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By Rebecca, November 15, 2009 2:10 pm

One of my roommates and I went bowling Saturday night (I did not great,  but not horrible – bowled a 94 and an 87) and we had sort of a funny conversation.

We were talking about bowling names, because we’ve both used the same ones for years. But I haven’t gone bowling since changing my name, and my old bowling name was based on my (male) name.

My roommate said, “Well, you can use the same bowling name. But I guess it was based on your old name. And now that your name isn’t…that that isn’t your name, we could try to come up with something new, based on Rebecca.”

I said, laughingly, “It’s not Voldemort – you can say my old name!”

I’ve been thinking about that idea since then, though, because there is an aspect of “He who shall not be named”-ness about it. I’ve entirely avoided using my old name on this blog. I only rarely use it when talking about my past, even with friends or coworkers. And it definitely bugs the hell out of me when I get mail addressed to…my old name.

I just hope that getting rid of my old name won’t require five hundred in-need-of-editing pages containing meandering, lost-in-the-forest whining and in-fighting…

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By Rebecca, October 1, 2009 9:24 pm

I was a boy, growing up.

At least, people saw me that way: I had a boy’s name, boy’s clothing, wore swimming trunks to the pool or the beach, had a Bar Mitzvah (however grudgingly), changed in the boys’ locker room before gym, wore a suit and tie to important family occasions, participated in Indian Guides (however briefly), had my hair in a buzz cut every summer for years,  played on the boys’ teams after school, lived in the boys’ section of the dorm at college, was never taught how to put on makeup…

Looking through old photo albums, or at the pictures on the walls at my parents’ houses, it’s clear – boy, boy, boy.

Continue reading 'I was a boy, I was a girl'»

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By Rebecca, August 20, 2009 11:48 pm

Twice in the last twenty-four hours I had an experience that really reminded me how awesome my friends are.

First, last night, I was talking with both of my roommates. We had one of those long, meandering conversations, and it came up that a girl we all knew in highschool was engaged. This was particularly noteworthy because she’d dated another girl in highschool for about a year, and explicitly identified herself as a lesbian at the time.

One of my roommates said something along the lines of, “So she was gay then, but is straight now.” I was about to speak up and point out that sexual identity doesn’t need to be so simple, that A) bi people exist, and B) there are other possibilities as well (that she only publicly identified as a lesbian but never really felt it, that she only now publicly identifies as straight but doesn’t really feel it, that she doesn’t identify with any mainstream sexuality, and so on).

But, before I could, my other roommate said almost exactly that.

As I’ve mentioned before, I’m in a liberal group of friends to begin with. But there’s a big difference between being liberal-and-well-meaning-but-still-ignorant and absorbing all of the identity politics I sometimes feel like I spew. So it felt really good to hear one of my roommates speak up against making assumptions about identity and, on top of that, point out that sexuality doesn’t need to be a binary.

Continue reading 'I (Heart) My Friends'»

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By Rebecca, August 16, 2009 2:21 am

I’m heading to bed after a costume party* and there’s a much-too-fucking-loud-to-be-going-on-outside-my-room dance party happening. I’d be pro-dancing if A) it wasn’t 2AM, since I have to get up at 9:30, and B) if I didn’t feel uncomfortable dancing with strangers in my apartment.

It’s really unfortunate, because I think dancing could be good for me, but I still assume (probably unfairly) that my friends’ friends and friends’ friends’ friends look at me as “that trans chick,” and the idea of dancing with people I don’t know particularly well is creeping me out. Or not even dancing with them, but dancing in their immediate vicinity. Because dancing in my living room next to effective strangers feels way different than dancing in a club, surrounded by friends, next to total strangers.

*The theme was 7 Deadly Sins. I almost didn’t go, and just stayed in my room and sulked, but discussing said sulking with a friend online lead to me joking about going as Cranky, which let me to actually going as Wrath’s little sister, Cranky. Pictures are forthcoming.

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By Rebecca, July 18, 2009 2:08 am

I’ve mentioned before that I live in the same city in which I grew up. (Well, the larger city imediately south of the city in which I grew up.) I’m living with friends from highschool, working with organizations where I was involved pre-transition, and so on. So it shouldn’t be a surprise to me at this point that A) I’m going to run into people at parties who I haven’t seen since highschool and B) most of my friends (and their friends) are not queer.

