Compliments
Comments (3) I came home tonight and my rooommates were having a chat about relationships (I’m not entirely sure what they were talking about, to be honest) and it turned into one of those lovely meandering conversations about everything and nothing. But, of course, it eventually got me thinking about my relationship, and where I am.
I saw my therapist earlier tonight, and actually came out feeling pretty good. “You seem calmer this week,” she said, and it’s true, overall.
But I still really miss her. I do believe what I’m doing is the right thing for me in the long run, but I love her, and I really miss her. And thinking about that, of course, made me sad in the missing.
And AR and I started talking, in the door between our rooms, about how I think about myself. She said she was proud of me, and I said something along the lines of, “Don’t be.” She pressed me, and I said I don’t feel like I’m proud-worthy; that being proud of is something for “other people” and I don’t think very highly of myself right now (if I ever have).
She said that’s obviously something I need to work on. That maybe I should make an effort to write down compliments people give me and keep a book, or post them on my wall, or solicit thoughts on myself from friends so I know that they think highly of me.
The idea of such an overwhelming amount of compliments literally had me on the floor, hiding with my hands over my head.
Obviously, that’s not a great way to think of myself: so poorly that the mere idea of being complimented can drive me to tears.
And I’m not sure what to do about it.
-R
Themocracy