Comments (8)

By Rebecca, August 26, 2010 1:13 pm

Truth!

Slashdot recently had a story up about Julian Assange, the founder of Wikileaks, being accused of rape (and the charges subsequently being dropped). Slashdot is a very male-dominated site, and any discussion of rape and sexuality usually turns to how men are unfairly targeted by rape accusations, and presumed guilty before any evidence is presented. I wasn’t expecting a horribly well-informed discussion, but I was surprised to come across a comment about Enthusiastic Consent. From the comment:

Here in the US they’ve coined a term for the PC way of going about sex: Enthusiastic Consent. [suite101.com] It is an outgrowth of the PC version of “No means No!” from the 1980′s. In the 80′s in the US they counseled college kids that they had get permission at each step of the way. They actually had role-playing seminars where you’d ask “is it OK if I touch you here?” “Is it OK if I kiss you there?” You really got the feeling that these people had never had a real sexual encounter in their lives, and wanted to make sure that nobody else did either.

The commenter goes on to talk about how the Enthusiastic Consent movement is attempting to create a world where “anything can be considered rape.” Way to misrepresent. My response is below.

As someone who is a fan of the Enthusiastic Consent model, I think you’re misrepresenting its goals. Specifically…

So this [idea of Enthusiastic Conset] has morphed into an “anything can be considered rape” model, where even getting an affirmative “yes” to each of these questions is not enough. The “yes” has to be truly enthusiastic to count. So telling a girl that you love her and want to have sex with her is rape – because you are exploiting your relationship. Have a couple of drinks together? Rape. Tell her “it’s Ok, everybody does it?” Rape. Know somebody who lives in a society that is OK with casual sexual encounters? Ooops, that might be social conditioning – better not try to hook up. ‘Cause that’s rape.

The idea of Enthusiastic Consent is not to rewrite rape legislation out of whole cloth. Rather, it’s to create a social movement where the healthy expectation is that sex should only occur between two people who enthusiastically consent to the activity. To use your example, saying “It’s OK, everybody does it” isn’t and shouldn’t be rape. But I’d sure say it’s an ethically questionable way to get someone in bed with you. Likewise for exploiting a relationship status, likewise for using somebodies social expectations of casual sexual encounters to pressure them into sex. Again, none of those situations are rape but they’re all situations in which the consent of one party was not given enthusiastically.

And as a woman who really enjoys having sex, surrounded by friends – male and female – who also enjoy having sex, why would I want any of us to be having sex that wasn’t consented to with enthusiasm!? Why would you ever want that for yourself, or your friends, or your children? There are enough things in my life that I’m only blase about, sex shouldn’t be one of them. And so no, Enthusiastic Consent does not mean that the situations you list somehow are transformed into rape. It does mean that they’re indicative of a society which sees little wrong with unenthusiastic sexual encounters, and argues that that’s a problem.

As a final note, you scoff at the idea of asking “is it OK if I touch you here?” “Is it OK if I kiss you there?” You don’t get to decide what level of consent your partner has offered. And if you don’t ask, you can’t know for sure.

The two replies, neither form the original commenter, continue to miss the point, that Enthusiastic Consent is less about legal reform than it is about social. Which is frustrating, but I felt good about chiming in and trying to correct the misconception.

What do y’all think about Enthusiastic Consent? Did I miss anything myself, or misunderstood some important point?

I sort of want to buy this shirt...

Comments (3)

By Rebecca, July 28, 2010 9:41 pm

Earlier this week, Feministe had a post titled My Sluthood, Myself. Its author, Jaclyn, talks about how casual sexual encounters have become a healthy and positive part of her life:

But it didn’t really matter [if the encounters were worth repeating]. Because sluthood isn’t an action, it’s a state of mind.

I’m telling you this because sluthood saved me. Sluthood gave me the time and space to nurse a shattered heart. It gave me a place where I could exist in pieces, some of me craving touch, some of me still too tender to even expose to the light. Sluthood healed the part of me that felt my body and my desires were grotesque after two years in a libido-mismatched partnership. Now I felt hot, wanted, powerful. My desire and enthusiasm was an asset, not an unintended weapon. Even now, with more time passed, now, when I am actually ready for and wanting a more emotional connection, sluthood keeps me centered. It keeps me from confusing desire and affection with something deeper. It means I have another choice besides celibacy and settling. It means I won’t enter another committed relationship just to satisfy my basic need for sex and affection. It gives me more choices, it makes room for relationships to evolve organically, to take the shape they will before anyone defines them.

It’s quite a read, and I highly recommend it.

Continue reading 'Feministe’s “My Sluthood, Myself.”'»

Comments (4)

By Rebecca, July 7, 2010 12:28 am

I was making out with a girl this weekend at our apartment’s Fourth of July get-together. We were both rather drunk, and I wasn’t sure she knew I was trans. (Don’t worry – we were in my living room, with roommates at the other end of the apartment. It was a safe situation.) Her hands started exploring southwardly; I stopped her, asking, “You know I’m trans right?”

She paused. “No.” Another pause, leaving lots of room for me to start worrying about her eventual reaction. “So?”

And she leaned in for another kiss.

Comments (20)

By Rebecca, July 4, 2010 3:53 pm

Happy Fourth! This has nothing to do with the 4th of July, but enjoy!

In a fit of frustration, I posted this to Craigslist a few nights ago, right before I went to bed:

SUBJECT: I’m going to regret this, aren’t I?

