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By Rebecca, June 12, 2011 1:31 pm

My last post discussed some of the hard emotions I’ve been dealing with, but not as much how I’m trying to get away from ‘em or move past ‘em. After talking with my therapist and my doctor this past week, we came up with some tactics for getting to a better place.

One of the things my (awesome) doctor mentioned was the fact I’m really hard on myself. (No shocker there.) And that I don’t easily accept compliments. (Also, something I knew.) But he extracted some history from those ideas in a way that hadn’t occurred to me. One of the big things he said, which I’ve thought about before but never quite this explicit way, is I’ve trained myself to dismiss compliments because for so long they were at least partially false: “Oh, you’re handsome,” “You’re such a strong boy,” whatever. But I’ve trained myself to not only to dismiss compliments, but to feel that they were lies because the person giving the compliment couldn’t possibly see the ‘real’ me. Well, now that I’ve transitioned, that’s no longer true. So I need to unlearn that. Most of the tactics we discussed deal, at their core, with being nicer to myself and more open to accepting positive energy both from myself and from others.

Continue reading 'Assignments for mental health'»

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By Rebecca, June 11, 2011 10:36 pm

Trigger warning for discussion of self injury

I’m always hesitant to post here when I’m having a hard time. It’s a few things. First, this is (obviously) a public forum. I don’t hide my ‘real’ identity. So there’s some reluctance to have friends I maybe haven’t talked to in a while say “Why am I hearing about this from your blog and not directly from you?” That hasn’t happened often, but once burnt twice shy. I also keep bumping into this weird public/private persona. I don’t make a conscious effort to distinguish between the two, but there is a distinction: there’s stuff about sex and relationships and emotions that I haven’t posted on this blog, or that won’t make it into shows I do. But I also feel this awkward need to justify my hard times, to say “I’m feeling shitty….but I know there are people worse off, so I can’t allow myself to feel shitty.” I think this is particularly tricky in minority communities (at least, it feels that way in the trans community) because if I say “I feel ugly” or “I feel masculine” or “I feel alone” there are lots of folks able to say “You’re not as ______ as me!”

But I still have those feelings.

This post is an effort to not justify or explain or couch my emotions. This post is simply an expression of them. Comments like “Well, you don’t have it that bad, look at XYZ” will not be appreciated, and may be deleted. I think I’m a damn generous moderator, but right now I just need some expression of self pitty and hardship.

With all that friggin discilaimering out of the way, lets get to it.

Being trans is hard.

Continue reading 'The hard stuff'»

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By Rebecca, May 30, 2011 3:12 pm

Self Loving: Biking along Chicago’s incomparable lakefront, knowing the journey is the point, not worrying about speed or distance or time. Enjoying the air, the view, the sensation of flying next to the water.

Self Loathing: Biking along Chicago’s lakefront, comparing myself to every beautiful woman I see, never feeling slim enough, curvy enough, busty enough, pretty enough.

Self Loving: Switching to a new (closer, more responsive) doctor to try and adjust my antidepressants to something more effective.

Self Loathing: Rushing into the switch (through my own laziness, not the doctor’s fault) and dropping hormone and antidepressant dosages way to fast. Panic attacks. Anxiety. Dizziness. Thoughts of self-harm.

Self Loving: Going to bed at midnight instead of two, three, four AM.

Self Loathing: Tossing and turning in bed, checking email, reading websites, IMing with friends until two, three, four AM.

Self Loving: Getting off my butt to apply for jobs, work on my show, apply for grants.

Self Loathing: Starting to apply for jobs, work on my show, apply for grants and then get overwhelmed and dizzy and lie on the couch until it goes away. Except it doesn’t, because the stress is still there.

Continue reading 'Self Lo______'»

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By Rebecca, February 3, 2011 6:35 pm

Dramatic lighting not included

My gallbladder was removed in May, marking my first extended stay in the hospital since I was maybe six or seven. And, as unpleasant as the experience was, it was also an eye-opener in a really surprising way: I like being taken care of.

I consider myself very independent. I have a great relationship with both of my parents, and am wiling (unlike my brother) to accept financial help from my parents. (And, in the case of my mom, accept challah, cookies, sweaters, bras, socks…) But the idea of being given financial or material help, for me, has always somehow been different than the idea of being pampered. Of being waited on. Taken care of. Which is what a hospital stay, almost by definition, has to be.

Continue reading 'Hospitals and being taken care of'»

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By Rebecca, February 24, 2010 4:05 pm

I had another doctor’s appointment today, as a followup to the one I had a few weeks ago. He said I should stick with the Lexapro (now on week two) and he opened my chakras again.

