One of the things I’ve said, which I’ve discussed here before, was my frustration at still feeling lousy. That is, I’m doing what I want to be doing: transition(ing/ed), performing, writing, freelancing, dating. In another way, I’m doing all the right adult things: getting my teeth cleaned, paying my bills, shopping for groceries, and so on. So if I’m doing everything ‘right,’ why do I still feel like shit? Why do I still want to hurt myself?

In response, my doc talked a lot about how we ingrain our behaviors and – ultimately – write certain paths in our brain. When I was younger, wanting to hurt myself as an escape was entirely legit. (Wow, it was awesome to have a medical professional validate that.) I couldn’t transition, felt like I couldn’t come out, was developing in ways that were absolutely wrong for me, and felt very trapped in many ways. In that situation, the escape of self-harm (which I fortunately did avoid) is a release valve when everything else is stuck.

But now, everything else isn’t stuck. But my brain is still trained to go straight for that release valve.

Dr. Cook talked a lot about What The (Bleep) Do We Know?, a movie which apparently discusses this idea a lot. That, in our behaviors, we not only develop habits but actually strengthen certain connections and physiological paths in the brain. That makes sense to me as a performer and as a pianist, because I know how doing something a certain way over and over absolutely – and seemingly magically – causes connections to strengthen. And, suddenly, you know your lines. Or the fingering for a specific song.

But what Dr. Cook argued (and, apparently, the movie argues as well) is that these paths aren’t only created for lines from a script or notes from a song. That every behavior builds up or breaks down these mental and neurological paths. Until you reach the point where, even though there’s no longer an external need to be so anxious or depressed or inflict self-harm, the internal path still exists: slight amount of stress equals MASSIVELY DISPROPORTIONATE negative mental response.

And so, I keep  walking over the same well-worn dirt path, reinforcing the very real neurological consequences.

The question, then, is how the hell to get off the dirt path. Dr. Cook said the What the (Bleep) Do We Know? has some good visualizations, but also just to think about going back to those assignments. To internally use positive ‘I’ statements following praise, or even just when feeling down. To acknowledge successes before failures. Dr. Cook admitted this all sounds a little touchy-feely, and that upping my antidepressants is still a backup option. But he said, and I agree, that it’s much better to retrain the brain to do the work itself than simply give it the chemicals that’ll do the work for you.

So here we go!

(And in that vein, I’m proud I wrote this blog post today, instead of procrastinating.)

Self Loathing: Biking along Chicago’s lakefront, comparing myself to every beautiful woman I see, never feeling slim enough, curvy enough, busty enough, pretty enough.

Self Loving: Switching to a new (closer, more responsive) doctor to try and adjust my antidepressants to something more effective.

Self Loathing: Rushing into the switch (through my own laziness, not the doctor’s fault) and dropping hormone and antidepressant dosages way to fast. Panic attacks. Anxiety. Dizziness. Thoughts of self-harm.

Self Loving: Going to bed at midnight instead of two, three, four AM.

Self Loathing: Tossing and turning in bed, checking email, reading websites, IMing with friends until two, three, four AM.

Self Loving: Getting off my butt to apply for jobs, work on my show, apply for grants.

Self Loathing: Starting to apply for jobs, work on my show, apply for grants and then get overwhelmed and dizzy and lie on the couch until it goes away. Except it doesn’t, because the stress is still there.

I’m not in a great place right now. I’m seeing my doctor tomorrow, so hopefully we’ll be able to address my feeling shitty both physically and emotionally. I’m feeling like I did two years ago when I wasn’t eating enough out of stress, except I’ve been really carefully making sure I am eating enough. And the dizziness and nausea is coupled with mini-panic attacks.

I say ‘mini’ because I’ve had good ole-fashion panic attacks. Not for about a decade, fortunately, so I’m trying to focus on that as a positive rather than the ones I am experiencing as a negative. But having to pull over while biking, gasping for air and trying not to cry, still isn’t a good thing. Almost turning back from going to the bus to see a friend’s show. Feeling unable to go to a BBQ tonight.

I’m keeping it together as much as I can. I see my doctor tomorrow, so hopefully that’ll help, and my therapist on Wednesday, so I’m attacking this from both a medical and mental health angle. And my head is enough above water that I’ve been able to push down and ride out the bouts of major negativity: thinking about self harm has not turned into self harm. I can still pull myself back from a downward spiral of hating my body and hating myself.

Fingers crossed.

