Oh.

I wish I could have been more excited for her, because I know how hard she’s trying to support me (and how much she enjoys buying me girlie things with “Rebecca” on them like she did with my old name when I was a child). But I don’t always know what to do with a “Rebecca” puzzle. Or keychain. Or Hebrew necklace.

Meanwhile, I talked to my dad tonight, for about 4 minutes. I’ve been meaning to call him all week, and was trying to summon the energy to do so. I’m actually really sorry he called, and I probably shouldn’t have answered the phone, because I had neither the energy nor inclination to have a good conversation. I could (should) have told him more about the new girl we’re hiring at work, my raise, my little trip this weekend to Wisconsin, and asked more about how he’s doing. But I always end up feeling like my words go in one ear and out the other, anyway, so it’s hard to find the energy.

Your relationship with your dad confuses me. When he’s not supportive you get mad at him, when he is supportive you get mad at him.

I know I’m the outside looking in, but I think you took his email the wrong way. I think he was trying to show you that he’s getting his act together and wants to be there to support you, and that never again will he let you down.

I don’t think he was implying that without him you’ve been alone.

I think that you’re right, my relationship with my dad is a little ridiculous right now. When he’s not supportive I get upset, and when I think he’s either being ignorantly supportive or self-centeredly supportive, I get upset. That said, I’m conciously trying to restructure the relationship and not cut him the slack I feel I have been. My therapist and I have talked a lot about my relationship with my dad (tres cliche, I know) and we’ve been very satisfied with a ‘status quo, don’t rock the boat’ relationship.

Well, I don’t want that kind of relationship with him anymore, if I ever really did. So I am giving him a hard time, hopefully to get our relationship to a place where I feel more comfortable interacting and spending time with him.

-R

PS – He replied saying, basically, “change ‘alone’ to ‘without my support’”, to which I replied thanking him for his support because it does mean a lot. I’m not trying to scare him away or hurt him when he tries to be supportive, but I’m also not trying to let him off easily when he’s saying something I think isn’t fully thought out.

I have to tell you that I was extraordinally impressed by the quality of all of the performances, including yours. More than that, however, I was moved almost to tears by your words as well as your acting, both of which obviously came from deep within you. I am truly sorry that you have had to shoulder your pain and anguish alone for all these years. But never alone again. I love you very much. Dad

I know our communication is a bit strained right now, but the lines “I am truly sorry that you have had to shoulder your pain and anguish alone for all these years. But never alone again.” really struck a nerve on how he sees my identity as trans and how I’ve dealt with it. I sent him the following response:

I really appreciate you coming to the performance, and I think it was work – both mine and others – that was good for you to see. I know you love me, and I count myself extremely lucky and privileged to have two parents who are so supportive and supporting of my identity as trans and my transitioning. So I think I know what you mean by “I am truly sorry that you have had to shoulder your pain and anguish alone for all these years. But never alone again.” and I wholeheartedly appreciate the sentiment.

That said, I can’t help but feel it’s a little presumptuous to assume I’ve been alone all these years and, at the same time, that I’m not alone now. I haven’t shouldered my pain and anguish alone – I’ve had friends, both on- and off-line, who have offered support and love and shoulders to cry on. And, at the same time, I’m still alone in my body, as everyone is alone in theirs; I can’t experience what goes on in behind anyone else’s eyes, nor they what goes on behind mine.

I’m trying not to read too much into what you wrote and, again, I know you meant it with all the love in the world. I don’t want you to feel like you need to be walking on pins around me or when you talk to me, but I need to be able to feel like I can let you know when something has touched a nerve. I love you a lot, too, and don’t want the lines of communication fuzzied in either direction by misunderstandings.

i love you
-j

Dad,

I’m sorry I didn’t get back to you earlier. As I said, I’ve needed some time to think things over, and figure out where I am.

I think for right now I’m not really up to an overnight trip. I would like to spend more time with you, and maybe even figure out a weekly or bi-monthly time to go for a couple-hour bike ride (like we did over fathers day) but I think overnight is a little too much for me.

I also really do appreciate your offer to talk with my therapist together, but I think that, for right now, I can’t be the sole place you’re dealing with issues relating to my transition. I’ve included some links below, as well as links to some books that you might find useful. I’d also say check out PFLAG and see if they have any resources, and/or talk to my mom – I know she’s been to a group of parents of transgender kids and would probably be happy to give you their information. Please let me know if you have any questions about anything I’ve sent – I can’t promise I’ll answer all of them (or even know the answer!) but I’ll certainly try to give you honest responses. Again, part of the reason I brought stuff up was to open a line of communication that seemed to be dead, but I also feel like it can’t be one way.

Lots of love,
-J

Links:

• What transsexuality is – definition, cause, and history
• A primer on transsexuality
• An article about being a parent and dealing with behavior than doesn’t conform to normal gender roles
• Mom, I Need To Be A Girl – a book about one mom’s experience with her transgender daughter
• Understanding Transgender Children – an article from ABC
• TransProud – For Parents of Transgender Children – a letter to the parents of transgender children, with links (some of which I’ve included in this email)
• Transsexual family resources – a page of links concerning family issues for trans people; I’ve included some of the links from this page

Books

• The Riddle of Gender – a look at the different ideas of gender over the last ~100 years, written by a friend of someone who is trans; good historical overview and lots of viewpoints about what gender and being trans mean
• Gender Outlaw – a book on what gender means by a trans woman; one of the first trans books I read years ago
• My Gender Workbook – a tongue-in-cheek book in the style of a textbook, with ‘lessons’ you’re supposed to follow and ‘tests’ you’re supposed to take to make you think about where gender (and gendered behavior) comes from. good for flipping through and reading chunks to prompt new thinking, not really for cover-to-cover reading
• She’s Not There – a well-written, (relatively) non-sensational autobiography by a trans woman

On top of that, I’m currently not talking to my dad (following this conversation; scroll down for it) and just talked with L, my therapist, about all of that. (All of that being what my dad and I had talked about, how I’d felt about it afterwards and since then, and what I can/should do about it now.)

