Obviously, it’s not a contest. But damn if it doesn’t seem that way when she’s right and I’m wrong…
So the first one is about clothing, the most mundane (and yet oh-so-important) of things. L was saying I needed to just go to Target, where no one would care what I was looking at or trying on, and get something. I was whining and backpedaling and letting fear of embarasment keep me from doing it. See, among other things, I really don’t like to feel like I don’t know what I’m doing. And buying women’s clothing? I don’t know what I’m doing.
But I finally got up my courage and went to Target. (There’s a sentence I never thought I’d write…) After putting off the women’s clothing section by looking at all the cool Lego Star Wars toys and the GPS systems and the make-your-own-ice-cream things, I finally meandered slowly past the clothing section. I felt like a bad spy in a satire, where if no one notices the spy before they try to ‘sneak,’ everyone damn sure will after.
Then I lost my nerve and went next door to Office Max, hating myself all the way. Continue reading 'Therapist: 2 – Me: 0'»
I was recently accepted into a mentorship program with a gay performance artist (he’s the mentor) and two other mentees, with the goal of developing queer solo performance. (As the title indicates, I’m excited about this, but also somewhat terrified…) Anyway, I thought I’d share my application, somewhat edited to remove some identifying information
Why Solo Performance?
When I was thirteen I crept into my parent’s room and tried on my mom’s black one-piece bathing suit, inflating my flat chest with socks and tucking my penis between my legs. Had I been asked, had a surprised family member burst in and wondered what the hell I thought I was doing, I could not have provided a good answer. Ten years later, now one year into hormone replacement therapy and exploring the identities of ‘transgender,’ ‘transsexual,’ ‘lesbian,’ and ‘queer,’ I no longer need to stuff my bra with socks but I am still searching for an answer to that most powerful of questions: What the hell do I think I am doing? Continue reading 'I have to perform, like, in public?'»
Yes, I’m at work right now. But I’m running payroll and there’s a lot of waiting for the checks to print, so I don’t feel too guilty about posting…
I’m talking online with MG and mentioned I’m continuing to be stressed/unhappy becuase I feel like i’m in a holding pattern with the transition. She said, “Well what else do you have left to do? Maybe if you break it up into all of the steps it would be easier just to do it one by one, than to think about all of it.”
So lets try. This list isn’t in any particular order…
- Start using R instead of J with everyone in my life.
- Right now I’m using it with close friends and my mom
- Shift my wardrobe toward womens’ clothing
- I’ve done a little in this regard, but I really get panic-y when trying to shop. I need to find a shopping buddy…stupid friends living in other states…
- More hair removal
- I need to do some touchup stuff on facial hair, some more major eyebrow work, and crazy major body hair work
That can’t possibly be it, can it? I mean, I also have things like
- Think of myself as female
- Figure out a new signature
- Figure out a new handwriting
- Change my voice
But I feel like those are a little different. I dunno, maybe not. They just feel more mental that physical…
-R
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