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By Rebecca, March 17, 2010 11:14 pm

• Do you feel like your personality has changed at all?

Yes and no. The important things have not changed. I still find the same things funny, the same things sad, my politics haven’t changed, my taste in music hasn’t changed, and so on. At the same time, I think being more emotional – presumably a combination of hormones and being more comfortable with myself in general – has let me be a little more open and  a little less closed off.

Specifically, I used to think of myself as someone who could do a great poker face. That is, if I didn’t want my emotions to show, they didn’t. But on Monday of this week, one of my coworkers asked if anything was wrong (I was, indeed, stressed). I asked it if was that obvious, and she replied, “Yeah, you kind of wear your heart on your sleeve.”

I ultimately think this change is a good thing, but it’s taking some getting used to. It’s difficult to think of yourself, and the image you project to the world, as one thing and realize it’s really something else.

• How do you feel about transgender persons getting married?  Do you want to get married?

I’m not totally sure what the first part of this question is asking. I think any two consenting adults of sound minds should be able to get married. Or, hell, more than two: I don’t think polyamory is for me, but I don’t see why I should tell others they can’t practice it. So I don’t think someone being trans, (or pre-, mid-, or post-transition) should have anything to do with it.

As to whether I want to get married… Yes, I think I do, eventually. Hopefully the right gal will sweep me off my feet.

• Continue reading 'Questions on being trans, from highschoolers (pt 3)'»

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By Rebecca, June 29, 2009 10:00 am

I’ve updated the previous post, Backlog of Links, with a more accurate description with how Kate Bornstein & S Bear Bergman are handling the response to their use of ‘tranny’ in their call for submissions to a new, updated Gender Outlaw. Ultimately, my summary (“the CFS used ‘tranny’ and Bear wasn’t willing to engage in a discussion about whether that was OK”) was really unfair to both he and Kate. As I said in the update to the previous post, life is often more complicated than it first seems and my assumptions about his behavior were totally off-base.

I wanted to take an extra post, though, to more fully go over my thoughts on how the Internet can (negatively) affect communication. In this case, I mean ways my communication was handled poorly, not anyone else’s.

Continue reading 'Take a deep breath and count to ten'»

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By Rebecca, May 3, 2009 3:16 am

I should go to bed. It’s 3AM. I’ve been up since 10AM and have had a very long day. I feel lousy, I feel tired, and I want to be asleep.

And yet I’m sitting at my computer becuase I know the dully throbbing sadness I’m feeling now will pale in comparison to the aching grief I’ll feel when I lay down, as all the thoughts I’m currently pushing aside come rushing in.

-R

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By Rebecca, March 28, 2009 12:20 am

I know a place where no one’s lost,
I know a place where no one cries,
Crying at all is not allowed,
Not in my castle on a cloud.

-Lyrics from ‘Castle on a Cloud’ from Les Miserables

Les Mis is some of the earliest music I learned on the piano that I still play regularly. In fact, come to think of it, I’ve probably been playing Les Mis (and using the same beat-up book of sheet music) for over ten years. And, although ‘Castle on a Cloud’ isn’t my favorite song from the musical, a place usually reserved for ‘I Dreamed a Dream’ or ‘On My Onw,’ I do think it’s an evocative metaphor.

That said, the verse I quoted above never sat right with me. I completely understand wanting to exist in a place where no one is lost, and where there is no need to cry. That makes perfect sense. But the idea of not being allowed to cry always made me kind of sad; sometimes the grief of living just needs to come out in tears.

I’ve been crying a lot more lately than I’m used to, and it’s made me think about how I handle my emotions.

Continue reading 'Castle on a Cloud'»

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By Rebecca, March 2, 2009 11:46 pm

I came home tonight and my rooommates were having a chat about relationships (I’m not entirely sure what they were talking about, to be honest) and it turned into one of those lovely meandering conversations about everything and nothing. But, of course, it eventually got me thinking about my relationship, and where I am.

I saw my therapist earlier tonight, and actually came out feeling pretty good. “You seem calmer this week,” she said, and it’s true, overall.

But I still really miss her. I do believe what I’m doing is the right thing for me in the long run, but I love her, and I really miss her. And thinking about that, of course, made me sad in the missing.

And AR and I started talking, in the door between our rooms, about how I think about myself. She said she was proud of me, and I said something along the lines of, “Don’t be.” She pressed me, and I said I don’t feel like I’m proud-worthy; that being proud of is something for “other people” and I don’t think very highly of myself right now (if I ever have).

She said that’s obviously something I need to work on. That maybe I should make an effort to write down compliments people give me and keep a book, or post them on my wall, or solicit thoughts on myself from friends so I know that they think highly of me.

The idea of such an overwhelming amount of compliments literally had me on the floor, hiding with my hands over my head.

