Didn’t sleep well at all last night. Particularly a shame because I got to bed early-ish, and was hoping for a good 8.5 hours of sleep…
My first nightmare was set at some sort of bar or club – dim lighting, lots of people drinking, that sort of thing. I was performing burlesque. which is enough of a nightmare that the dream didn’t need to go any further… I was on some sort of couch on a raised platform, facing the rest of the bar.
I began taking off clothing, article by article, and the crowd was going wild. I could feel a charge from the crowd, from their enjoyment of my body. I was putting myself on display, and I was enjoying it.
But as I got down to just underwear (topless, but doing my burlesque best not to show everything) I started to hear upset murmurings from the crowd. It dawned on me that I was in underwear that made it obvious I was trans, so to speak. The crowd – mostly men – was angry at this deception, this offense, this outrage.
I got up from the couch in tears, covering myself with a pillow, and ran to a stairwell. A friend came to try and comfort me, but didn’t understand why I was upset and did a miserable job at calming me down, at which point I woke up.
Continue reading 'Nightmares'»
I haven’t posted about dreams in a while, but it’s been interesting seeing how my dreams have changed over the course of thr transition. I always used to hope I’d wake up with dreams of being a girl (not to mention of waking up as a girl…) but never really felt horribly gendered in my dreams. More recently, I’ve definitely had dreams about transitioning, being outed, and so on.
Last night, I dreamt I was in the hospital, recovering after having undergone SRS.
Continue reading 'Dreams of Surgery'»
Apologies for the overly-provocative title to this post, particularly in light of my last post, on violence and the expectations of violence.
In the past month or two, I’ve had three dreams where I was raped. It was very dream-like, in that I didn’t have the actual experience or memory of the actual rape. I just woke up in a state of panic at 3AM, with the knowledge that I’d been raped.
Looking at an online dream dictionary yields the following:
To dream that you have been raped, indicates vengeful feelings toward the opposite sex. You are feeling violated in some way or being taken advantage of. Something or someone is jeopardizing your self-esteem and emotional well-being. You feel that someone or something is being forced upon you.
Continue reading 'Rape'»
(Where we left off…)
And yet, Apogonos had always known some part of him was not right, was off somehow. In his heart of hearts he was sure he did not want to grow from boyhood to manhood, and would much rather cast off maleness entirely and claim a woman’s body. But he would have violently denied any such accusation, said they were wrong, he was a boy and would be a man.
For Apogonos had been struck at birth by the poisoned shaft of Ares, and drawn into a whirlpool of male and female.
The poison had seeped into his blood, lay mostly dormant for ten years, but was slowly coming to a boil.
The poison had always whispered in Apogonos’ ear, telling him that something was amis, and on his tenth birthday Apogonos dreamed:
Continue reading 'Ares and Aphrodite Myth'»
I’m in a play, and we’re in rehearsals. The space is sort of like a mirror image of the Workshop (which is a description I’m sure makes sense to no one but myself). I’m acting in a women’s role – I think I’m someone’s girlfriend – and I’m pretty excited about it.
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