Chapter I: In Which A Question Is Asked

One of the comments on This chick with a dick is exhausted caught my attention, to the point where I removed the comment from the thread (something I rarely do). However, I do want to respond to the comment, and explain why I removed it from the original post. Here’s the comment in question:

DISCLAIMER:  This is an honest question, NOT a ‘snarky’ remark.  There is absolutely no disrespect intended.

I am a relative new comer to “T-Land” and/or the world of the transgender.  I have some opinions but these are based from living in the main stream as a “privileged white woman”.

Nevertheless, I do understand your discomfort at the way you feel you were “dissed” by your “friends”.  So…This is my question?  ”Does the incident described in the following link describe you?  Does it describe a “gender queer”?  Does it describe a “gay/homosexual transgender”?

http://silverhalidedreams.blogspot.com/2010/12/deep-waters.html

Thank you in advance for considering and thoughtfully answering these questions.

I wanted to open up the discussion to a larger audience, which is why I’m responding in this public fashion. I don’t want this response to become an attack, and will remove any comments that seem tilted that way. Skip down to Chapter IV if you actually want to get to my response…

Chapter II: In Which She Discusses How To Hold A Discussion

Before I actually respond to the question asked, I want to discuss why I removed the comment from the discussion. Basically, the post I wrote – about a friend making a “chicks with dicks” joke in a show I saw -discussed my feeling unsafe and attacked as a trans woman, even in spaces I felt should be safe. I asked “it really possible to change those around us without always feeling like we’re on the defensive, constantly being attacked?” While I didn’t explicitly say I don’t like the term “chicks with dicks,” I do think it was implicit in the post (calling “chicks with dicks” an insult, and explaining how it made me retreat into an us-versus-them mentality).

So while this comment did acknowledge the commenter’s privilege and relative ignorance about trans issues, it’s possible she simply didn’t realize I take “chicks with dicks” to be an insult, and felt it appropriate to open the discussion into a wider conversation about identification, gender queer-ness, different “types” of trans people, and the sexual experiences (at least, my sexual experiences) of being trans. I’m going to give her the benefit of the doubt, and assume that’s where she was coming from.

Nonetheless, the I wasn’t intending the conversation to be about any of those things, which is why I felt the comment was something of a derailment. That is, the question(s) being asked would have steered the conversation away from my intended goal of discussing whether or not trans individuals can feel safe and protected in non-trans spaces and with non-trans populations. (So far, the consensus seems to be, “Hopefully, but it ain’t easy!”)

Looking at the always-wonderful Derailing for Dummies, we find the very first entry, If You Won’t Educate Me How Can I Learn:

Whilst seemingly simple on the surface, there is some intertwining subtext embedded within this one.

First of all, you’re placing responsibility for your education back onto the Marginalised Person™. As they are obviously engaged with these issues, and care about them, they are hopeful that Privileged People® may one day start listening and taking onboard what they have to say. By placing responsibility to educate in their hands, you tug at this yearning.

Now, I don’t intend my response to the original questioner to be this sarcastic. As an educator, I appreciate (almost) all questions which are asked in a good faith, honest effort to learn. That’s why I’m taking the time to A) talk about why I didn’t answer the question(s) in the other post and B) actually answer them. But I want to make very clear that this is a decision I’m making to answer them, not a responsibility, and I think the Derailing for Dummies quote helps highlight why the question was a bit of a derailment.

Chapter III: In Which She Analyzes The Question

All that out of the way, lets return to the actual question at hand:

So…This is my question?  ”Does the incident described in the following link describe you?  Does it describe a “gender queer”?  Does it describe a “gay/homosexual transgender”?

http://silverhalidedreams.blogspot.com/2010/12/deep-waters.html

Briefly, the link in question goes to a page at Silver Halide Dreams: The Erotic Adventures of Jamie & Her Detachable Penis. The page is a piece of written erotica, describing the interactions between the narrator and someone met at a bar. I’m avoiding choosing pronouns for the narrator, because I’m not sure what pronoun the narrator would use – the narrator has a penis, is dressed in women’s clothing with false breasts, and ends up having sex someone else who has a penis (referred to with male pronouns, so at least that’s clear). (And I’m not being sarcastic in this paragraph. I honestly don’t want to mis-gender the narrator. If anyone sees something I missed, that would gender the narrator, feel free to let me know.)

