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By Rebecca, December 21, 2009 9:35 pm

It recently occurred to me that within the next few weeks – January 5, to be exact – I will have been living as Rebecca full-time for a year.

I’m not sure what to make of this.

Continue reading 'Anniversaries'»

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By Rebecca, December 1, 2009 11:47 am

In my upcoming show, I stage something along the lines of the dialogue from this post:

I don’t do it as often anymore, but I used to have conversations in my head between myself and Rebecca, who was not yet “myself.”

My conversations would usually start when I was feeling particularly stupid, or sad, or masculine. She’d start, this Rebecca that I imagined myself as in some alternate universe, speaking to me across the barrier which separated our realities: “You’re never going to be happy if you keep on like this.”

The section was well-received at the work-in-progress showing, but I realized that the audience was watching a very different scene than I thought I was portraying. The response I got from the friends who were at the showing was, “There’s a great dramatic irony to that scene, because obviously Rebecca ‘wins.’ You did transition, and you’re no longer who you were.”

But my emotional connection with the scene is very different.

Continue reading 'I’m not yet myself'»

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By Rebecca, November 25, 2009 10:31 pm

In line with my previous, super positive and up-beat post, I’ve been thinking more about why I have this horrible block on viewing  myself, or anything I do, in a positive light.

I know that a lot of it stems from regret and self-loathing at having waited to long to transition. I’ve mentioned how “Rebecca” used to yell at male-me to get off my/his ass and do something about being trans other than mope. But it never really worked. I have a chunk of that in the show I’m working on, and it’s sort of ridiculous – I’m playing myself (Rebecca) telling myself (16-year-old-male-me) that if I/he only took some action he’d “get to be me!” The dramatic irony is obviously that I do end up as Rebecca.

Except I’m realizing that I feel like the transition has gotten ahead of me. That, for so long, it was this secret thing that I didn’t talk about except in very private situations. The fantasized and idealized possibility of actually transitioning seemed totally out of reach. Even if I did transition, so I thought, I would never end up pretty or successful.

People tell me I’m both of those things. Objectively, I’m forced to acknowledge the second is true, even if it doesn’t feel like it, but sure as hell not the first.

I haven’t had a chance to catch up with the transition, to internalize and think of myself in the way everyone else seems to. I’m not sure how… I still feel like I’m playing pretend, putting on a costume. I’ve been bemused recently by the women in my life – coworkers, my roommate, friends – who feel comfortable sharing information about their periods with me in a way that they never would have a few years ago. They obviously see me as a woman. Why can’t I?

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By Rebecca, November 25, 2009 10:31 am

I just got done with a meeting about Trans Form (Dec 11-13, 2009! Plug plug plug!), with a friend who came to see my work-in-progress showing on Monday.

Talking about the specifics was just fine – she’s a great artist, which is why I invited her and wanted to hear her thoughts. She had good suggestions, and asked some useful questions that I need to think about, in terms of blocking and motivation for certain actions. (Hi, J, if you’re reading this, and thanks again for the meeting!)

But, near the end of the meeting, I realized once again how unable I am to take (and believe) any sort of compliments. I’m so ridiculously self-deprecating, and I hate it.

Continue reading 'Playing Pretend'»

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By Rebecca, November 16, 2009 10:11 pm

An afterthought to my previous post…

I’ve also been thinking a lot about singing while watching Glee. I never particularly liked singing, but I’m pretty musical. I’ve been playing piano for years, and been told I have a nice singing voice. But I don’t think I’m a great singer, and don’t do it very often.

I suppose I should correct myself – I never liked hearing myself sing. I honestly do like singing, and really wish I could appreciate my own singing voice. (It’s a sign of how drunk I am if I’m willing, let alone eager, to sing while playing piano or Rock Band…)

But, even though I’m usually OK with my speaking voice (usually, mind you), I can never find a range I’m comfortable with while singing. My natural range is very male, and while I can hold a tune and know I’m a not-too-shabby singer, it doesn’t feel great that I always end up singing the male parts while driving in the car.

I’ve considered taking lessons, but feel like I’d automatically be outing myself if I do so. (I’m logically pretty sure that’s not true, but still feel like it is it.) I’ve been trying to get myself to sing more often, and not shy away from Rock Band at the very least, but it’s been an uphill climb…

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By Rebecca, June 21, 2009 1:40 am

I just got back from the fundraiser I was volunteering at tonight, and had an experience I wanted to share.

