Yum!

Way back September, I won a gift package from Early to Bed as part of their anniversary giveaway. Since I’ve been making such good use of my prizes, I figured I should share the love with all of you. The best part of the prize pack was undoubtedly the rechargable Vibratex Mystic Wand. Now i realize it looks a whole lot like the Luxe Magic Massager I reviewed back in 2010. And the general size and form factor are about the same. But where the Luxe was a poor-quality, loud, non-silicone, un-sexy toy, the Mystic Wand is awesome.

Lets start with build quality. The Mystic Wand has a removable silicone head, which allows for better cleaning and for the head to be replaced with other attachments that Vibratex makes. EDIT: I misread something somewhere. The rechargeable Mystic Wand does not have a removable anything. That said, it’s all silicone so easily cleaned with soap-and-water. END EDIT. The head is firmly attached to the body by a flexy-bendy neck, giving good control without feeling like the vibrating part is going to snap off. The body is coated with what feels like the same silicone as the head, but I’m not positive enough to want to stick it in my body. But you wouldn’t want to, so no worries.

The body is easy to hold, and feels well-made and not too heavy. There are two buttons – one to turn on and one to cycle through the 6 different vibration patterns: three that are a solid vibration at various strengths, and three that are different patterns of on and off. There’s also a blue light, which is a little bright, but I’m not looking at it while I’m using it… The version I got is rechargeable, and there’s a little rubber nub at the bottom to cover the charging port. Vibratex says it’s “splash resistent,” but I’m not going to risk trying it in the shower. It does feel pretty watertight, though. All in all, it feels like a good piece of equipment in ways the similarly-shaped Luxe never did.

Not my hand...

But how does it feel? Quite good, thankyouverymuch. The different vibration options offered enough variety for me, without being overwhelming. I particularly liked the mnn-mnn-mnnnnn setting. It’s also quite enough that I didn’t feel like an airplane was taking off under my covers, or that my roommates were going to burst in at any moment to check why I had a blender in my room. The rechargeable batteries inside also last for quite a while. I’ve recharged it a few times since September, but with regular use I’m still not having to plug it in every week. Which is good, since it can’t be used while plugged in, a real bummer.  The battery compartment isn’t user-accessible, as far as I can tell, so hopefully whatever battery it has will last a good long while.

All in all, this has become my go-to toy. I haven’t had a chance to try it with anyone else, so this is all my opinion. But it’s a high opinion, and I’d definitely recommend this to anyone out there. Early to Bed doesn’t carry the rechargeable (yet?) but has the standard Mystic Wand for $60, and if you’re looking for a vibrator that isn’t also a dildo I say it’s a great buy.

I do like my pink one, though. The non-rechargeable colors just don’t do it for me. ::grin::

This – A short two-person show involving a man trying to convince a woman he just met to marry him. Surprisingly bittersweet and evocative.

FreakShow Deluxe – Exactly what it promises, making me remember I actually don’t love freakshows. But human blockhead, dangers whip and sword acts, the whole deal.

The Rocky and Bullwinkle Horror Picture Show Parody – SO MUCH FUN! If you love old cartoons and Rocky Horror, this show is the place to be. Hilarious, well-written, well-sung, and very well-costumed.

Grimm and Bare It – I only really saw the last 2/3 of this show, since I was volunteering at the box office at the beginning. It was fun, a combo of fairy tales and burlesque, but not amazing. Which was surprising, seeing as there was a line out the door and the venue had to turn away maybe 70 people. Definitely worth seeing, but I was impressed by the huge turnout.

A Rumble in the City – Two of Kansas City’s Burlesque and BOYLesque troupes (in KC? Who knew?) in a fun competition to see if men or women are better burlesquers. Very much rigged for the entertainment of the audience, but really well done (and funny and thoughtful) acts ranging from West Side Story to vampires to the song Under Pressure.

Evolution – Another show in my venue. Roman, a trans man, talks about his experiences traveling and hitchhiking across the southern US. A really interesting story which took him to lots of (geographical and emotional) places.

