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By Rebecca, February 24, 2010 4:05 pm

I had another doctor’s appointment today, as a followup to the one I had a few weeks ago. He said I should stick with the Lexapro (now on week two) and he opened my chakras again.

We also talked for a while about regret and how to look forward.

I explained to him how I’ve been feeling like I’m wallowing in regret. That I’m consciously aware of how good I do have it, but still can’t get over this fantasy that things would be better had I transitioned earlier or not had to transition at all. (By which I meant ‘had been born female.’ Don’t worry.) I know it’s futile, and I know it’s harmful, but I can’t get out out of it. He responded that I need to find a way to look forward, not  backward; regret over what’s passed can consume you. (Tell me something I don’t know…)

On the train ride home, I was rereading some essays from Yes Means Yes and one in particular struck home. From Sex Worth Fighting For:

I remained preoccupied by fears that something “truly” bad would happen, and often imagined gang rape and murder that would finish me off for good. It would probably be committed by boys who didn’t plan to go that far but felt like trying out their power on somebody who seemed like an easy target. This scenario felt so possible to me as to be the likely next step in my life.

Continue reading 'Doctors, self defense'»

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By Rebecca, February 9, 2010 11:47 am

I just got off the phone with my dad. Both of my parents have been calling me pretty much every day, since last Wednesday when I told them how difficult things were for me right now. I’ve been getting a bit tired of having the same conversation over and over:

Mom or dad: How’re you feeling?

Me: The same.

Dad or mom: Are you feeling any better?

Me: No, not really.

(Yes, I know they mean well and they’re asking because they love me.)

I was expecting a repeat of this and, indeed, the conversation did start that way. But then my dad mentioned how a J – a friend of my dad’s and a reporter in Chicago – had been telling my dad about Christina Kahrl. Christina is a trans sports writer in Chicago, and I met her at a Broadway Youth Center event a few months ago. Apparently, J was saying he’d be happy to set up some sort of meeting for me with Christina; my dad was calling to ask me about this and see if I might want to talk with someone who has “been there.”

It seems like a little thing, particularly in contrast to my dad’s continued difficulty of calling me Rebecca, but I was really surprised and touched by the offer.

Continue reading 'Family can surprise you'»

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By Rebecca, February 6, 2010 10:47 pm

Friday afternoon, I went to my doctor to talk about my hormone levels and the possibility of antidepressants.

I like my doctor, a lot. I didn’t have to jump through hoops to get my hormones (only in retrospect do I realize how rare that is), he has a good sense of humor, and he remembers the important goings-on in my life, even with months separating visits. I will say he is consistently running late, something that drives me up a wall. I operate on ’stage manager time’: early is on time, on time is late, and late is unacceptable. (This is why I show up fifteen minutes early to most places in my life…) The flip-side of his timeliness, though, is that he spends a lot of time with his patients; I don’t like sitting around in his waiting room, but I very much feel taken care of while seeing him.

At my appointment on Friday, I explained how I’d been feeling, i.e. not too hot. We talked about what’s been going on in my life, and what things have been positive or negative. He was very observant in that most actors and artists have some sort of post-show blues, but I described how this felt really different than other post-show blues I’ve experienced; that this was about feeling an utter lack of excitement about anything, not simply being sad a show was done.

He said that made sense, and gave me a 2-week trial of Lexapro. Then he asked if I would be comfortable with having my Chakras opened.

Continue reading 'Antidepressants and Chakras'»

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By Rebecca, February 3, 2010 7:06 pm

Just got back from my therapist where, through many tears, I was able to talk about feeling depressed, miserable, not wanting to eat, and thinking about hurting myself.

Hard. Session.

She gave me a mini to-do list, which I’m working my way through. I called my mom to talk to her, and we both cried a bit. I don’t know that I’m going to go up and stay with her tonight, but maybe tomorrow or this weekend. Play with the cats a bit. I’m putting off calling my dad, but need to do that next.

I also let the lead teacher of the high school class I’m working with know I couldn’t come to tech this weekend and next week. Which really sucks. More than anything else, I feel bad about dropping that commitment.

I also called my doctor to schedule an appointment and get my hormone levels checked, as well as get a prescription for an antidepressant.

The last few items on my short-term list (trying not to think long-term at the moment) are calling my boss and saying I won’t be in the rest of the week, putting an auto-reply up on my work email, and talking to my roommates. And calling my dad.

Working on breathing. I’m told that’s a good thing. And, I think, after having dinner I may go downstairs and play with my landlords’ dogs. That’s always good therapy.

Edit: Calling my boss was almost worth it, just to hear the sudden change in his voice when I started crying at him. I really didn’t mean to, and was hoping to make it through the conversation without crying, but by god it garnered a sympathetic reaction.

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By Rebecca, February 1, 2010 10:32 pm

Trigger warning for discussion of eating disorders, self-injury, and suicide.

(Post title comes from this story. It is not a happy story. You’ve been warned.)

Almost exactly a year ago, I wrote a post titled If it quacks like a duck…

…how would I respond if someone said to me, “I have this friend whose been really stressed lately. In fact, a few times in the last month or so she’s forgotten to eat and has made herself sick as a result – she gets really nauseous and dizzy, and one time was out of commission for over 12 hours. Do you think she’s developing an eating disorder?”I’d probably say yes. Not a conscious one – she isn’t chosing not to eat to lose weight, or as an intentional defense mechanism – but yeah, probably.