Throughout the evening, and particularly later in the evening as I was more and more tired and my mental filter dropped, I found myself looking down and being somewhat awestruck at the sight: Boobs (my boobs!) in a dress (my dress!) framed by hairless arms topped with painted nails (my arms and nails!) leading down to smooth legs (my legs!) ending in heels (my heels!) tipped with painted toes (my toes!).

This was the most femininely I’ve dressed up since starting to transition, and even though I was exhausted from helping out rather than having fun, I sort of couldn’t get over the experience.

Continue reading 'Looking down from a great height'»

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By Rebecca, March 9, 2009 10:54 pm

Is there actually a lack of an online FTM trans community, or have  I missed it simply because I haven’t been looking for it?

I would like to be able to not look at every other woman and judge myself based on her (or, at least, judge myself and find that I sometimes can measure up…) I realize this isn’t unique to trans women, but I have a suspicion most cisgender women worry about whether or not their pee sounds right in the bathroom…

Someone at the Workshop today mentioned that someone else we’d been working with this past week was trans, and she wasn’t sure if she should say anything or not. I’m glad she did, because on the ride home I realized how powerful it is to have someone in my life – even if only tangentially – who is A) trans, B) successful in their chosen field, and C) passing. So thanks, you-know-who-you-are!

I still need to buy more clothing.

-R

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By Rebecca, March 2, 2009 11:46 pm

I came home tonight and my rooommates were having a chat about relationships (I’m not entirely sure what they were talking about, to be honest) and it turned into one of those lovely meandering conversations about everything and nothing. But, of course, it eventually got me thinking about my relationship, and where I am.

I saw my therapist earlier tonight, and actually came out feeling pretty good. “You seem calmer this week,” she said, and it’s true, overall.

But I still really miss her. I do believe what I’m doing is the right thing for me in the long run, but I love her, and I really miss her. And thinking about that, of course, made me sad in the missing.

And AR and I started talking, in the door between our rooms, about how I think about myself. She said she was proud of me, and I said something along the lines of, “Don’t be.” She pressed me, and I said I don’t feel like I’m proud-worthy; that being proud of is something for “other people” and I don’t think very highly of myself right now (if I ever have).

She said that’s obviously something I need to work on. That maybe I should make an effort to write down compliments people give me and keep a book, or post them on my wall, or solicit thoughts on myself from friends so I know that they think highly of me.

The idea of such an overwhelming amount of compliments literally had me on the floor, hiding with my hands over my head.

Obviously, that’s not a great way to think of myself:  so poorly that the mere idea of being complimented can drive me to tears.

And I’m not sure what to do about it.

-R

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By Rebecca, February 19, 2009 8:52 pm

One of my roommates came up to me the other day and said, “Hey, I was at target and the woman running the register was trans!”

I, trying to figure out how to respond to that, said, “Well, how did you know?”

“I mean, you could tell from her facial structure.”

I paused, trying to pinpoint exactly why this conversation was making me uncomfortable. “OK, but can’t women have different facial structures?”

She tried to brush it off, saying, “Yeah, but you can tell…”

I was feeling really uncomfortable at this point, and really didn’t want to keep going down this road. I ended things by making sure she understood at least part of what was going on. “You know you should never say you think someone’s trans, right? Because if they are, they’ll be upset that you realized it, and if they’re not, they’ll be upset you think they are.”

Continue reading 'Being read'»

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By Rebecca, December 31, 2008 1:21 am

(Yet again, if you don’t care about how my boobs are doing you probably don’t need to read this post…)

So I sucked it up today and went to Victoria’s Secret where I learned a few things. Again, we’ll do bad news first.

The bad news is that the bras I got are, ultimately, uncomfortable and a bit too small, so will need to be returned. Specifically, the end of the underwire, between the cups, digs into my sternum rather painfully, and they’re all already stretched on the last set of hooks.

The good news is that I was sized at Victoria’s Secret and apparently my own guess of 38A wasn’t horrible, but I forgot that that also means 36B and 34C, which is how they ultimately sized me. So, armed with that knowledge, I am now more confident in my ability to find a bra (or, dare I say, bras) that fit me, get me out of the sports bras I’ve been wearing for a year, and are actually comfy.

The bonus good news is that, even with feeling a little bummed that the stuff I spent money on needs to be returned (and the friends I’ve talked to tonight ultimately said “Oh, I’m not a huge van of Victoria’s Secret’s bras…”), I was able to do it without having a panic attack and I went to Old Navy and got some tops and khakis I like and I got my hair cut today and like that, too.

As I said to some friends, I think spending all that money on clothing and hair and enjoying it means I’m suffering from estrogen poisoning, but I aint’ complaining…

-R