One of the things I’ve been thinking about, as I figure out a way to focus on the future instead of dwelling on the past, is what moments I feel I ‘missed out’ on. There is a whole lifetime of experiences I feel like I’ve missed, but I’m hoping I can find a few specific moments to explore through performance. And, by doing so, and really exploring these moments to their height, I’m hoping to find some sense of resolution about having ‘missed out’ and be able to start looking forward.
Here’s the list I have so far. My rule for myself is I have to put down anything I feel like I missed out on by not growing up and being socialized as a girl, no matter how silly or inconsequential my adult mind thinks it is. I don’t think I’ll explore all of these things on stage, but I’d like to at least try and see where things go, and what feels the most raw (and thus the most important).
- Playing with dolls
- Playing dress-up
- Having slumber parties
- Having a Bat Mitzvah
- Learning how to put on makeup (this is a big one, and one I just need to sit down and practice)
- Horrible, awkward, clothing shopping with my mom
- Going to awkward middle school dances in a pretty dress (or even in an ugly dress)
- Going to prom in a pretty dress
How ’bout it, gang? What pivotal moments of girlhood or growing up female need to go on this list? As I said, my entire goal is to be as ridiculous and indulgent as possible. There are parts of me that feel like my regret is silly, that I should be happy about who I am now, not regret who I wasn’t. And, consciously, I think that’s true. I just can’t get myself to really believe it, in my core. But if I can flood myself with things I ‘missed,’ maybe I can realize I didn’t miss anything – that who I am today just fine.
Went back to the dentist this week, even though I wasn’t very excited to have my cavities filled after my last visit. Fortunately, I got some better news – one of the cavities was super easy and not at all painful to fill, and the other one might not be a cavity at all! Basically, it looked like a really bad cavity from one angle on the x-ray, but not the other. And, if it was as bad of a cavity as it seemed, it should have been visible from both angles. So, rather than go digging and possibly not find anything, we’re going to wait a few months and I’ll come back to get another set of x-rays. If the ‘cavity’ hasn’t changed, that means the x-ray is really just showing my teeth (slightly odd teeth, apparently). If the ‘cavity’ has changed, that means it’s actually a cavity and I need to get it drilled. Ouch! (This is part of the reason I like my dentist – he’s willing to not do a procedure if he doesn’t think it’s the right decision.)
Meanwhile, in the parking lot, I saw this and it made me laugh:
(For anyone who doesn’t get it, OMG means ‘Oh my god!’ in text-speak. As in “OMG WTF! u nevaz did dat, like, dats like, fkin gay! if i did dat id be like, wowz!!!!”
I’m trying to update the banner images on this site, and it seems like they’re only displaying intermittently. Can people post and let me know if the images at the top are or aren’t showing? And, if they are, what image is being displayed? (And and, if you reload the page, does the image change?) Thanks!
I’m a bit late on this, but Helen Boyd recently posted her thoughts on the whole ‘cisgender’ usage debate. From her post (selected quoting)
First, I’m going to claim a difference between cisgender & cissexual. Cisgender, the problem seems to me, is not the easy opposite of transgender. Cisgender implies, or means, or could mean (depending on who you talk to), that someone’s sex and gender are concordant. So your average butch woman, who is not trans, or is, depending on how she feels about it (see Bear Bergman), is now somehow cisgender. So is someone like me. So is a femme-y gay man who maybe performs a more gender normative masculinity for his job. That is, those of us who have variable genders, who maybe are gender fluid or gender neutral but who don’t identify as trans, are now somehow cisgender.
& Honestly, that’s bullshit. There’s a reason I use GVETGI to describe myself = Gender Variant Enough To Get It, is what it stands for.
Telling me, & other partners whose lives are profoundly impacted by the legal rights / cultural perceptions of trans people, that we are “not trans” implies that we are also not part of the trans community. I’ve been saying for years now that we are. When trans people are killed, harassed, not hired, fired due to discrimination, denied health care, etc. etc. etc., their loved ones suffer along with them. Their families, their lovers, their kids especially. We are not just “allies.” We are vested, dammit, & a part of the trans community, so when “cisgender” comes to mean, or is used to mean, “not part of the trans community,” we are once again left out in the dark.
Um, what? She’s made two huge leaps, neither of which I really agree with.
Continue reading 'Helen Boyd is wrong about ‘Cisgender’'»
Wow! I must be doing something right to warrant a “You can’t be a feminist if you’re trans! Waaaaaah!’ comment! Gold stars for everyone.
(An oldie-but-goodie from the Best of Craigslist.)
Dear Red States…
We’ve decided we’re leaving. We intend to form our own country, and
we’re taking the other Blue States with us.
In case you aren’t aware, that includes Hawaii, Oregon,Washington,
Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, Illinois and all the Northeast. We
believe this split will be beneficial to the nation, and especially
to the people of the new country of New California.
Continue reading 'Dear Red States'»
MG has been in this past weekend (and a little last week) for wedding prep and bridal shower stuff for SH’s upcoming fall wedding, and has given me a big shot of confidence. I’m generally feeling better about lots of stuff, so everything sort of collectively seems less scary, but MG said some specific comments about how I was looking (like guessing my weight 15 pounds below what it actually is!) that really just made me feel good about myself. We also went shopping for some clothing (at Target! ooooh, classy) just so my closet wasn’t so androgynous (at best…)
Likewise, I went out some this weekend in explicitly feminine clothing and it felt good. I even got included in a collective ‘ladies’ tonight after going to the beach and decidedly not looking feminine…
So yeah. I’m starting the mentorship thing tomorrow, culminating in a group performance next Sunday and solo performance in November (so far away!) so I’ll definitely post on how it goes. But although I’m still a little terrified – about presenting myself as R artistically and just presenting myself artistically, period, and just presenting presenting myself as R, period – I’m feeling lots better about all three of those things.
Hopefully I’ll still feel the same way after the first meeting tomorrow!
-R
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