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By Rebecca, December 27, 2009 3:10 pm

My mom and I had our yearly family Hanukkah party on Christmas Eve, with close family friends. (We’re off by a bit – so what?) We have the party every year, although usually not on Christmas, and are only allowed to bring gifts that didn’t cost any money. This began years ago, when all the parents were pissed that all the children were obsessed with expensive presents – the families agreed we’d still give ‘real’ gifts at other parties, but this party wouldn’t be about money. This quickly turned into a contest to see who could give the most ridiculous gifts, and every year gets sillier and sillier.

Last night, one of the gifts I got was a little ball-and-net kit, with a small basketball and a suction-cup backboard and net. The gifts are usually (loosely) thematic based on something about the person and what the giver thinks of them, and this gift seemed kind of unrelated to anything about me. I noted this, saying, “Oh. Well, this seems more like something for my older brother, but thanks!”

The gift-giver – the husband of a high school friend of my mom – said, “I didn’t want you to forget your roots.”

“My roots?”

“White boys can’t jump…?”

(Awkward pause.)

Aaaaand moving on to the next gift.

Continue reading 'Totes awks'»

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By Rebecca, October 17, 2009 2:05 am

I’ve been feeling queer this week. Unfortunately I don’t mean the good queer, of self-identification, pride, and a sense of community. I don’t mean queer. I’ve felt that way at times, and it’s definitely a feeling I want to foster and help grow. But right now, I’m feeling queer as in strange, odd, other. Like I don’t fit.

I think it’s something that’s been building all week. As I’m working on my show, I’ve been thinking a lot about my identity as trans, and the transition, and it’s reminded me how straight and heteronormative most of my friends are. Obviously that’s not a bad thing, but it’s made me feel a little alone being trans, let alone gay. We were watching How I Met Your Mother (a show that I’ve had issues with before) and they did yet another “man in drag as stand-in for ugly woman in a fantasy” sequence. The sequence wasn’t specifically about trans women, and there was no mention of “she’s a man” (as there has been more explicitly in the past), but it still made me upset. I’m not sure if I’m ready to give up on How I Met Your Mother, but I felt closer to calling it quits than I have before. (I know, I know, not watching a TV show isn’t exactly a huge deal, but it’s a show my roommate s and I watch together, and I’m the only one who has issues with it, so it’s feeding into my feeling queer.)

Then, on Wednesday, I went to a trans youth group in Chicago. I’ve been going off and on for over a year, and it’s – on the whole – been a positive experience. But I feel closer to the facilitators than I do to the other youth (the facilitators aren’t tons older than me). And I feel really bad saying this, but I sometimes think I’m the only youth coming to this group who has their shit together. That is, I know I’m super privileged – don’t have debt, have a full-time job, accepting friends and family and coworkers – and I’m definitely not faulting any of the other youth for having a harder situation than I do. But it also makes me feel like I don’t have much in common with them.

As I said, I’m also processing a lot as I try and get my show together. I’ve thought a lot about the idea of transitioning as being a teenager (self-discovery, figuring out identity and presentation, etc) and I don’t want to be a teenager anymore. I don’t have the time to be a teenager, and I feel stupid trying on new identities and modes of self-presentation to see what fits.

I also feel like all my posts this week have been whiny and obnoxious…

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By Rebecca, July 2, 2009 12:54 pm

Queen Emily of Questioning Transphobia and elsewhere has a great guest post up at Feministe called Why I Hate Filling Out Forms. From the post:

I hate it, every single time. Name, sorted. Then… clunk. Sex – M or F. Sod.

It seems like an easy question, right? For most people it is. For me, it should be an easy question. I live and identify unequivocally as female. I’m not a genderqueer person for whom the very either/or question is wrong. So why the rising sense of panic?

The problem is this, my birth certificate says I am male, my gender presentation is female. They do not match. Until I can afford expensive genital surgery, I cannot change the marker on my birth certificate. No matter what I put, in a cissexist world, I am situated as a liar.

(…snip…)

Now imagine what you do in a Customs line when you enter a country. Imagine you’ve heard from acquaintances who’ve been turned away by the US, or that worst-case-scenario lurking at the back of your head about Homeland Security issuing a memo about “cross-dressed terrorists.” What do you put then? What do you wear then? How do you present?

Imagine how vulnerable you feel. Driving (what if a cop pulls me over). At the bank (what if they think I’m trying to scam my own money). At the doctors. At school. At work. At anywhere they want a piece of ID, anywhere they want you to tick a box that divides humanity into two. Anywhere they want you to fill out a form. Confess, little tranny girl, confess. Tell them what in their minds what you “really” are. Or else. And they’ll get you anyway.

I’ve been thinking about this sort of thing all week, because I’m flying to DC tonight, and Queen Emily’s post sort of sums up what I’ve been worrying about. And, unfortunately, I would say it’s not entirely unreasonable that I’m stressed.

Continue reading 'Stressed about Flying'»

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By Rebecca, December 22, 2008 12:16 am

…but when interacting with other trans people, particularly trans women, I try to read them. It really makes me feel disgusted with myself, and I’m trying to stop.

-R

(I’ve noticed this for a while, but particularly as I was watching the very-enjoyable Trannystar Galactica videos on YouTube.)