1. Cut open my penis.
2. Remove the spongey erectile tissue. Make sure to leave the nerves and blood supply intact! We’ll need those!
3. Invert all that stuff up into my pelvic cavity.
4. Use that tissue and blood supply to make me a brand new clit.
5. Shorten my urethra – won’t be standing up to pee anymore!
6. Take the extra scrotal tissue and shape me a good labia.

Perfect! Now that’s what I want to see when I look in the mirror.Vaginoplasty, the surgery described above and what most people mean when they say “gender reassignment surgery,” is terrifying. My cock is a sensitive thing, even more so since going on hormones and getting more in touch with my sexual self. Even if I’ll be under anesthesia, the idea of all that happening to me – the cutting and the slicing and the moving about – is scary. Terrifying, even. Violent. Bloody-sounding. The type of thing out of a horror movie, not a consensual and desired and medically-accepted surgery.

We pretend surgery isn’t violent. That knife-to-flesh is an act of healing, of care. We need to, to get through it. I need to, anyway. And I will admit that surgery is controlled. When it’s done right, it’s not messy. But cutting and blood and pain and recovery necessitates an act  of violence. To recover, to have recovery time, means that there is something to recover from. The scars on my stomach, from my gallbladder removal, are the result of an act of violence. Pain-relieving, potentially life-saving (had the infection spread), and absolutely necessary violence.

The Surgery requires about a week in the hospital – a week, in this day and age of outpatient surgery – and months of post-op recovery. It costs tens of thousands of dollars, plus travel and assorted fees and random expenses. There’s a possibility, albiet a very small one,  that Il’l never be able to orgasm again. I know the general consensus – from among surgeons, post-op trans women, and my therapist – is that the ability orgasm is extremely common with modern surgery, and even more likely if the woman is orgasmic and actively sexual pre-surgery (which I am).

But still, the possibility of never being able to cum ever again, and paying twenty thousand dollars for the privilege?

So why am I doing this? Why am I researching surgeons, with the hope and intent of having The Surgery in the next 12-18 months? What the hell am I thinking?

I hate the cliches surrounding The Surgery: That it makes trans women feel complete. Whole. Like themselves. At home in their body. All the things you hear on talk shows and newscasts and radio and best-selling tell-alls.

And yet, for all the pride I take in my ability to use words to communicate how I feel, I’m struggling to come up with a better justification or explanation for why I’m planning to have The Surgery. Gender reassignment surgery. A vaginoplasty. To have my cock turned inside out, and become a cunt. I’ll go into a magical sleep, the vagina fairy will fly through the window, and I’ll wake up with an innie instead of an outie.

In some ways, it’s a logical and natural continuation down the path I’ve been traveling: hair removal and hormones and growing my hair out and makeup and dresses and presenting (and usually being perceived as) a “real” girl. Perhaps the question I should be asking is “Why wouldn’t I want The Surgery?”

(I want to take a moment to clarify that I do not think all trans people “should” or need to have any sort of surgery or medical intervention to be trans or to be happy or to be “real” men, women, or anything else. I am speaking only of my own experience, and my own journey.)

What frustrates me is that there’s something of an inability to fully feel something if you can’t express the feeling. George Orwell knew this:

In the end we shall make thoughtcrime literally impossible, because there will be no words in which to express it.

Language matters.

Lets try this: I want surgery because….

• …when I imagine my idealized or ideal body, I imagine it with a vagina and not a penis.
• …I want to feel someone, something, myself, you, us inside my cunt.
• …I want to be able to wear tight clothing and bathing suits and dresses without resorting to tucking.
• …it would make me feel less different from other girls.

(Yes, I know that last sentence is problematic. Some of my favorite “other girls” in my life have cocks, too. But I’m trying to be honest with this list, even if my emotions or desires don’t always match my politics, and not self-censor.

Perhaps we use such cliches – at home in my own body, whole, complete – because language simply fails us. Difficult as it is to contemplate, maybe I don’t have the words to explain or justify why I want The Surgery.