I’ve also been really out there pushing my postcards and have probably gone through maybe half of the 5,000 I ordered. I used some before I came to KC, but most of that has been handing them out while here. A few Fringe-goers have gotten to know me because I keep running into them in line, which is fun. I also enjoyed volunteering last night because, again, it was a great way to meet people.

The burlesque shows are selling incredibly well, so I’ve been hitting up those lines a lot. I’ve also been staying outside all of the shows I’ve attended, handing out postcards until the last minute and then slipping into a back row.

KC Fringe has a ‘hangover show’ award, which means the best-selling show in any particular venue gets a free bonus performance on the final Sunday of Fringe. I’m cautiously optimistic that I’m on track to be the best selling at Loft 122, especially because I heard they’re doing a lazy total sum of tickets rather than a more sophisticated averaging across all performances. (Not that I blame me for their mathematical laziness when calculating something at midnight on a Saturday night, which is when they’ll get the final ticket numbers to make the call.)

So all in all I’m having a great first Fringe trip outside of Chicago. I’m psyched for the rest of the week, and for Indianapolis and Chicago in the coming months

I need to warn you up front: Deborah Harkness’ novel, A Discovery of Witches is part one of a trilogy, and the second book isn’t scheduled to come out until next year. I say “warn you” because I made it a third of the way through the book before I read the dust jacket and learned the tale of Dr. Diana Bishop wouldn’t be complete for a few more years. And already, a third of the way into the first book, I knew I wanted to read the whole trilogy.

Check out the full review here.

Wait, what?

A Discovery of Witches is a big book: 500+ pages, hardcover, a hefty read by any measure. There were many times I wished I could be reading it on my Nook, resting the much lighter digital reader on my lap while in bed, or propped up on the kitchen table while eating, or easily in a single hand while brushing my teeth. The act of flipping pages with a click or a swipe (the Nook’s digital screen and physical buttons allow for either) was missed. I hadn’t realized how nice it was to not think about bookmarks until I found myself needing them once again.

But (and you knew there had to be a ‘but’ coming) now that I’m done reading A Discovery of Witches, I’m easily able to loan it to friends. While reading it, I was able to turn down pages or circle sections to help remember a passage I wanted to note in the review, or go back to later. Sure, it’s possible to place bookmarks and notes on a digital book, but there aren’t (to my knowledge) a good system of exporting them; they’re trapped on the Nook. Likewise, while it’s possible to strip digital books of their copy restrictions (and I would, were I ever to make such a purchase) they aren’t as easily lendable or swappable.

Which brings me back to the act of reading versus the act of having. I’m still not sure if or when I’ll purchase a digital book, because I’m a pack rat. I really like the act of having. As I said before, if buying a physical book came with a free ebook, my book purchases would increase dramatically. And if there’ s a light summer read, something I doubt I’ll want to go back to, I may end up taking the plunge and spending money on it. Likewise, I’m loving all the books I illegally downloaded, in violation of their copyright. The act of reading those is simply bliss. But I’m not yet sure diving full on into ebooks is worth the plunge.

It makes me think of where digital music was ten years ago: The technology was there, but the licensing wasn’t. There were MP3 players (some good, some not-so-good), there were digital music stores, and there was not a particularly large uptake. But those problems were solved, and now (according to my NPR listening, anyway) legal music consumption is up. I really hope book publishers get on the bandwagon soon, though, cuz they have everything to gain.

I went with a Nook instead of Amazon’s kindle for a few reasons. First, the Nook allows you to take out books from participating libraries, including Chicago Public Libraries. Unfortunately, the book selection isn’t great – and Amazon has said “Kindle will do that too in the coming months! – so it’s not as big of a deal as it seemed when I bought the Nook,  but whatever. Likewise, the Nook allows out-of-the-book loading of books purchased from Google Books, which will let me buy things through my local feminist bookstore’s online store front and support them. You can do the same with the Kindle, but it requires jumping through questionably legal hoops. Paula, the friend from DC, has a Nook, and she can lend me books through Barnes and Noble’s lending feature. Finally, and perhaps most importantly, the Nook was $99 at Woot, and I couldn’t find a Kindle that inexpensive. The biggest visible difference of the Nook versus the Kindle is that the former has a color touch screen along the bottom, while the latter has a bunch of physical buttons, and then the Nook uses Barnes and Noble to buy books while the Kindle uses Amazon.

