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By Rebecca, November 22, 2009 5:32 pm

Recently, I realized that I’m OK with nicknames in a way that I never was with my old name. That is, I’m OK with Becca, Becks, Rebsie (don’t ask), whatever. (Although I’m not OK with Becky.) But I was never really comfortable with variations or riffs on my old name.

It reminds me of my comfort with (and even pleasure from) shopping for clothing since transitioning. It makes sense – since I’m happier with my body and my appearance, of course I’d be more willing to try on clothing – but was nevertheless unexpected.

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By Rebecca, April 6, 2009 10:00 pm

I went out with a friend today to get some more shopping done (and picked up some good basics, more tank tops and simple tops) and have been thinking about how the transition has affected seemingly simple things like buying clothing.

Before I transitioned, I really disliked shopping. I never really thought about why – boys aren’t ’supposed’ to like shopping, so it was never really something I needed to justify. Likewise, it’s not unusual for boys to dislike wearing suits and ties, so my dislike of that also wasn’t particularly out of the ordinary.

In retrospect, it seems really obvious that liking my body more and liking the clothing I’m wearing more would make me enjoy shopping more. I had just never thought about it – the idea of transitioning, of having boobs and a butt, of really presenting myself to the world as a woman – and so never seriously thought about the idea of shopping for clothing outside of fantasy.

In some ways, it can’t live up to any of the absurd expectations I might have had: i haven’t had any magical transformation in the night, so I’m still working on my own body issues. Likewise, I haven’t magically gained the knowledge of twenty-plus years of being raised as a girl and living as a woman, so I’m still feeling rather awkward about shopping, and having to work on gaining confidence in picking things out.

But, in much more positive ways, there’s something amazing about having a fantasy even come close to actually happening.

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By Rebecca, February 26, 2009 9:12 pm

I went in yesterday for another round of laser hair removal. This is the 3rd round of the 6 I paid (well, went into debt for) for back in August. I did my chest, stomach, and arms, so I still have to go back for my legs next Wednesday. I guess it’s more like part 5 of 12… I’m also going to do a facial touch up next Wednesday, because some pesky hairs can’t take a hint.

I’m all prickly and red now, though, which is obnoxious. It usually fades away in a day or two. I should rub hydrocortisone on the parts that are really itchy.

In more exciting news, I’ve almost saved enough to pay off the hair removal. When I signed on the dotted line in August, I was committing to pay $4,390 by the end of August, 2009, or start facing interest charges. I’ve been saving money in an interest-bearing ING account, and plan to pay them off in mid-August to get as much interest money as possible. Although interest rates have been dropping, a little ‘free’ money is better than none! (If you want an ING referral, let me know! If you join with something like $200 in a savings account, I get $10 and you get $25!)

So yeah. I have something like $4200 in the bank right now, and I figured if I get around $4300, most of the remaining will be made as interest. With my next paycheck, next week, I should have that off my back!

Which is good, because this weekend I am going shopping! I sent out an email to some girl friends asking for help to find me a wardrobe. I have, like, four pairs of pants and five tops that I’m just cycling through, and it’s getting ridiculous… So, as much as it pains whatever testosterone that’s left in my system to do it, I’m going on a shopping spree! Round 1 is tomorrow, with NP (and possibly a friend from work), and I might be doing more on Saturday and/or Sunday.

Ridiculous.

-R

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By Rebecca, December 31, 2008 1:21 am

(Yet again, if you don’t care about how my boobs are doing you probably don’t need to read this post…)

So I sucked it up today and went to Victoria’s Secret where I learned a few things. Again, we’ll do bad news first.

The bad news is that the bras I got are, ultimately, uncomfortable and a bit too small, so will need to be returned. Specifically, the end of the underwire, between the cups, digs into my sternum rather painfully, and they’re all already stretched on the last set of hooks.

The good news is that I was sized at Victoria’s Secret and apparently my own guess of 38A wasn’t horrible, but I forgot that that also means 36B and 34C, which is how they ultimately sized me. So, armed with that knowledge, I am now more confident in my ability to find a bra (or, dare I say, bras) that fit me, get me out of the sports bras I’ve been wearing for a year, and are actually comfy.

The bonus good news is that, even with feeling a little bummed that the stuff I spent money on needs to be returned (and the friends I’ve talked to tonight ultimately said “Oh, I’m not a huge van of Victoria’s Secret’s bras…”), I was able to do it without having a panic attack and I went to Old Navy and got some tops and khakis I like and I got my hair cut today and like that, too.

As I said to some friends, I think spending all that money on clothing and hair and enjoying it means I’m suffering from estrogen poisoning, but I aint’ complaining…

-R

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By Rebecca, December 24, 2008 4:27 pm

Which do you want first? We’ll do bad news first. (You should probably stop reading at this point if you don’t really care about my boobs.)

The bad news is my torso is apparently too large and my boobs too small to fit the straps and cups of the largest/smallest bra Target sells (36A).

The good news is that some creative scissoring meant the padded cups from the ill-fitting bras have allowed me to expand my bust considerably, wink-wink, nudge-nudge, say-no-more.

The bonus good news is I just went out boot shopping, was ma’amed, and no one blinked as I was trying on women’s shoes. The cashier did pause for a second when seeing the name on my credit card, but she didn’t give me any trouble (and it could have been my imagination to begin with).

EDIT: The bonus bad news is that putting padding in a bra without padding inserts causes the wearer to develop mondo uni-boob after a few hours. (Who knew?)

The double-bonus good is it still made me feel better about myself for a little while.

-R

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By Rebecca, June 17, 2008 4:11 am

Obviously, it’s not a contest. But damn if it doesn’t seem that way when she’s right and I’m wrong…

So the first one is about clothing, the most mundane (and yet oh-so-important) of things. L was saying I needed to just go to Target, where no one would care what I was looking at or trying on, and get something. I was whining and backpedaling and letting fear of embarasment keep me from doing it. See, among other things, I really don’t like to feel like I don’t know what I’m doing. And buying women’s clothing? I don’t know what I’m doing.

But I finally got up my courage and went to Target. (There’s a sentence I never thought I’d write…) After putting off the women’s clothing section by looking at all the cool Lego Star Wars toys and the GPS systems and the make-your-own-ice-cream things, I finally meandered slowly past the clothing section. I felt like a bad spy in a satire, where if no one notices the spy before they try to ’sneak,’ everyone damn sure will after.

Then I lost my nerve and went next door to Office Max, hating myself all the way. Continue reading 'Therapist: 2 – Me: 0'»