But there is beauty in transformation. Flowers, butterflies, the changing of the seasons, growth and strength, the rush of blood and tightening of flesh. Of making myself who I am. Chipping away at rock until the final sculpture is made clear.  Hopefully I’m going in the right direction.

I think I am.

During the workshop, however, something came up that I had not previously considered. Specifically, someone asked about how trans youth are (medically) treated. I said that it varies, but that there’s an increasing use of hormone blockers to delay puberty. This allows a twelve or thirteen year old to age a few years and – hopefully – be able to make a more informed decision about transitioning. In my I-am-not-a-doctor opinion, it’s a good compromise: simply doing nothing can result in spending thousands of dollars to undo puberty, but launching fully into hormone replacement therapy opens the door to a twelve year old realizing they weren’t really trans at thirteen or fourteen.

Ultimately, I said to the questioner, there isn’t a perfect solution. Once a child realizes they’re trans, it’s a matter of picking the best choice from some bad options. Which, to be very clear, doesn’t mean that being trans condemns an individual to a life of misery. But it does, as far as I can see, necessitate some tough decisions and a difficult journey.

The questioner then posed something that has been bouncing around my brain this past week: Could allowing fifteen and sixteen year olds to be making informed consent decisions about their healthcare lead to the criminal justice system saying they were able to make informed decisions about crimes, and should thus be tried as adults?

I don’t think she was talking specifically about trans youth committing crimes, but looking at things from a more general question angle. That is, how do we as a society determine in which areas teens are able to make life decisions, and in which they’re not?

For the record, I am very against youth being tried as adults or sentenced to death.[1] At the same time, I do think teens should have some say over their healthcare. In particular, I know what my decision would have been had someone asked, “Do you want to go through puberty as a boy, or wait a bit and go through it as a girl?” There wouldn’t have been any question in my mind. But how do we – or can we – distinguish those areas of judgement?

The first thing that leaps to mind is the difference between “this decision impacts myself” and “this decision impacts others.” Transitioning, at its core, is about changing the self. Crime, at its core, is about impacting others. Which is really why crimes are, well, crimes.[2] So there’s a difference between a teen saying “I know enough about myself and my actions to change my body” and society saying “a teen knows enough about how their actions will impact others externally, so their crime should result in prosecution as an adult.”

But I know it’s not that simple. I can – looking back – say with 100% certainty, “I wish I had transitioned earlier, and I really wish I hadn’t gone through  puberty in the first place.” I know lots of trans people who would say the same thing. At the same time, as an educator who works with teens, it’s scary to think of a student of mine (let alone a child of mine) making such big decisions. Kids’ identities change so much from day to day, that – as an adult – believing something can be that constant feels like a leap of faith.

I suspect that one’s sense of gender, however, is fundamental enough and develops early enough for most people that – by fourteen or fifteen – they do know who they are. Or, at least, they can. Even if they don’t know how they’re going to express themselves, who they’re going to sleep with, what they want to do when they grow up. They can know who they are.

We can know who we are.

[1] – I’m also against the death penalty, period, but that’s only tangentially related to this topic.
[2] – This is why, in my opinion, drugs and prostitution should be legal, regulated, and safe.

I really transitioned to get into bars for free, without having to pay cover.

I really transitioned because I heard there weren’t enough women in science, and I wanted to do my part.

I really transitioned so I could drink sweet pink drinks at bars without being judged.

I really transitioned because when I paint my toes pink, I want to be a boy with pink toenails!

I really transitioned so I could wear tight pants all the time without looking like a member of an 80′s rock band.

I really transitioned because I wanted to save on car insurance.

I really transitioned because the clothes are *way* better (so i still wear BDUs and t-shirts most of the time)

I really transitioned because I was born on Stonewall Day.