So what do I think? Well, about a week in I’m loving the experience of reading on the Nook. E-ink is pretty awesome, and – for me, at least – suitably replicates the experience of actually looking at a physical page. It almost looks ‘fake,’ like it’s a demo unit at a store and not an actual piece of technology that has a display that clean and smooth. The page turning time – a brief flash while the next page loads – bugged me at first, but really isn’t any longer than physically turning a page in a book. I also like that you can turn pages with the buttons along the right or left side, or swipe along the touch screen in a really satisfying manner. (The touch screen, BTW, automatically turns off while reading so you’re not distracted by the menu.)

Lets use that as an opportunity to talk about the touch screen, though. I like the idea: E-ink doesn’t update instantaneously like LCD screens; there’s a visible refresh. So for navigating menus, it’s definitely nice to have something that responds the second you make a selection. Or would, if it were a better system. I’m not sure if it’s a hardware or software issue, but the touch screen response isn’t perfect. Not bad, but not quite as nice as – say – my Android phone. I’m pretty sure it’s just the sluggish hardware of the Nook, so I’ve learned to be patient, but it’s not as perfect as I was hoping.

As I said, I’m really enjoying the experience on the whole. But, I have yet to purchase a single e-book from Barnes and Noble or anywhere else. Barnes and Noble offers a bunch of free classics, which is nice, but I’ll also be honest enough to admit I reached into the darker corners of the Internet and found huge repositories of still-in-copyright e-books, free for the downloading. (I’ll briefly discuss my views on copyright infringement at the end of this post, but suffice it to say I sleep fine at night.) To manage my plethora of books, I’m using Calibre, a free e-book management software, sort of like iTunes but for e-books. It automatically works with the Nook (and Kindle, I think?) to transfer DRM-free files to and from the hardware.

Book management on the Nook is…OK. The Nook itself delineates B&N downloaded books from ‘sideloaded‘ books for some reason, but it’s not a big deal. You just need to remember if you loaded something manually, or downloaded it from B&N. The Nook’s recent software update allows for storing books on ‘shelves,’ but – alas –  you need to do all management manually, on the questionable little touch screen. So if you’re sideloading, say, dozens and dozens of books (let alone hundreds or the 3,500 the Nook claims it can hold with its on-board memory) you’re kind of SOL. Hopefully the next update will fix this problem. Likewise, if you sort books by title, you can see how far into a book you are (“On page X of Y”) but if you sort by author, the same info doesn’t show up. I prefer sorting by author, but would also like to see the amount I’ve read, in case I leave a book and want to return.

I’ve also been loving the ability to download any of trans fiction or shitty fan fiction I find online, and read it in bed on something other than my backlit laptop or phone screen. It’s a really nice experience.

But why haven’t I purchased any e-books?

Well, I’m honestly not sure how soon that’ll happen. Calibre can – with some outside plugin support – remove any DRM from downloaded files, which is a big part of my problem. I’m hesitant to pay for something that can be revoked at a moment’s notice. And I also have issues with e-book pricing, as they’re often not that much cheaper than the physical book. If, say, buying the physical book provided free ebooks, I’d jump at the chance and probably up my book purchases significantly. But I’m hesitant to pay almost as much for something that feels much more ephemeral, even though I’ve acknowledging the reading experience is very pleasant.

So…I would recommend a Nook, but with hesitations. First, I’d make sure anyone not tech savy plays with it before use. The interface is fine, but not amazing. And I’d do research on book prices: is what you want available as an e-book? Are you comfortable – technologically and morally – downloading books illegally? Do you read enough online fiction for it to be attractive to load it to a portable device? And so on. If you’re in the same basic ballpark as me – you love reading, read lots on and offline, are comfortable downloading books, and so on – then go for it. I won’t be buying many e-books in the near future, but I’m pretty convinced the issue is (much like with digital music for many years) price and restrictions, not the concept itself. If, on the other hand, any type of book reading technology strikes you as a crime against literature, and/or you’re not comfortable with the tech end, then steer clear.