We also talked for a while about regret and how to look forward.

I explained to him how I’ve been feeling like I’m wallowing in regret. That I’m consciously aware of how good I do have it, but still can’t get over this fantasy that things would be better had I transitioned earlier or not had to transition at all. (By which I meant ‘had been born female.’ Don’t worry.) I know it’s futile, and I know it’s harmful, but I can’t get out out of it. He responded that I need to find a way to look forward, not  backward; regret over what’s passed can consume you. (Tell me something I don’t know…)

On the train ride home, I was rereading some essays from Yes Means Yes and one in particular struck home. From Sex Worth Fighting For:

I remained preoccupied by fears that something “truly” bad would happen, and often imagined gang rape and murder that would finish me off for good. It would probably be committed by boys who didn’t plan to go that far but felt like trying out their power on somebody who seemed like an easy target. This scenario felt so possible to me as to be the likely next step in my life.

Continue reading 'Doctors, self defense'»

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By Rebecca, February 6, 2010 10:47 pm

Friday afternoon, I went to my doctor to talk about my hormone levels and the possibility of antidepressants.

I like my doctor, a lot. I didn’t have to jump through hoops to get my hormones (only in retrospect do I realize how rare that is), he has a good sense of humor, and he remembers the important goings-on in my life, even with months separating visits. I will say he is consistently running late, something that drives me up a wall. I operate on ‘stage manager time’: early is on time, on time is late, and late is unacceptable. (This is why I show up fifteen minutes early to most places in my life…) The flip-side of his timeliness, though, is that he spends a lot of time with his patients; I don’t like sitting around in his waiting room, but I very much feel taken care of while seeing him.

At my appointment on Friday, I explained how I’d been feeling, i.e. not too hot. We talked about what’s been going on in my life, and what things have been positive or negative. He was very observant in that most actors and artists have some sort of post-show blues, but I described how this felt really different than other post-show blues I’ve experienced; that this was about feeling an utter lack of excitement about anything, not simply being sad a show was done.

He said that made sense, and gave me a 2-week trial of Lexapro. Then he asked if I would be comfortable with having my Chakras opened.

Continue reading 'Antidepressants and Chakras'»

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By Rebecca, February 3, 2010 7:06 pm

Just got back from my therapist where, through many tears, I was able to talk about feeling depressed, miserable, not wanting to eat, and thinking about hurting myself.

Hard. Session.

She gave me a mini to-do list, which I’m working my way through. I called my mom to talk to her, and we both cried a bit. I don’t know that I’m going to go up and stay with her tonight, but maybe tomorrow or this weekend. Play with the cats a bit. I’m putting off calling my dad, but need to do that next.

I also let the lead teacher of the high school class I’m working with know I couldn’t come to tech this weekend and next week. Which really sucks. More than anything else, I feel bad about dropping that commitment.

I also called my doctor to schedule an appointment and get my hormone levels checked, as well as get a prescription for an antidepressant.

The last few items on my short-term list (trying not to think long-term at the moment) are calling my boss and saying I won’t be in the rest of the week, putting an auto-reply up on my work email, and talking to my roommates. And calling my dad.

Working on breathing. I’m told that’s a good thing. And, I think, after having dinner I may go downstairs and play with my landlords’ dogs. That’s always good therapy.

Edit: Calling my boss was almost worth it, just to hear the sudden change in his voice when I started crying at him. I really didn’t mean to, and was hoping to make it through the conversation without crying, but by god it garnered a sympathetic reaction.

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By Rebecca, February 1, 2010 10:32 pm

Trigger warning for discussion of eating disorders, self-injury, and suicide.

(Post title comes from this story. It is not a happy story. You’ve been warned.)

Almost exactly a year ago, I wrote a post titled If it quacks like a duck…

…how would I respond if someone said to me, “I have this friend whose been really stressed lately. In fact, a few times in the last month or so she’s forgotten to eat and has made herself sick as a result – she gets really nauseous and dizzy, and one time was out of commission for over 12 hours. Do you think she’s developing an eating disorder?”I’d probably say yes. Not a conscious one – she isn’t chosing not to eat to lose weight, or as an intentional defense mechanism – but yeah, probably.

Since then, I’ve been pretty good at staying on a healthy eating schedule. I’m still not eating healthier (no huge shift to greens like I promised my doctor…) but I am eating, even when I’ve been really stressed.

Well, I’ve been really stressed the past week, and realized two things that are really scaring me. First, I’ve been consciously tempted to not eat as a way to feel like I’m in some control over something in my life. Second, I’ve been thinking about cutting, to have some external focus for pain instead of all the internal ones.

Continue reading 'And I Must Scream'»