Thank you for joining the Cocks of Love team! Through your contribution of time and energy, we are able to offer our award-winning service to transgender and transsexual (trans) clients around the globe. In this time of economic downturn, our services are more important than ever.

What we Do

Cocks of Love is a public non-profit organization that provides body parts to financially disadvantaged trans individuals suffering from misaligned physical development for any reason. We meet a unique need for trans clients by using donated body parts to create the highest quality replacement body components

Our mission is to provide a sense of self, confidence, and normalcy to transgender and transsexual individuals by providing proper body parts for physical completeness. Our clients receive body parts free of charge or on a sliding scale, based on needs.

Our Process

Take two hypothetical clients: John and Jane. John is a trans man. He has breasts, a vagina, and reproductive organs he will not be using. Jane is a trans woman. She has body hair, muscle mass, and a penis she will not using. Cocks of Love allows us to match John and Jane and provide expert medical care for the safe and lasting swap of unwanted body parts. John ends up with the cock he’s always wanted, and Jane sports her new breasts with pride.

Frequently Asked Questions

Q. Where do I go for my body part swap?
A. Cocks of Love works with a network of healthcare providers to provide the highest quality of service. When you are ready for your body part swap, contact Cocks of Love and we will discuss the next steps.

Q. What body parts can I swap or donate?
A. As every client is different, we do not maintain a comprehensive list of swap-able body parts. Past clients have swapped body hair, muscle mass, penis, vagina, breasts, buttocks, vocal cords, and more.

Q. Is my body part swap or  donation tax deductible?
A. Please check with your tax preparer. We cannot  place a monetary value on a body part.

Q. If I send in pictures, will you post them on your website?
A. We do update our donor gallery from time to time, but cannot guarantee that all the pictures we receive will be posted. We also use photos in our newsletters and post them around our office.

Q. Do you help both men and women?
A. We do not limit our clients’ gender identity. As such, we accept clients regardless of whether they identify as male, female, genderqueer, or otherwise.

And a short-but-adorable video:

In other news, the original video from Taylor has been taken down. A troop in Louisiana disbanded, even though the trans scout was in Colorado. The latest response I can find from the Scouts is still that “If a child identifies as a girl and the child’s family presents her as a girl, Girl Scouts of Colorado welcomes her as a Girl Scout.”

Exclusions. Covered expenses of the Plan shall not include … procedures, treatments, equipment, transplants, or implants, any of which are … for, or resulting from, a gender transformation operation. – 215 Illinois Compiled Statutes 105 – Comprehensive Health Insurance Plan Act

It’s unclear whether the State of Illinois has defined – through statute or the courts – what specifically “gender transformation operation” means. But it seems pretty safe to assume that the surgery I’m currently considering would fall under its purview. Surgery in which the “spongiform erectile tissue of the penis is removed, and the skin, with its nerves and vascular system (blood supply) still attached, is used to create a vestibule area and labia minora, which then are inverted into the neovaginal cavity created in the pelvic tissue.” That seems pretty gender transformative to me.

What’s interesting about the Illinois Comprehensive Health Insurance Plan Act (or the ICHIP Act) is what other injuries, procedures, and categories of coverage are excluded.  Gender transformation operations (item 14.iv on the list of exclusions) is lumped in with cosmetic surgery (item 1), anything which exceeds “reasonable or customary” cost (item 4), injury due to war (item 9) , services that are “not provided in accord with generally accepted standards of current medical practice” (item 14), contraceptives (item 19), weight loss programs (item 21), acupuncture (22). Interestingly enough, the act itself does not, as best as I could find, mention abortion or early termination of a pregnancy, but the ICHIP website stil says such services are excluded.

And then there’s my favorite exclusion. Item thirteen. “Blank.” The item isn’t actually blank, but the text reads open-parentheses-b-l-a-n-k-close-parentheses. Blank. I’m assuming there was an item thirteen, but it was removed by some later amendment I’ve been unable to find. Either that or the Illinois State Legislature was worried about the superstitious ramifications of having an exclusion number thirteen. But that seems unlikely, because there is a benefit item number thirteen (diagnostic x?rays and laboratory tests). The ways of government legislatures are opaque and confusing.