Some Mini Book Reviews

The awesome part of having downloaded a shit-ton of books is I have read more books in the last week than I usually do. Here are some very brief reviews:

The Boy in the Stiped Pyjamas – John Boyne
Read this book. This look at the Holocaust from the perspective of a 9 year old son of a Nazi soldier, is AMAZING! There’s no explicit descriptions of anything  painful, because everything is seen through Bruno’s naive eyes. A hard book to read, definitely, but worth every page.

The Graveyard Book – Neil Gaiman
I love Gaiman. This young adult’s book, about a boy whose family is killed and ends up raised by ghosts in a graveyard, finished a little weak for me but was lots of fun and is worth reading.

Shit My Dad Says – Justin Halpern
Amusing. Not mind-blowing, but a good going-to-bed read, about ridiculous stuff Halpern’s dad says (just what it says on the title).

The Year of Living Biblically – A. J. Jacobs
The author, a secular agnostic Jew who I was predisposed to like, decides to spend a year following the rules in the Bible. All of them. His exploration – involving lots of self reflection, discussion with rabbis/priests/scholars, and facial hair, was really enjoyable. It gave my secular agnostic Jewish self things to think about in terms of what Biblical tenants are worth following, and why.

The Bedwetter: Stories of Courage, Redemption, and Pee – Sarah Silverman
I like Silverman, and this autobiography as lots of fun. I generally don’t think she’s  consistently hilarious, and this book was not cover-to-cover amazing, but her humor makes it worth reading through.

The Scholarship – Julie O.
Trans fiction! Read on a delightful e-ink screen! While going to bed! Not as long as I was hoping (like so many good trans fiction pieces out there) but enjoyable none the less. About a high schooler who is forced-slash-chooses to go to school as a girl. I was skeptical of the premise, but everything turns out OK, and it’s pretty well written. Not a long read, but enjoyable nonetheless.

I Said I’d Talk About Copyright

Here’s my view. Copyright is not an inalienable right. Coming up with an idea does not, in and of itself, mean you get control over that idea. Copyright is a societal deal, a social contract, saying “We’re giving you control for X number of years. In exchange, when that time is up, we can do whatever the hell we want with your idea.” The deal is that we’ll give you control now, in exchange for a lack of control later. The alternative is that there’s no control, and sending an idea into the ether means that anyone can instantaneously do whatever the hell they want with it: repackage it, resell it, rewrite it, whatever.

As an artist and content creature, I’m in favor of this system, in theory. I think everyone wins from a good copyright system: content creatures get control over their material for long enough to make some money, and society will eventually get free reign over the material once it becomes part of a larger cultural experience.

Good examples: Most Disney animated movies come from out-of-copyright (public domain) stories, and the world is (mostly…) the better for it. The recent Jane Eyre movie could be made because the story was in the public domain.

Where things get hairy, though, is the definition of “eventually.” How long should copyright last? The Constitution originally said (if I remember correctly) 14 years, with the option to extend to 28. The current (U.S.) copyright length is the life of the author plus 70 years.

I’m of the opinion that’s bullshit. Disney et al were able to pillage the public domain, but don’t have to give anything back? That’s not fair! The whole purpose of copyright is to make a deal about control versus public access. I’m of the opinion that a ~25 year copyright still serves that purpose, while also guaranteeing that works will eventually make it back into the public domain. The content creator has 25 years to make money, society has the rest of eternity to benefit. (Imagine how poorer society would be without public domain music and stories! Everything from before 1923! If that was as strictly controlled as newly produced works, how sad!)

So, in my opinion, the publishers and distributors broke their end of the bargain. Copyright is supposed to be limited, but it’s now effectively unlimited Disney and others keep going back to congress to push copyright lengths further and further away, meaning we have to wait indefinite amounts of time for our cultural right to these works. So, if they’re gaming the system from the congressional end, I’m going to game the system from the digital end.