Continue reading 'Social Circles'»

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By Rebecca, March 11, 2009 11:02 pm

Tonight I went out with some coworkers after the high school show opened. (I think could actually qualify them as ‘friends,’ which is nice. The show opening also went really well, barring one head injury of a cast member, which is also nice. I think the injured cast member will be fine…fingers crossed.)

At the bar, we were asked for our IDs, which was all well and good, but when I handed mine to our waitress she sort of did a double take at it, paused, and looked up. She asked, “J?” As in, “You don’t look like a J…”

A lot of incomplete thoughts flashed across my mind in the brief moment before I said, “Mmhm.” After which she sort of shrugged, and everything was fine, but I’m trying to figure out how I feel about it, going to bed a few hours later.

Continue reading 'The (legal) name game'»

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By Rebecca, March 2, 2009 11:46 pm

I came home tonight and my rooommates were having a chat about relationships (I’m not entirely sure what they were talking about, to be honest) and it turned into one of those lovely meandering conversations about everything and nothing. But, of course, it eventually got me thinking about my relationship, and where I am.

I saw my therapist earlier tonight, and actually came out feeling pretty good. “You seem calmer this week,” she said, and it’s true, overall.

But I still really miss her. I do believe what I’m doing is the right thing for me in the long run, but I love her, and I really miss her. And thinking about that, of course, made me sad in the missing.

And AR and I started talking, in the door between our rooms, about how I think about myself. She said she was proud of me, and I said something along the lines of, “Don’t be.” She pressed me, and I said I don’t feel like I’m proud-worthy; that being proud of is something for “other people” and I don’t think very highly of myself right now (if I ever have).

She said that’s obviously something I need to work on. That maybe I should make an effort to write down compliments people give me and keep a book, or post them on my wall, or solicit thoughts on myself from friends so I know that they think highly of me.

The idea of such an overwhelming amount of compliments literally had me on the floor, hiding with my hands over my head.

Obviously, that’s not a great way to think of myself:  so poorly that the mere idea of being complimented can drive me to tears.

And I’m not sure what to do about it.

-R

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By Rebecca, February 19, 2009 8:52 pm

One of my roommates came up to me the other day and said, “Hey, I was at target and the woman running the register was trans!”

I, trying to figure out how to respond to that, said, “Well, how did you know?”

“I mean, you could tell from her facial structure.”

I paused, trying to pinpoint exactly why this conversation was making me uncomfortable. “OK, but can’t women have different facial structures?”

She tried to brush it off, saying, “Yeah, but you can tell…”

I was feeling really uncomfortable at this point, and really didn’t want to keep going down this road. I ended things by making sure she understood at least part of what was going on. “You know you should never say you think someone’s trans, right? Because if they are, they’ll be upset that you realized it, and if they’re not, they’ll be upset you think they are.”

Continue reading 'Being read'»

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By Rebecca, January 31, 2009 12:55 am

Edit, 4/8/09 – For whatever reason, this post has attracted tons of spam posts – maybe 20-30 a day – so I am disabling comments on this post (and only this post). If you really need to reach me about this specific post, email me at blog [at] fridaythang [dot] com. Otherwise, comment on a different post.

I knocked on my roommate’s door. “Can I come in?”

“What’s up?”

“Just wanted outfit input.”

“One sec. Lemme grab my robe.”

MG was in town for her birthday, and we were all meeting her at a nearby restaurant. She’d specified in the Facebook invite to be ‘dressy,’ especially for the girls.

I don’t exactly have many ‘dressy’ options. Most of the unreasonable amount of money I’ve spent on clothing in the last few months has gone to either comfy, every-day stuff, or things appropriate to wear to work. Neither category would satisfy MG’s request for ‘dressy.’

“So do you think I’ll get in trouble if I wear this?” I had on black pants and a black sweatshirt under lose gray top for which I don’t have the vocabulary.

My roommate, fresh out of the shower and in a red robe, said”I like it,” and my heart sank a little.

Continue reading 'Fashion(show)able'»

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By Rebecca, December 14, 2008 7:30 pm

Here’s a mosaic I just built with Mazaika from about 4,000 pictures of friends and I. (The image below has about 1,6000 images with about 1,000 unique photos.) I used  Zoomify to create the zoom-able image, and although I’m not thrilled with the results of the flash dohicky, it’s hard to argue with free.

-R
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