Digging deeper on Silver Halide Dreams (a great, evocative blog title, by the by) the blog’s author, Jamie, has the following to say on this page:

Many out there think that I hate post-op transsexuals. Or that I have an animus against “cross dressers.” I do not. What irritates me is the hypocrisy of both groups, which is the delusion that they both tend to operate under, which is more similar than it is different.

Most cross dressers want us to believe that they are heterosexual. They are, but they are not heterosexual males. Most transsexuals want us to believe they are females, not gay men. They are not females, but they are men.

And the source of both delusions is primarily the refusal to admit that the driving force of what they do has anything to do with sex. (Emphasis added.)

Wow. Lets hold that thought for a moment, until Chapter IV, though, while I finish analyzing the original question. It seems there are two main things being asked:

1. How does the narrator in Jamie’s story identify, particularly in relation to trans or gender queer identities?
2. How do I identify, particularly in relation to trans or gender queer identities?

And, more specifically, the questioner refers to both gender queer and gay/homosexual transgender identities.

The simplest definition for gender queer that I’ve heard is the one Wikiipedia uses, a catch-all term for gender identities other than man and woman. It’s often used by people who find those specific terms (or other gender identity terms) too restrictive, and/or not fluid enough.

Homosexual transgender, on the other hand, is an identity which fits within Blanchard’s idea of transsexualism, namely that trans people want to sleep with men so badly that they transition to obtain their sexual goal.

I think I’ve broken down the question as best I can, so on to Chapter IV!

Chapter IV: In Which She Actually Answers The Damn Question

Still with me? I kept you in suspense, didn’t I?

I’m going to answer part one first, because it seems easiest. That is, how does the narrator in the story identify? What is that narrator’s experience of the sexual act in the story?

Unfortunately for the original questioner, I don’t know. I didn’t write the story, and the story doesn’t (so far as I skimmed it) seem to specify. However, using the bolded section in the quote above – in which Jamie says that transsexuals are all men – I can take a guess. It seems that Jamie subscribes to the aforementioned ”homosexual transgender” idea of trans identity, that (many/most) trans people transition to sleep with men. But you’d really have to ask Jamie, leaving a comment on her blog, to get to the real answer.

That said, I don’t like using trans (or gender queer) as a noun, but prefer it as an adjective. “Does it describe a gender queer person?” “Does it describe a trans person?” I think identities are more than those little gender identity slices, and using terms as adjectives rather than nouns speaks to that wider identity.

Which brings me to the second part of the question, how I identify. Well, I identify as a trans woman; trans is an adjective that shapes my womanhood, but doesn’t define it. I don’t identify as gender queer (though I know people who do) and I don’t identify as a homosexual transsexual, though it appears Jamie does. The linked story doesn’t describe my experience because A) I don’t like sleeping with men, B) I don’t like sleeping with strangers I picked up at bars, C) my boobs are real, D) I’m never “determined to be a trooper” about sex, E) I have no interest in “[allowing myself" to become nothing more to him than a blow-up doll," and on and on and on. The story doesn't describe my experience for lots of reasons.

Likewise, while I have no problem with Jamie identifying as a homosexual transsexual, I want to send out a big giant FUCK YOU to Jamie and anyone else determined to decide what it means to be a man, a woman, or anything else. (I realize the original question-asker wasn't doing this, but it's an important point.)

So important, that I'm going to repeat it, as loud as the Internet allows:

You

Don't

Get

To

Define

My

Gender.

If most modern browsers didn't ignore the BLINK tag, I'd use that, too. Jamie even continues, saying:

But beneath the make-up, beneath the surgical alterations, the seed of whatever it is we have become has fallen from the same tree. Which brings us back to that except that I started with. The except of course being, that we are, regardless of what we appear to be,men. (Emphasis added.)

Well, first of all, Jamie (like so many who wish to impose the  homosexual transsexual identity on others) seems to forget or ignore the fact that trans men exist. They do. Really. I promise. One of 'em worked on my most recent show. (Hi, if you're reading this, by the way. Sorry some people don't think you exist.)

