No one looks like they're enjoying this situation, to be honest
In Which A Question Is Asked
What does it mean to be a sexual trans person? A sexual trans woman?
Sidenote: I’m looking for my copy of Fucking Trans Women, an awesome e-zine available at http://fuckingtranswomen.com/. I know I bought and downloaded it, but am having trouble finding it. I emailed the site owners, tho, and hopefully they’ll be willing to send me another copy. At the very worst, I can spare another $5 for their great project.
Back on topic, I think being trans and sexual is tough for me (gonna try to use ‘I’ statements in this post, and not make generalizations) in part due to the huge variety of mixed messages I’ve received over the last 27 years. I’m sure I’m missing some categories, but here’s what I’ve come up with:
Messages about male sexuality, even though I didn’t identify as male
Messages about female sexuality, which I picked up even though I wasn’t yet presenting as female
Messages about heterosexual sexuality, mainly from when I was presenting as a straight male
Messages about queer sexuality, both before and after I came out
Messages about specifically lesbian sexuality, again from both before and after I came out
And last-but-never-least, messages about specifically trans sexuality, limited primarily to ‘chicks with dicks’ and ‘she-male’ porn
That’s right, I’m wading back into Israel. Not satisfied with my recent post about Israel, Obama’s speech, and the 1967 borders/lines/whatever, an article I saw in my Google News feed caught my eye. The Sacramento Bee disappointingly reprinted a total fluff piece entitled “New York LGBT Center Taking Sides of Anti Semites.” The subtitle is “Michael Lucas Organizes Boycott,” and the piece is by none other than one Michael Lucas. Way to be classy. I’m not linking to the piece, since it’s total propaganda, but it did make me really curious about the organization being referenced, Queers Against Israeli Apartheid. And, more broadly, is Israel supporting a state of apartheid?
(For the record, I do think this discussion and disagreement is newsworthy, I just think it’s really poor reporting to reprint a biased self-written press release supporting a specific position. So I’m not opposed to the Sacramento Bee reporting something, just on how they chose to report.)
I just launched a Kickstarter project to help send me to Washington DC for the National Center for Transgender Equality lobby day! Here’s my explanation video:
This is a movement piece based on the emotional experience of my Bar Mitzvah. The prompt from my choreographer was to find and distill specific moments from pre/mid/post Bar Mitzvah, and essentialize them into movement phrases. Enjoy!
One of the things I’ve been thinking about, as I figure out a way to focus on the future instead of dwelling on the past, is what moments I feel I ‘missed out’ on. There is a whole lifetime of experiences I feel like I’ve missed, but I’m hoping I can find a few specific moments to explore through performance. And, by doing so, and really exploring these moments to their height, I’m hoping to find some sense of resolution about having ‘missed out’ and be able to start looking forward.
Here’s the list I have so far. My rule for myself is I have to put down anything I feel like I missed out on by not growing up and being socialized as a girl, no matter how silly or inconsequential my adult mind thinks it is. I don’t think I’ll explore all of these things on stage, but I’d like to at least try and see where things go, and what feels the most raw (and thus the most important).
Playing with dolls
Playing dress-up
Having slumber parties
Having a Bat Mitzvah
Learning how to put on makeup (this is a big one, and one I just need to sit down and practice)
Horrible, awkward, clothing shopping with my mom
Going to awkward middle school dances in a pretty dress (or even in an ugly dress)
Going to prom in a pretty dress
How ’bout it, gang? What pivotal moments of girlhood or growing up female need to go on this list? As I said, my entire goal is to be as ridiculous and indulgent as possible. There are parts of me that feel like my regret is silly, that I should be happy about who I am now, not regret who I wasn’t. And, consciously, I think that’s true. I just can’t get myself to really believe it, in my core. But if I can flood myself with things I ‘missed,’ maybe I can realize I didn’t miss anything – that who I am today just fine.
Went back to the dentist this week, even though I wasn’t very excited to have my cavities filled after my last visit. Fortunately, I got some better news – one of the cavities was super easy and not at all painful to fill, and the other one might not be a cavity at all! Basically, it looked like a really bad cavity from one angle on the x-ray, but not the other. And, if it was as bad of a cavity as it seemed, it should have been visible from both angles. So, rather than go digging and possibly not find anything, we’re going to wait a few months and I’ll come back to get another set of x-rays. If the ‘cavity’ hasn’t changed, that means the x-ray is really just showing my teeth (slightly odd teeth, apparently). If the ‘cavity’ has changed, that means it’s actually a cavity and I need to get it drilled. Ouch! (This is part of the reason I like my dentist – he’s willing to not do a procedure if he doesn’t think it’s the right decision.)
Meanwhile, in the parking lot, I saw this and it made me laugh:
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