woman, and so– figure it the fuck out and stop crying about it.

And if you don’t pass, then figure that out too.  You’re the one who wants this .

I actually can’t disagree with the core ‘advice’ of this comment: I do need to work on not taking things personally, and knowing how (and when) to pick my battles.

That said, Anonymous is mistaken in saying that the question I was asked was not rude. As I mentioned in the post she’s responding to, clumsily asking someone a personal question is rude. Equivilantly rude questions to people you just met include “Are you a gay?” and “So you’re having chemo, huh?”

Which isn’t to say the woman asking the question was ill-intentioned, as I also said in my original post.

As for passing, I’m not sure what “figuring it out” would mean. Does she mean I need to figure out how to pass better? No argument here, and I’m certainly working on it. Does she mean I need to deal with it and get over it? Likewise, although I think Anonymous is being a little blunt, she’s not wrong.

But I’m most confused by her saying “figure it the fuck out and stop crying about it” and “You’re the one who wants this.”

I don’t think I implied that the world needs to bow to me simply because I’m transitioning. I’m aware that I’m transitioning of my own volition, that trans men and women aren’t the most common or well-understood groups, and that it’s likely more people will express ignorance about trans issues than awareness. But I don’t think that the transition being my choice means that I shouldn’t hope for polite and respectful discourse and be frustrated when other people don’t live up to my (admittedly lofty) expectations.

Likewise, I’m pretty sure, after rereading my original post, that I wasn’t crying about it. I was certainly not happy about the question I’d been asked, and about not passing, but rather than sitting down and crying “Woe is me!” I tried to tease out what was bothering me and find a constructive way to proceed.  On my blog. Which is often about my transitiong. And is, in fact, my attempts at figuring it the fuck out.