I like my doctor, a lot. I didn’t have to jump through hoops to get my hormones (only in retrospect do I realize how rare that is), he has a good sense of humor, and he remembers the important goings-on in my life, even with months separating visits. I will say he is consistently running late, something that drives me up a wall. I operate on ‘stage manager time’: early is on time, on time is late, and late is unacceptable. (This is why I show up fifteen minutes early to most places in my life…) The flip-side of his timeliness, though, is that he spends a lot of time with his patients; I don’t like sitting around in his waiting room, but I very much feel taken care of while seeing him.

At my appointment on Friday, I explained how I’d been feeling, i.e. not too hot. We talked about what’s been going on in my life, and what things have been positive or negative. He was very observant in that most actors and artists have some sort of post-show blues, but I described how this felt really different than other post-show blues I’ve experienced; that this was about feeling an utter lack of excitement about anything, not simply being sad a show was done.

He said that made sense, and gave me a 2-week trial of Lexapro. Then he asked if I would be comfortable with having my Chakras opened.

I wasn’t totally sure how to respond to that. My doctor is very into Eastern philosophy and medicine, although I’ve never felt him push that in our visits. Indeed, while he had discussed his experiences in the Far East and the decorations in his office clearly showed his interest in Eastern philosophy, he had never suggested I try anything along those lines. He explained what the Chakras were, for which I’ll use Wikipedia:

The Chakras are said to be “force centres” or whorls of energy permeating, from a point on the physical body, the layers of the subtle bodies in an ever-increasing fan-shaped formation (the fans make the shape of a love heart). Rotating vortices of subtle matter, they are considered the focal points for the reception and transmission of energies.

He said that, when someone is stressed or depressed, their Chakras can become closed off and prevent the free flow of energy in their system. That contributes and furthers the stress or depression in an unfortunate cycle. He wanted to try taking me through some guided meditation to try and open my Chakras and help me become less stressed.

To be totally honest, I was (and am) somewhat skeptical of the stated goal: opening my Chakras. However, I am a fan of guided meditation and even, when trying to get over panic attacks in middle school, went through some successful hypnotism sessions with my then-therapist. So I was on board for the general idea of a relaxation exercise, and said so. But not totally convinced of anything beyond that.

He took me into a different room, with a raised padded platform; not quite massage table but less clinical or uncomfortable than an examination table. I laid on my back while he explained where the Chakra points were that he would be focusing on: the top of my head, my forehead, my neck, my sternum, right bellow my bellybutton, and my crotch. He was going to place his hands on those locations and chant me through a guided visualization, cycling through repeatedly. During all that, I was supposed to visualize energy bouncing form my head to my feet, back and forth.

The exercise was, indeed, relaxing. I recalled my breathing instructions from hypnotism and began focusing on slow, measured, inhaling and exhaling. My doctor began a chant that, as much as I can recall, was something along the lines of

We call on you the universe force, guide us and protect us, open us to the new, ground us, allow us to be a channel for and a source of power.

I know that’s actually nothing like the exact wording, but that’s how I remember the emotional intent. He went through a bunch of repetitions at each Chakra, and then moved to the next. (For the last, near my crotch, he had me put my feet by my hips to bring my knees up, and then placed his hand on the bottom of my thighs. A little odd, but nothing that made me super uncomfortable.

After his repetitions were done, he took out a pendulum and held it over me. This (somehow) showed him that my Chakras were open, which was a good thing.

The whole experience was definitely a new one for me. I did enjoy it – I’m able to sink into guided meditation pretty successfully, presumably from my experiences being hypnotized and being used to lots of guided visualizations in acting and theatre classes – but I don’t know that I felt “better” after. More physically relaxed, perhaps, but not less sad or stressed. Admittedly, being more physically relaxed isn’t something to overlook. But my doctor was suggesting I come back once a week, and I’m not sure. He didn’t say I needed to, or that I shouldn’t also try antidepressants; either of those statements would have made me a lot more uncomfortable. Rather, he said it was something that helped him feel more relaxed and centered, and has had similar luck with other patients of his. He said I should think about it, and give him a call if I decided I wanted to try it.

Now I need to just make that decision…

I also took the first Lexapro pill, 10mg, this morning. There isn’t supposed to be an effect for at least 2 weeks, which seems sort of silly – I’m supposed to schedule an appointment with my doctor in 2 weeks to discuss how I’m doing, but if I won’t be noticing an effect by then, why give me only 2 weeks of pills? Oh well… As I said, I like my doctor and am willing to trust him on this.