Second, I identify as a lesbian, something mutually exclusive with the possibility that I could 'really' be a man. And the girl I'm currently sleeping with (who may also be reading this. Hi, if you are!) seeing me as a woman, penis and all! And the sex we're having is hot lesbian sex, because neither of us are men! (That last sentence should help the search engine rankings. What? The Thang Blog? Hot lesbian sex? I'm there!)

Another from Jamie:

And the source of both delusions [about trans people 'really' being men] is primarily the refusal to admit that the driving force of what they do has anything to do with sex.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: I have yet to meet, in person, a trans person whose primary motivation for transitioning was sex, or who would stop transitioning were they to be the last person on earth, with no further hope of sexual encounters. This isn’t to say Jamie isn’t entitled to a different experience. I would never tell someone else what their motivations are. But, again, no one gets to tell me what mine are, either.

And that’s the real reason I chose to answer the question (you remember the question, don’t you?) rather than letting it slide. Because I can never resist getting on my high horse and reminding people that sex and gender are delightfully complicated, and delightfully individual. No one gets to decide your experiences, and you don’t get to decide anyone else’s.

Chapter V: In Which She Sums Up

So that’s my soap box speech. I hope the original commenter enjoyed it, and all of you who stuck through to the end enjoyed it as well. I want to make it clear that I don’t think the original commenter intended the question to be either derailing or offensive. (And it wasn’t offensive, just a bit off the subject at hand.) And I’m not trying to lump the commenter in with Jamie (or others) who try to tell me what it means to be a trans woman; I strayed a bit far afield from the original question, in the interest of getting some stuff off my chest. I don’t want that anger to be directed at the questioner, because it wasn’t.

Lastly,stay around for the post-show puppies.

See? Told you there'd be puppies.

For now, I wanted to turn once again to comments that are barely questionable as trolling.  That is, comments that are almost certainly posted just to be obnoxious, but there’s the slimmest sliver of a chance the person honestly thinks that way and isn’t intending to be inflammatory. This latest comment was posted to in reference to Misogyny and the Male Gaze:

What I love about trans is this:  They were sensitive and easily hurt to begin with, but now they feel they have a reason.  The dude’s always bothered you because he doesn’t think like you, but now the way he thinks *directly* deals with you, or so you think.

Get over it.  Yes, you are “a pair of tits with a dick”, and lots of people are going to see it that way.  Is that cool and fair and right? No.  But how many minds are you changing by whining about it?  Whining implies that you have no balls.

I mean, cry all you want, but you had your chance, still have your chance to be the man you were born as, so I think the crying is a little weird, forced and irrelevant at this point.

How delightful!

We’ll jump over that first paragraph, including why trans should be used as an adjective and not a noun, to get to the meat of things.

Get over [people offending you]. Yes, you are “a pair of tits with a dick”, and lots of people are going to see it that way.  Is that cool and fair and right? No.

Not really trolling so far. Not great advice, or delivered with any particular tact, but there is something to be said for the “toughen up and grow thicker skin” school of thought.

But how many minds are you changing by whining about it?  Whining implies that you have no balls.

That’s where the comment really takes a trollish turn. First, I’d say I was attempting to create and engage in a discussion around A) How my views about women have changed now that I’m living as one full time, and B) What to do about people who step on or offend those views. Whining, although certainly something I’ve engaged in (and undoubtedly will again) is a different beast. (BTW: I love the use of ‘peevish’ in linked definition.) Of course, in saying this, I forget that anyone who disagrees with a man about the objectification of women must be whining.

Likewise, I think telling someone who is on hormones – hormones whose major goals are reducing testosterone and increasing estrogen – that they have no balls is a hilarious choice of insults. I can only hope that the irony is intentional.

I mean, cry all you want, but you had your chance, still have your chance to be the man you were born as, so I think the crying is a little weird, forced and irrelevant at this point.

At last we reach the heart of a good troll (each item comes with its own Derailing for Dummies link!)

1. The chance to be dismissive of my identity as a trans woman (“…you had your chance, still have your chance to be the man you were born as…”)
2. Making claims I’m being overemotional
3. Simultaneously claiming my offense is feigned and forced

Anyone have any more to add, or have I hit ‘em?