That’s why I feel minimal guilt about illegally downloading books/movies/music/etc. While I try to support smaller artists, or even larger artists who I feel a specific connection to, my attitude really boils down to “They (big media) aren’t holding up their end of the deal in respecting copyright as a limited right, so I’m not going to hold up my end of the deal by respecting copyright, either.”

So there.

Yes, the packaging is kinda stupid.

My last two sex toy reviews were, alas, of sub-par products. Too expensive, too loud, too battery-eating, too ridiculous. But at last, with the Bum Buddies Tease My Tush (hereafter referred to as the BB) I think we have a winner!

I gotta say, I was skeptical when the BB arrived at my doorstep. The name, the packaging, the color – none filled me with a sense of confidence. (Not that “confidence” is what a sex toy should fill you with, ifyouknowwhatimean.) But the MSRP, $16-18, isn’t too bad and – unlike some other toys I’ve tested – the front and back oft he packaging note that it’s made of silicone, is phthalate free, can be cleaned with soap and water and/or boiled and/or placed on the top rack of the dishwasher. (My roommates have yet to let me do that last one…)

So while the color and packaging were kinda silly, the actual information on the packaging was reassuring. Imagine that! And the package was easy to open!

The BB feels nice and silicone-y to the touch. You can see the small manufacturing seam running down the middle if you look, but it seems to be pretty well made and I wasn’t worried about it falling apart. Honestly, I was more worried about not feeling a thing, or having it slip out right away. But, thinking happy thoughts, I lubed up and got to work.

Sex toy lineup

The BB slipped right in, with the rounded tip making for easy insertion. The…I dunno, flange? Nub? Rib? Is there a sex toy linguist in the house? The flared bit near the base was also easy to insert, and the wide base (CRUCIAL FOR ANAL TOYS UNLESS YOU WANT TO GO TO THE HOSPITAL) did – as the package promised – “fit comfortably between [my] cheeks.

The BB comes in three sizes, Beginner, Intermediate, and (presumably) XTREEEM. (Or maybe just Large. Or Skilled. Anal Princess, perhaps?) I received a Beginner, the smallest size, and wondered before I began if my tush needed more material in a sex toy for adequate teasing.

Fortunately, my tush WAS adequately teased with the beginner Bum Buddy! I’d love to get my hands on a larger size, but it was actually yummy having a successfully non-slipping toy for use with sex play. Go Bum Buddy!

This review seems pretty short, because I have mostly good things to say. The package is silly, the color isn’t my favorite, but the price and the toy itself were both great. So I’d definitely recommend this toy, for novice and more experience anal players alike. If you know you only like really big things teasing your tush, it probably won’t do much for you. But if, like myself, you’re fine with a smaller tush teasing experience (and for under $20) this toy seems pretty hard to beat.

(Hard to beat. Get it? It’s a masturbation joke. Hard to…oh, nevermind.)

And, of course, if you’re going to purchase this or any other sex toy, go to Early to Bed, provider of this test Bum Buddy, to shop. (Thanks ETB!) Now go have some (safe) fun!

Alas, my experience with the Amante Remote Control Egg wasn’t quite so exciting, but still provided good fun. Read on for the full review!

Pretty, aint it?

Unlike the Luxe Magic Massager, the Amante actually looks like something you might want to put near your genitals. It’s packaged in a nice, easy-to-open box, and comes with adequate instructions for use. Both the remote and the vibrator are pleasant to hold, and the vibrator itself is made of medical grade silicon, meaning it’s easier to clean and safe to use on your fun bits. The remote is molded plastic, nothing too impressive. All in all, my roommate described the set as “the Macbook of vibrators.” And, indeed, it really is a cute little product, not at all scary or intimidating.

The remote has two buttons, one for power and one to change the settings. There are seven settings, including different power levels, pulsations, and riseing-and-falling vibrations – there’s sure to be something you’ll like.