The thing she did want me to acknowledge was that, ultimately, this was a good step. My dad and I have had communication issues for years. Or, at least, I’ve felt we have; it’s unclear if he did. So not only was I breaching transitioning issues, I was trying to change the style of communication for the first time in our relationship.

She also said that I can’t be the sole person who is talking to him about transitioning stuff. My mom had found a support group, so she had a place to voice questions/concerns and hear other parents’ thoughts. My dad is, shockingly, not going to do something like that unless I push him. She suggested I send him other places (books, websites, groups, etc) that might be able to help him and let him know that I can’t be his only source of information or support. Which I think makes tons of sense.

What she also suggested, and what I’m less thrilled about following through on, is trying to see him more often (once a week or so) as a way (the only good way) to normalize things in the long-term. I know she’s right, so I’m writing an email to my dad right now that says, basically, “An overnight bike trip” (which we’d beed talking about before) “is out of the question right now, but I’d be up for another afternoon trip again,” and additionally include a list of resources he might look into to (eventually, hopefully, maybe) learn more about why I was upset with him and what needs to change in our relationship.

The way L put it, which I think was useful for me, was that if you have a spectrum of knowledge/experience with trans issues running from A to Z, I’m around G or H (which I’ve also been thinking about – 1/3 of the way through? Can’t figure out if that strikes me as too far, not far enough, or just right…) and my dad’s so pre-A he’s off the chart.

-R

So the first one is about clothing, the most mundane (and yet oh-so-important) of things. L was saying I needed to just go to Target, where no one would care what I was looking at or trying on, and get something. I was whining and backpedaling and letting fear of embarasment keep me from doing it. See, among other things, I really don’t like to feel like I don’t know what I’m doing. And buying women’s clothing? I don’t know what I’m doing.

But I finally got up my courage and went to Target. (There’s a sentence I never thought I’d write…) After putting off the women’s clothing section by looking at all the cool Lego Star Wars toys and the GPS systems and the make-your-own-ice-cream things, I finally meandered slowly past the clothing section. I felt like a bad spy in a satire, where if no one notices the spy before they try to ‘sneak,’ everyone damn sure will after.

Then I lost my nerve and went next door to Office Max, hating myself all the way.But wait! I went back, meandered some more, looked intently at my phone as if i just happened to stop to check the time near the women’s section and wasn’t struggling with 23 years of ingrained shame about not identifying as a man.

In the end I did come home with two women’s tshirts. I dawdled some more, pretended I was looking at my shoes, my phone, anything but the clothing in front of me. But I managed to try something on, and didn’t die of cripling embaresment (because L’s right, as usual, no one gives a shit). And they’re undeniably feminine, with scooped necklines and slight waists, feminine in a way that the vast majority of my clothing is not.

And I do feel really good about having bought them, and owning them. They show that I have boobs! Oh dear god, I have boobs! Ridiculous. (Wearing them in public, however, will be a different battle…)

Shifting gears slightly. The second thing L ‘wins’ at, which ends on a less happy note, was talking to my dad.

We went biking for Father’s Day yesterday, which was actually really good. We did about 20 miles round trip, and even talked about doing an overnight trip at some point, about 30 miles each way (which I’m somewhat interested in doing, since 20 miles was pretty OK). But then on the way back, I brought up transitioning.

L had said that, since I’m an adult now, it’s not only my dad’s responsibility to keep up the relationship. That is, if there’s something I think he and I should talk about, it’s half my responsibility to bring it up. I’d felt like we hadn’t really talked about transitioning stuff…well…ever, and was a little uncomfortable about it. So driving on the way back to my house, I finally did bring it up. But I felt like every time I gave him the opportunity to ask questions or explain why it was hard for him to deal with, he just repeated “This is hard for me.” Even worse, he said border-line homo/transphobic things like “Well, how would you feel if I said I was going to become a woman?”

That hurt first, becuase I think he’s handling it worse than every other person in my life is, so I have pretty high standards for how he should be handling it. Second, he’s had literally ten years to think about my being trans and still dances around the vocab of trans-ness and transitioning.

So I ended up coming home in tears, with him insisting he loves me and me feeling like he was saying “I love you, but….” But I slept on it, and G was (of course) really good at helping me calm down and get a little perspective. I’m still upset with him, and I think I have the right to be upset. But I also am trying to see things from his perspective and not be too hard on him. As G said, I need to go easier on him, but also on myself.

So I emailed him today, in response to a brief email he said where he apologized for upsetting me but didn’t even try to figure out why I was upset, and said that I still love him and would still be interested in going on the overnight biking trip, but need a few days to figure out my thoughts before responding to what we talked about concerning the transition.

I’ll let you know how it goes.

-R