BODY: What the hell does a trans woman have to do to get laid around here? Or even just go on a date with a nice gal who isn’t crazy? I’m pretty confident that I’ll get some obnoxious replies to this, but what else is new?

Maybe I’ve spent too much time in the performing arts community (lots of gay guys, sadly fewer gay girls) but I’m sick and tired of A) seeing all my friends have these seemingly delightful little hookups and flings while I stand on the side, alone, and B) seeing all of these attractive, articulate, interesting women when there’s no possibility they’ll sleep with me! Or even date me. Or make out drunkenly in a hut tub.

And I’m sorry I’m trans. I really am. My dick has given me many pleasurable orgasms over the years, but it’s definitely not the equipment I’d have picked if given the choice. And surgery is scary, expensive, and means I might never be able to orgasm again. (Put that in your pipe and smoke it!) So I get that while, politically and ideologically, we should be able to “see beyond what’s between our legs,” that’s asking for a lot back here in reality. So I’m not offended if my being trans means you, the one reading this post, is not interested in dating me. I understand that we’re all attracted to who we’re attracted to. (I will be offended if you’re a douche about it, though.) But I begin to feel like there’s a vast queer woman conspiracy out to keep me celibate when I strike out again and again and again. Continue reading 'A Craigslist adventure'»

Comments (3)

By Rebecca, June 17, 2010 9:49 am

I’ve been thinking about sex. With men.

This isn’t something I’m sure I want to do – now or ever – but it’s something thathas been on my mind for a long time. And, as my transition had progressed and I’ve moved from being perceived as a man to being perceived as a woman, the idea has seemed less and less outlandish.

It’s kind of like being a vegetrarian.

Continue reading 'Sex and vegetarians'»

Comments (11)

By Rebecca, June 8, 2010 8:18 pm

While driving to work this morning, someone pulled up along side me at a stoplight and motioned for me to roll down my window. He was gesturing to the back of my car and saying something, and I worried that I had a light out, my trunk was open, or (worst of all) I hadn’t noticed a flat tire.

I rolled down my window and he started talking across the gap between our cars. I couldn’t really hear him over the rain, complicated by his soft voice and foreign accent. I finally understood that he was complimenting me on my bumper stickers. This happens every so often, and I always get a kick out of it. I have a couple dozen bumper stickers on the back of my car, ranging from the political – about Obama or women’s rights – to the silly (“No, I will not fix your computer”). I thanked him, and started to roll my window back up, when he yelled something I heard very clearly:

“Wanna meet up some place?

I rolled up my window, turned back to the light (green, by this time), and sped away.

Continue reading 'The male gaze can jump in a lake'»

Comments (17)

By Rebecca, May 20, 2010 3:04 pm

The obligatory 'queer sexuality' symbol

A while back, beo_shaffer asked how I feel (sexually) about “people with non-binary gender [and] about other transsexuals?” I’ve been thinking a lot about it since then, and realized I don’t have a quick-and-easy answer. So I’m going to use this post to talk about beo’s question, but also to more broadly consider my own sexuality.

I identify as a lesbian. And I think, to some extent, that means I’m saying that binary genders are important to me sexually. Or, at the very least, that I perceive people within binary gender categories, even though politically I don’t think we should see people that way and it’s something I’ve tried to overcome when I notice myself doing it.

At the same time, I do find the idea of penetration to be a turn on. I know penetration is not an inherently heterosexual act, but I’ve been exposed to 25+ years of heteronormative culture and I do associate the two to some extent. While I’m coming to understand a much wider (and healthier) concept of sexuality – one not so penis-in-vagina-centric – most erotica I’ve read has been heterosexual. Mainly because I can’t find reliably good lesbian erotica. (Suggestions welcome!) And while I’ve never found a specific man to be attractive, the theoretical idea of being with a man sexually is interesting to me. (Probably due in no small part to the copious amounts of erotica I’ve read over the years…)

To put it another way, I feel like I’d probably be a five on the Kinsey Scale – I could imagine having fun in a heterosexual sexual experience, but it’s not what primarily ‘does it’ for me.

Continue reading 'Sex and sensibility: thinking about attraction'»

Comments (0)

By Rebecca, May 18, 2010 5:12 pm

I’m going on a date tonight (oooh) and a coworker was joking with me about it. “Don’t put out! By which I mean do put out. Or hopefully she’ll put out.”

I laughed, and shot back, “You suck!”

Which of course made her respond, “I don’t, but hopefully she will! Wait, that doesn’t work…”

I almost reminded her that, no, the parts I have does let that joke work. But just kept my mouth shut and smiled.

(And don’t worry, I’ll do a post on how the date went.)

Comments (4)

By Rebecca, April 26, 2010 2:28 pm

It’s been a while, I know, but I figured it was time to finish off some of these questions. Lets go!

• Do you want to have “bottom” surgery?

“Bottom” surgery usually means sex reassignment surgery (SRS) and I think “want’ is a tricky word to use here. If the Vagina Fairy came through my window (no, not that one) to wave her wand and give me a pussy, I’d say “Yes!” in a heartbeat. I’d also say that I do want to have had SRS, in the same way I want to have learned a foreign language: I want the results, but don’t want to go through the pain and suffering to get there. But do I want to have surgery at some point in the future?

I’m not sure.

Continue reading 'Questions on being trans, from highschoolers (pt 5)'»