After extensive testing (meaning me and my roommate going to the opposite ends of the hall, holding the vibrator, and yelling “Is it still working?!”) we determined the range when the vibrator isn’t – ahem – inserted into anyone to be about twenty feet. Holding it under an armpit, to get some flesh between the vibrator and the remote, brought the range down closer to 10. Not overwhelming, but certainly enough to use in a public place.

Which brings me to the biggest question I got from friends when explaining my latest toy to review: “Why would you want a remote control vibrator?”

I think the video at the top of this post gives the best-case scenario: a remote control vibrator is intended to allow for public or semi-public sexual activities, ranging from restaurants (perhaps at the “most public” end of the scale) to walking the dog together or sitting on a front porch (at the “least public but still kinda public” end of things). You could even just use it at dinner, in the privacy of your own home, allowing for surprising your partner without embarassing them in public.

It's like the iPod of vibrators

But any of those require a certain kink, either exhibitionism on the part of the vibratee, or voyeurism on the part of the vibrator. For this specific toy, they also require a very specific vaginal anatomy.

See the tail on the vibrator? (The part that made my roommate squeal “It’s like a mouse!” when it vibrated in her hand?) That’s supposed to be left outside the body when the vibrator is inserted, for easy retrieval. Ignoring the fact that it feels like it’ll break (it didn’t, and I think it’s stronger than it seems) it means there’s no real control of where the vibrator goes, or where it vibrates, once it’s inside.

Whether or not you’re interested in exhibitionism or voyeurism, vibrating panties at least allow for centering the vibration over your clit. The partner I tried this with said that it was an interesting sensation while inside of her, but more like a vibrating tampon or weird tickling than anything particularly sexual. (I, on the other hand, must admit I had lots of fun making her jump by using the remote without first alerting her.)

That said, it actually worked alright for me – not having a vagina – by positioning it in my underwear right along my perineum. (That is to say, my taint.) And by “worked alright” I mean it did succeed in turning me on. It’d never get me off, but it was an interesting and fun sensation.

I did, however, put the ‘waterproof’ claim of this toy to a full test. It worked fine inside of my partner (wouldn’t be much use if it didn’t) but also survived a bubble bath with me, suffering no ill effects.

So who is this toy for?

I really want to recommend this toy for everyone. It’s the prettiest sex toy I own, by far, and seems to be the most well designed, too. In fact, the only functional aspect I have to complain about is the included batteries wore down really fast. But it comes with an $85 price tag… Which means if you’re simply looking for a waterproof vibrator, Early to Bed has lots, and for less than $85. Likewise for bullets, including a number of silicone toys. (Which, remember, are safer and easier to clean.) And the Amante isn’t an ideal bath toy because the remote itself isn’t waterproof. (Though I suppose you could put it in a ziplock bag or something, and hope for the best.) And it doesn’t provide ideal stimulation in its intended role, unless you know your vag is really sensitive to vibrations.

So, I ask again, who is this toy for?

This toy is for someone who knows they want an insert-able bullet vibrator that can be remotely controlled by their partner. For that (presumably small) population, the Amante absolutely could not be designed better. (Well, maybe the remote could be waterproof, but that’d probably drive up the price.) Is the Amante worth $85 to that population? I think so. Looking at comparably priced non-remote vibrators, the Amante seems to be in the same ballpark on features, design, and silicone safety. Would I recommend it to friends? No, unless they were sure they wanted it for its intended purpose. If they did, I’d recommend it without hesitation.

Thanks to Early to Bed for  the Amante, and happy sexing!

I’d do a big lead up to what I think of the game, but it’s really not worth it: This game is tons of fun. It combines the best of the NES versions of Mario (particularly drawing a lot from Mario 3) as well as the SNES Super Mario World (SMW). In fact, I’d rate it only slightly behind Super Mario World, my all-time favorite Mario game, in terms of fun and difficulty.

