(Confused yet? My friends have never been known for their lack of drama.

I was talking about this with my roommate last night. She was saying, basically, that Adam had been bogus and – even though it was a little shady that Bob told Claire, since he’s also interested in her – Claire was right to get really upset with Adam.

I, on the other hand, was saying that, yes, what Adam said is bogus. But the context is also really important, and I’d want to hear more before passing judgment; initially, I thought that Bob’s conflict-of-interest when it comes to Claire and Adam made his gossiping somewhat more obnoxious.

But then I remembered this post from July. And I realized that I’d been thinking about the situation from the perspective of being more likely to say, “I’d sure like to fuck her” than to have it said about me.

When I I made that realization and started to think about how I would feel as Claire, I somewhat flipped sides and agreed that what Adam said was not OK. (Even if Bob also handled the situation poorly.) Because I’m still used to being on the boys’ team, so to speak; assuming that it’s “Us” (the guys, trying to get with women) versus “Them” (the women, trying to field off endless advances).  I could easily imagine saying that about someone else – there are lots of women I find attractive – but had a hard time imagining someone saying it about me.

This isn’t to say that I agree completely with Claire’s chewing-out of Adam. I do think the context is important, and it’s not like Adam’s feelings were particularly a secret. But it’s yet another situation where I’m realizing exactly what “male privilege” can mean: It’s the privilege of being the gazer, not the gazee. Of analyzing a situation base on how the one the more powerful position felt about it, not the one being targeted.

Interesting food for thought, and something I want to keep in mind in the future, before I open my mouth and say something hurtful.