Since then, I’ve been pretty good at staying on a healthy eating schedule. I’m still not eating healthier (no huge shift to greens like I promised my doctor…) but I am eating, even when I’ve been really stressed.

Well, I’ve been really stressed the past week, and realized two things that are really scaring me. First, I’ve been consciously tempted to not eat as a way to feel like I’m in some control over something in my life. Second, I’ve been thinking about cutting, to have some external focus for pain instead of all the internal ones.

Continue reading 'And I Must Scream'»

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By Rebecca, January 31, 2010 3:27 am

I am a clockwork woman, wound up by pills each morning, rundown and empty by the end of each day. I feel nothing but rough textures of transitioning, nothing passes my lips but bitter tastes of transitioning, my sight is filled only with desolate views of transitioning, my ears echo with discordant sounds of transitioning. My movements only mimic those of laughter and life.

I am stuck in myself, trapped between a history I don’t want and a future I can’t see.

Life branches out in front of me, and every opportunity must be taken. None can be missed. Every missed opportunity is a mark against me, of weakness and laziness and lack of strength. Because I am still chasing down the opportunity I did miss: a chance at transitioning younger, quicker, more gracefully.

And so I chase and I chase and I chase. And so I try to catch something lost forever. And so I wind myself up, let myself loose, and fail. Again. I hold myself up to standards impossible to meet.

No opportunity satisfies, because I could have should have would have done it better. I should have committed more fully. I should have given it more of my time. I should have started earlier, procrastinated less, given more of myself. I should have. I should have. I should have. Whatever ‘it’ is, it’s always the same.

Every day is doomed to failure, from the start.

I. Can’t. Win.

Continue reading 'Composed of clockwork'»

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By Rebecca, December 8, 2009 4:00 pm

The first night of tech for Trans Form was last night, and I’m kind of a mess.

(For those of you who aren’t theatre people, tech refers to technical rehearsals, where lights/sound/etc are set. It comes before dress rehearsals and/or previews, the final rehearsals before a show opens.)

The show is going fine, although I’m planning to head out of work early tonight and finish up some sound and video work. And yet, I’m really scared about it opening on Friday. Not simply stressing out, but scared. And, after thinking about what parts of the show terrify me, I realized I’m not just dealing with stage fright (although there’s some of that) but with some deeper internalized transphobia.

Continue reading 'Internalized transphobia'»

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By Rebecca, December 3, 2009 12:34 pm

I was talking with a friend last night about my show (Dec 11-13 at Links Hall in Chicago) and how I’m feeling conflicted about the way I’m portraying my life. As I’ve been mentioning, I’ve had trouble feeling excited and confident about the show. In the show, I don’t end on a pure or undiluted high note – I acknowledge that transitioning is hard, and I’m still struggling with a lot. But I do end on a hopeful note, something I’ve had difficulty really feeling as of late.

My friend was reminding me that it’s a show. My portrayal of myself on stage is obviously complicated and difficult. But I am allowed to take artistic liberties without needing to feel like I’m being dishonest or misrepresenting the truth.

And I’m allowed to give my performance-self a happy ending, in the hope that reality just might reflect art.

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By Rebecca, October 16, 2009 12:35 am

I work in a city-owned building, where artists and arts organizations rent out rooms. This morning, I went to the building office to pick up a replacement key for a door whose locks had changed. (Because the city is master of all locks, and in charge of keys.) I’m friendly with the building secretary, JS, and when I went to pick up the key she said she was annoyed with EU, a friend of mine who also works in the building and had put in the replacement key request for me. (Isn’t  bureaucracy awesome?)

I asked why, and she showed me the key request EU had put in. Specifically, my name.

“(Old name)/Rebecca”

That’s right, EU had put my male name -slash- Rebecca.

Continue reading 'One Step Back, One Step Forward'»

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By Rebecca, July 13, 2009 9:53 pm

A few weeks ago I wrote I Want to be Empty. It was, shall we say, not my most optimistic or positive of posts. I’m still kind of in a slump, and having a tough time getting out of it, but I thought a followup post might be in order. A post that, if not exactly positive, was at least looking in a forward direction. So, without further ado…

I want to be full.

Full of pride. Pride in my appearance, in my voice, in my presentation, in myself. Pride in who I am, day after day, and who I can be.

Full of contentment. Contentment in the choices I have made, am making, and will make. Contentment at being surrounded by friends and family who accept me, who love me.

Full of joy. Joy of life, of love, of sex, of biking past the lake on the way to work and seeing the horizon. Joyful laughter pushing past my teeth and exploding out my lips.

Full of confidence. Confidence in my ability to get up, get dressed, put on makeup, do my hair, speak on the phone, walk down the street, look and feel and act the way I imagine myself able to do.

I want to feel these emotions bubbling up inside me, rising like the tide, fizzing and popping with carbonation. Strengthening bone and muscle and sinew as they pass, until I am filled with light and ready to fly away like a bird.

I want to take in the world through eyes able to focus outward, too see and be seen.