Today my mom gave me a necklace with “Rebecca” in Hebrew letters. (Not Rivka, the Hebrew version of Rebecca, but ‘Rebecca’ spelled phonetically in Hebrew.) I think she was a little hurt that I wasn’t as excited about it as she was, so I said, “It’s beautiful, I just have a complicated relationship with Judaism.”
Oh.
I wish I could have been more excited for her, because I know how hard she’s trying to support me (and how much she enjoys buying me girlie things with “Rebecca” on them like she did with my old name when I was a child). But I don’t always know what to do with a “Rebecca” puzzle. Or keychain. Or Hebrew necklace.
Meanwhile, I talked to my dad tonight, for about 4 minutes. I’ve been meaning to call him all week, and was trying to summon the energy to do so. I’m actually really sorry he called, and I probably shouldn’t have answered the phone, because I had neither the energy nor inclination to have a good conversation. I could (should) have told him more about the new girl we’re hiring at work, my raise, my little trip this weekend to Wisconsin, and asked more about how he’s doing. But I always end up feeling like my words go in one ear and out the other, anyway, so it’s hard to find the energy.
As I think I’ve mentioned before, I’ve kind of had a tense relationship with my mom this summer. I think it’s a combination of the hormones and living together for the first time in a year, but knowing its source isn’t super-helpful when neither can be addressed for another couple weeks. Booo.
My mom has been meeting with a group of parents of trans children (I believe all mothers, but I could be wrong) which seems to have been really helpful for her processing my transitioning. However, one mom – the organizer and sort of glue of the group – is a very ‘out’ mom, in that she’s not shy about talking about her ‘trans son’ regardless of whether or not its strictly relevant. (In all fairness, this is the impression I’ve gotten from my mom, as I haven’t actually met this woman.)
(For background, I believe it’s the same woman who, when she and her husband and my parents went out to dinner, prompted my dad to be somewhat blunt. He said that she was talking about her ‘trans son this’ and ‘trans son that’ and he (my dad) said that it’s great she’s so embracing of her son, but would she talk about her ‘adopted son this’ and ‘adopted son that’ if it wasn’t actually related? Now, I wasn’t there and know I have a lot of issues with my dad right now, but I tend to side with him on this one: I certainly hope to live my life as an out and proud trans woman, but also don’t want my status as trans to be viewed as my key identifying feature or trait.)
My mom recently gave me a copy of a letter this woman sent out to her friends and family, talking about her son’s transition. It is basically a coming out letter, but written from the mom’s perspective and for those in the mom’s life. My mom has said she’s interested in doing something similar, and I’ve pointedly avoided talking about it with her because it makes me really uncomfortable.
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