I just back from a party being thrown jointly by a friend of mine (from high school, of course) along with some of his friends. Point A from above – that I’ll inevitably run into people at parties who either didn’t know I’m trans at all or (more commonly) had heard through the grapevine but hadn’t actually had any contact with me since highschool – is something I just need to get used to. I’ve been dealing with it since graduating from highschool, but it’s only become something I’ve really thought about this past year, living fulltime as Rebecca.

Combined with Point B, though – realizing there was no one at the party who I’d be interested in flirting with who would also want to flirt back – made me feel a little ‘othered.’ Unintentionally, to be sure, and I did have a really good time for most of the night, s0 this isn’t to say I was miserable all night.*

But, as the night wore on, sitting in the Arts and Crafts room** watching one of my friends moving from flirting to cuddling to making out, I definitely had a realization that I could safely assume no one at the party would be interested in me.

Likewise, when I go out to bars or clubs with my friends, the attention I’m getting (if I’m getting any) is from men. The assumption is going to be that I’m straight. Now, I haven’t talked a ton about my sexuality on this blog, but suffice it  to say that I’m more attracted to women than to men, so assuming I’m straight isn’t going to win anyone any points for accuracy.

I’m not sure what to do about this. I definitely don’t want to lose the friends I have, or to make them feel uncomfortable taking me to straight bars/clubs/etc. I also think it’d be rather awkward to go to a queer bar with my big group of straight friends (although maybe I’m wrong!) and don’t want to subject them to that.

Ultimately, I do think I want to expand my social circle to include more queer friends. I think that’s doable without pushing away the friends I have, and without removing myself from the longstanding circles I do like. But I also am realizing that there’s this whole part of my life I’m attempting to establish – working on queer theatre, figuring out how I do identify my sexuality, the transition itself (can’t forget that…) – that maybe my straight friends, fantastic allies though they are, can’t function in as peers.

*They had a bouncy castle. How could I not have a good time? And yes, I took pictures, and yes, I’ll post them at some point. And yes, having a bouncy castle under a mulberry tree results in grossly black mulberried feet. I’m going to shower after I finish posting this…

**Tes, the Arts and Crafts room…there was collaging and Eye-of-God-making going on; I have odd and amazing friends, don’t question it.