He’s also dropping me from 6mg/day to 4 of estradiol. His thought is that my estrogen (~4,500, literally an order of magnitude higher than it should be) coupled with my testosterone (a reasonably low 12) means that A) I can afford to drop estrogen more without impacting my testosterone levels, body hair, mood, etc, and B) dropping estrogen might actually help with my anxiety and depression.

This isn’t new info, but he also gave me a temporary perscrption of klonopin, a much stronger anti-anxiety medication. The idea is that I’ll use that to keep me sane for the next week or two, until the reduced estradiol and increased lexapro kicked in.

Fingers crossed, cuz what I’m experiencing right now fucking sucks.

In fact, I’d say part of what has been so stressful and unpleasant about the last week has been being so aware of being so ‘off.’ My brain isn’t working as quickly as it should be, I’m not as able to think straight as I normally am, I’m overall feeling fuzzy and it takes a large amount of effort to really bring my consciousness to focus on a task. Since all of those are important things to me, their (temporary) loss is getting to me, above and beyond the actual symptoms, into a really awful feedback loop: stress -> realization of stress -> more stress, and so on.

I like my doctor, a lot. I didn’t have to jump through hoops to get my hormones (only in retrospect do I realize how rare that is), he has a good sense of humor, and he remembers the important goings-on in my life, even with months separating visits. I will say he is consistently running late, something that drives me up a wall. I operate on ‘stage manager time’: early is on time, on time is late, and late is unacceptable. (This is why I show up fifteen minutes early to most places in my life…) The flip-side of his timeliness, though, is that he spends a lot of time with his patients; I don’t like sitting around in his waiting room, but I very much feel taken care of while seeing him.

At my appointment on Friday, I explained how I’d been feeling, i.e. not too hot. We talked about what’s been going on in my life, and what things have been positive or negative. He was very observant in that most actors and artists have some sort of post-show blues, but I described how this felt really different than other post-show blues I’ve experienced; that this was about feeling an utter lack of excitement about anything, not simply being sad a show was done.

He said that made sense, and gave me a 2-week trial of Lexapro. Then he asked if I would be comfortable with having my Chakras opened.

I wasn’t totally sure how to respond to that. My doctor is very into Eastern philosophy and medicine, although I’ve never felt him push that in our visits. Indeed, while he had discussed his experiences in the Far East and the decorations in his office clearly showed his interest in Eastern philosophy, he had never suggested I try anything along those lines. He explained what the Chakras were, for which I’ll use Wikipedia:

The Chakras are said to be “force centres” or whorls of energy permeating, from a point on the physical body, the layers of the subtle bodies in an ever-increasing fan-shaped formation (the fans make the shape of a love heart). Rotating vortices of subtle matter, they are considered the focal points for the reception and transmission of energies.

He said that, when someone is stressed or depressed, their Chakras can become closed off and prevent the free flow of energy in their system. That contributes and furthers the stress or depression in an unfortunate cycle. He wanted to try taking me through some guided meditation to try and open my Chakras and help me become less stressed.

To be totally honest, I was (and am) somewhat skeptical of the stated goal: opening my Chakras. However, I am a fan of guided meditation and even, when trying to get over panic attacks in middle school, went through some successful hypnotism sessions with my then-therapist. So I was on board for the general idea of a relaxation exercise, and said so. But not totally convinced of anything beyond that.

He took me into a different room, with a raised padded platform; not quite massage table but less clinical or uncomfortable than an examination table. I laid on my back while he explained where the Chakra points were that he would be focusing on: the top of my head, my forehead, my neck, my sternum, right bellow my bellybutton, and my crotch. He was going to place his hands on those locations and chant me through a guided visualization, cycling through repeatedly. During all that, I was supposed to visualize energy bouncing form my head to my feet, back and forth.

The exercise was, indeed, relaxing. I recalled my breathing instructions from hypnotism and began focusing on slow, measured, inhaling and exhaling. My doctor began a chant that, as much as I can recall, was something along the lines of

We call on you the universe force, guide us and protect us, open us to the new, ground us, allow us to be a channel for and a source of power.

I know that’s actually nothing like the exact wording, but that’s how I remember the emotional intent. He went through a bunch of repetitions at each Chakra, and then moved to the next. (For the last, near my crotch, he had me put my feet by my hips to bring my knees up, and then placed his hand on the bottom of my thighs. A little odd, but nothing that made me super uncomfortable.

After his repetitions were done, he took out a pendulum and held it over me. This (somehow) showed him that my Chakras were open, which was a good thing.

The whole experience was definitely a new one for me. I did enjoy it – I’m able to sink into guided meditation pretty successfully, presumably from my experiences being hypnotized and being used to lots of guided visualizations in acting and theatre classes – but I don’t know that I felt “better” after. More physically relaxed, perhaps, but not less sad or stressed. Admittedly, being more physically relaxed isn’t something to overlook. But my doctor was suggesting I come back once a week, and I’m not sure. He didn’t say I needed to, or that I shouldn’t also try antidepressants; either of those statements would have made me a lot more uncomfortable. Rather, he said it was something that helped him feel more relaxed and centered, and has had similar luck with other patients of his. He said I should think about it, and give him a call if I decided I wanted to try it.

Now I need to just make that decision…

I also took the first Lexapro pill, 10mg, this morning. There isn’t supposed to be an effect for at least 2 weeks, which seems sort of silly – I’m supposed to schedule an appointment with my doctor in 2 weeks to discuss how I’m doing, but if I won’t be noticing an effect by then, why give me only 2 weeks of pills? Oh well… As I said, I like my doctor and am willing to trust him on this.

To cis feminists, when you are building new resources, what do you gain by excluding trans women? Is that gain worth the harm you cause trans women? Is that not status quo with the rest of the patriarchal world – to see trans women as disposable, valueless and not worthy of protecting – and shouldn’t feminism be doing better?

Likewise, in light of the ridiculous cis debate, it’s refreshing to see a really constructive discussion surrounding a trans-related issue.