One of the things that is nice about this game is, unlike some of the old school Mario games, it feels very surmountable. There are tons of secrets, hidden paths, and extra stuff to get, but simply getting through each level rarely feels like a chore or like the designers have it in for you as the player. Part of the reason it doesn’t quite reach SMW for me is because of those secrets, though. I loved SMW’s tons and tons of alternate paths and hidden worlds, and while the NSBMW has quite a few, it doesn’t seem to match the sheer volume of secrets to be found on the SNES.

Another big thing is the multiplayer. The DS version was able to provide competitive multiplayer, with multiple DS systems, but this allows you to partner with friends to make your way through the main game. It’s up to you whether  you’re out to help or hinder each other, though.

All in all, you should probably already know if you want this game. Love 2D Mario games? This is for you. Hate 2D Mario? Avoid this game. (Also, what the hell is wrong with you?!)

The Force Unleashed, meanwhile, is a game I’m borrowing from a friend. It’s a Star Wars game set between Episodes III and IV, in which you take the role of Darth Vadar’s apprentice and dark side your way through the galaxy. I’m really torn on this game. On the one hand, it’s actually tons of fun. Smashing your way through good and bad guys alike, choking people, shooting ‘em with lightening… This game promises you’ll get to whoop ass as a dark side master, and it lives up to that promise. It’s exactly what it says on the tin: tons of lightsaber battles and force attacks.

That said, the story is kind of ridiculous, and the game falls under an “Everything looks like a nail if all you have is a hammer” type gameplay. Basically, there are quite a few levels where your tasks seem reasonable, but it’s absurd you’re going out alone as a force-wielder, instead of USING THE FUCKING SHIP YOU HAVE to make things easier. Likewise, while I’m all for filling in gaps in the Star Wars mythos, I’m unconvinced that the things happening in this game were just magically forgotten by characters later in the trilogy.

As a $40 game, or even a $20 game, I’d be hesitant to recommend this. But it looks like it’s under $15 at Amazon right now, which is a price point you can probably buy this without feeling too guilty. (It’s also pretty clear from the previews that the Wii version is quite a bit uglier than the 360 and PS3 versions, but that’s – unfortunately – to be expected.)

Luxe Magic Massager, in all is luxe-ious glory.

My first impression of the Luxe Magic Massager didn’t blow me away. The packaging is certainly functional, but the picture on the front is slightly out of focus and the back contains clinical language about not using on “inflamed areas or skin lacerations” and a 30-day warranty which requires sending in a $12 money order for processing. The back also says “SOLD AS A NOVELTY ONLY,” which means the manufacturer is able to dodge laws restricting the sale of sex toys but, more importantly, is able to dodge listing the contents of the product. (And, sure enough, while the Luxe is “Assembled in the U.S. with pride,” it was made in China.)

Indeed, e2b recommends basically any soft-material sex toy other than silicone be used with a condom. Alas, the Luxe doesn’t say this on the box, so I’m saying it now: if you’re using this (or any other “novelty” toy), or are unsure of the toy’s material, use a condom! I’ll be honest, I’m a little less worried about this particular toy, because it won’t be going inside me or used on any skin with porous membranes, but for anal play I only use toys with condoms or well-washed silicone. (And now I’ll get off my soap box and on to the actual review!)

The box itself contains the Luxe Magic Massager, two alternate heads, and nothing else. No suggestions for use, friendly tips, or instructions. This became an issue pretty quickly, because the battery compartment is fucking hard to get open. I like to think of myself as a pretty capable gal, but after about five minutes of struggling, I did the unthinkable: I asked my roommate for help. He laughed, asked if I was serious, and then was also unable to get the battery compartment open! (We were ultimately successful with a simultaneous ‘twist and pull’ method. Which, I’m told, is pretty good for some other activities in bed, too. Do with that information what you will.)

Pushing the top “pulsation” button lights up the first light and provides some serious vibration. I have to give Luxe a little credit – the box says it’s “the most powerful mini massager ever made” and it definitely packs a punch. Each push of the “pulsation” button provides a different “vibration pattern” and lights up the appropriate number. Except there’s no instructions anywhere on what each pattern is, so you have to sort of figure it out for yourself. Here’s what I found, using a modified Morse code. Key: “.” is a short pulse, “-” is a longer vibration, and a string of two or more dashes (“–” or “—” or so on) is even longer. These aren’t exact counts, just the general pattern.