Obviously, that’s not a great way to think of myself:  so poorly that the mere idea of being complimented can drive me to tears.

And I’m not sure what to do about it.

-R

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By Rebecca, January 27, 2009 11:49 am

Sorry for the title, but I couldn’t come up with a good rhyme… Although RhymeZone.com suggests ‘lesser,’ ‘professor,’ ’successor,’ and ‘air compressor’ as possible alternatives… (Also, sorry for being remiss in posting. I think the big reason for that is all the stuff listed below.)

Anyway, I’ve been stressing: having trouble getting to sleep, feeling nervous and panic-y, all the stuff I was talking about in early December.

I realized one of the things that helped me then was listing all the stressors, so I figured I’d try that again now:

• Relationship/transitioning issues with G
• Feeling like I don’t have enough time for all the things in my life and for myself. ‘All the things in my life’ includes:
  • Monday: Therapy
  • Tuesday: Workshop rehearsal for the piece I’m directing (and now, conflicting, a weekly theatre thing with friends)
  • Wednesday: Trans youth group
  • Thursday: Workshop class I’m teaching (starts next week)
  • Friday: Blissfully nothing, and the stress of using downtime ‘well’
  • Saturday: A class I’m taking; more Workshop rehearsal
  • Sunday: Rehearsal for a friend’s recital piece that I don’t really want to do but am doing as a favor to her
  • (And, of course, a full-time job)
• Money, specifically paying off hair removal (3/4 of the way there, but I want it off my back)
• Buying a new wardrobe (partially linked to ‘money’; I have, like, six or seven tops that I can reasonably wear to work that I just keep cycling through)
• Feeling insecure in the transition (to be the subject of a longer post, one of these days)

Boo! Stress, stress, go away, and don’t come back another day!

-R

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By Rebecca, December 10, 2008 10:20 pm

I’ve been having trouble getting to sleep the last couple nights, unable to quiet my mind as I’m laying in bed. Specifically, I’ve been feeling a pit-of-the-stomach panic, the likes of which I haven’t experienced in at least a few months.

It’s no fun.

SS said I should take her therapist’s advice from a while ago and exercise lots while avoid sugar, booze, and caffiene, which is probably always good advice but does make particular sense in terms of having excess nervous energy.

But I just want this panic to go away!

-R

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By Rebecca, December 5, 2008 12:37 am

Thought people might enjoy seeing this…it’s, basically, the final version of the script I used for the solo performance from a couple weeks ago. Video is (hopefully) forthcoming.

GENERAL LIGHTING - CHILDHOOD GAMES

When I was young – I must have been 6 or 7 – I remember playing ‘make believe’ with a friend, running around in the park behind my house.

I remember that, at some point in the make believe, I was captured by the bad guys -

- and transformed into a girl. My friend had to rescue me! But ‘rescuing’ me didn’t mean ‘transforming me back into a boy,’ just ‘freeing me from the bad guys.’ I didn’t really want to be transformed back into a boy. And I remember it being important (for some pre-pubescent, gender-affirming reason) for me to be naked on the bed in my room, my penis tucked between my legs in a hairless V.

Continue reading 'Ares and Aphrodite script'»

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By Rebecca, November 22, 2008 12:28 pm

The first performance of the mentorship work was last night (the second and final performance is tonight) and I’m just all over the map right now.

The performance went really well – I feel like there was enough I know I can do better on tonight to have room for improvement, but I’m definitely happy with how it came out. And, likewise, excited to keep working with specific chunks of it as well as broader themes and issues it raised.

And a lot of people, including both my parents, came to see me, which was really great. Including a few people from the workshop, which really meant a lot – that’s been so core to my artistic development that having people whose opinion I really value say they liked the work was really moving.

I also was connected with the trans programing director (I’m probably getting that title wrong) from Toronto Pride who was, like, “I need your email address so we can talk about having you perform at the next Toronto Pride.”(!!!)

Which obviously meant I came home and gushed to G (we met up after her rehearsal got out) and then proceded to cry for a while…I think it came from having put so much of myself out there and having that sink in a bit, and just really not knowing how to handle praise. So it all sort of welled up in tears.

But tonight’s the last performance, and so then I can catch my breath (and, like, do laundry and go grocery shopping…) before I inevitably start working on stuff again!

-R

PS – I’ll post the script one of these days, when I get my head together…

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By Rebecca, October 23, 2008 8:02 pm

I finally talked to my dad a bit about the divorce. Or, more accurately, I asked him about it and he talked about it for a while.

I’ve realized over the last year (and posted some about it here) that I’m still pissed at my dad about the divorce, eight years later, but never actually talked to him about it or heard his side of the story. I’d pieced together a version of events from overheard conversations and my own impressions, but never actually asked him what happened.

So at dinner a week ago, I did.

Continue reading 'Talking to my dad'»