1. - – - – - – - -
2. – — – — –
3. - – . ——-
4. – — . ——-
5. . . . . . . . . .
6. - – - – - – - – (a tiny bit shorter than the pulses on #1, but barely)
7. . . . . . —–
8. . . . . . . – —–
9. (A steady vibration, but with increasing and decreasing intensity)
10. - – —- ——-
11. - – . ——– (I can’t tell the between this and #3)
12. ————-

The Luxe also comes with three detachable heads, visible here:

Vibrator attachments, with lights visible

To be honest, the first thing I did after going through all the settings (and marking which was which) was put it on #12 and try it on my back and neck. To be honest, it felt good! It’s not a big “novelty toy,” but it really does vibrate strongly. (Admittedly, this is with new batteries. Dunno how they’ll last. ::shrug::) As a result of the strong vibration, this vibrator is NOT QUIET! Dunno if that matters to you (it doesn’t really to me) but keep it in mind. When I set it on my bed and listened from outside the room, I could hear it. (Though I couldn’t once it was under the covers and I had my air filter on.)

Other thoughts before diving in to actual sex toy use… The neck of the toy is flexible, which is nice. It’s not just a solid, rigid body. It’s a nice size, with easy to reach controls, and I don’t think they’re big enough to accidentally hit during use. The head with the proboscis looks hilarious when vibrating freely:

It looks like it’s allliiiiiivveeee!

So, half a dozen paragraphs into this review, I finally climbed into bed and gave it a try. I got myself a bit warmed up – so to speak – and grabbed the Luxe. As I said earlier, it’s loud. But it vibrates pretty strongly, much stronger than any of my other vibrators. To be honest, it was a little strong to put fully and directly on my penis. She’s been crazy sensitive lately (estrogen will do that) but using gentle pressure, so the full vibration wasn’t unleashed, was real yummy.

And, I have a confession to make: the different settings were really fun to play with. I went into this review assuming they were really stupid, and that there were too many for any practical use. I’m still not convinced this needed all twelve settings, but I’ve been experimenting with at least half of ‘em regularly. Specifically, I’ve enjoyed the surprise that comes with changing things up going from setting to setting. The long stretches were a bit much (as I said, strong vibration) but this vibrator will absolutely not let you fall into a boring pattern or be lulled into complacency.

Concerning the attachments, I didn’t make much use of ‘em. Since I felt overwhelmed applying strong, direct pressure with the Luxe, I didn’t find a huge difference between “rounded and rubbery” versus “ridged and rubbery” versus “alien proboscis.” Using the first two on my nipples did have a positive effect – the ridges were a fun sensation – but not enough to really enough to justify the attachments.

But all in all, I spent 3/4 of this review talking about everything but how the Luxe felt: packaging, “novelty items,” volume, Morse code. With a suggested retail price of $60, I think that’s a pretty poor ratio for how much background info I felt was useful to how fun the actual toy was. I think the Luxe Personal Massager would be pretty easy to recommend at $20. At $30, I’d say go for it if you like strong direct vibration, really want something battery operated, and are OK with a “novelty toy.” But $60 buys a lot of vibrators. Check out Early to Bed’s selection, with at least as many (if not more) under $60 as over. And I can’t really recommend you spend  your $60 on the Luxe Personal Massager.

Thanks again for Early to Bed for this review item, and be sure to check out their awesome selection of toys and more!

Galcon

Just got Galcon on my Android phone to tide me over while I’m traveling this week. (And am currently playing it instead of, y’know, memorizing my lines or prepping for my show…)

It’s a pretty great game, described by Penny Arcade as “Space Risk in Real Time.” That is, you’re trying to take and hold planets by moving armies around. There are no dice rolls – it’s a pure numbers game – and the bigger your planets are the faster you generate new armies.

At an easy $2.99, available for iPhone and (in a larger edition) for computer) I highly recommend it.