As far as I can tell, gender reassignment surgery (or gender transformation operation, or sex change, or whatever you want to call it) is the only accepted standard of medical practice (to use the ICHIP ACT language) explicitly excluded. Nowhere else did the Illinois Legislature say, “Doctors recommend this treatment. There are safe and reasonable guidelines for its use. It has been shown to be beneficial to patients. But there’s no way in hell we’re going to pay for it.”

Because the Illinois State Legislature is obviously the best-equipped body to decide medical coverage and treatment.

Dear Taylor,

I wish we could sit down and talk. I’d like to think you would be willing to have a conversation with someone who honestly wants to find common ground. I’ve watched your video, and it really moved me. You delivered your message with skill, grace, and emotion – I wish my high school students were as comfortable speaking in front of an audience as you clearly are.

That said, a lot of what was in your video was hurtful to me. I’m not sure if you meant to hurt my feelings, or the feelings of people like me, but your video was painful for me to see. Because I’m a transgender woman. That means that I was born in the body of a boy, but realized I was actually a girl. I’ve been on hormones for a few years now, to help my body match my mind. And a lot of the things you said about what it means to be transgender didn’t match my experience, or the experience of other trans people I know.

Since watching your video, I’ve been researching the Girl Scouts, and I’d like to print the Girl Scout Law, which I found here. I admit I don’t know a lot about Scouting, but I think The Girl Scout Law is a good place to start what I hope can be a conversation between you and I:

I will do my best to be
honest and fair,
friendly and helpful,
considerate and caring,
courageous and strong, and
responsible for what I say and do,
and to
respect myself and others,
respect authority,
use resources wisely,
make the world a better place, and
be a sister to every Girl Scout.

That’s a pretty good code of conduct to try and live by. I’m sure not every Girl Scout lives up to every bit, one hundred percent of the time, but I’m sure you try. I’d like to think that I’m honest and fair, friendly and helpful, and all the other positive qualities in the Girl Scout Law.

I don’t think your video was honest and fair, Taylor.

Transgender stuff can be confusing. Believe me, I know. But you got a few things wrong in your video, and I’d like to help correct them. I think it would make your video more honest and fair. Lets start with one of your video overlays. It’s near the beginning, and the text on your video said “Transgender Girl Scout = boy who wants to be a girl.”

I’m afraid that’s not what it means to be transgender. The simplest way to put it, although it’s really more complicated, is that our gender – what makes us a boy or a girl – is in our head, not between our legs. You aren’t a girl because of what’s between your legs. Neither am I. You’re a girl because you know you are one. That would be true if you had long hair or short, wore pants or dresses, painted your nails or played in the mud. Or did some of those things one day, and something else on another.

Likewise, I’m a girl because I know I am one. It’s a little more complicated for me, since what is between my legs doesn’t match what most people expect when they think ‘girl.’ But part of being respectful of others – something else the Girl Scout Law mentions – is letting every person decide for themselves who they are. I would never say that you need to enjoy playing with dolls, or be good at basketball, or know how to sail a boat. I don’t get to decide who you are; you get to decide that.

But that also means that you don’t get to decide who I am. What kind of books I like to read, who my friends are, or whether I’m a boy or a girl. No matter what I look like or sound like or anything. No one but me gets to decide whether I’m a boy or a girl.

And so when your video asked, in overlay text, “Is it safe to hide boys in Girl Scouts?” I didn’t really understand who was hiding. Because a transgender girl – like the one welcomed into a Colorado troupe – is a girl just like any other Scout. And to reject her, or any other girl, doesn’t seem very friendly or sisterly (two more qualities the Girl Scout Law emphasizes).

Your video also talks about safety, and that’s a very important issue. No Girl Scout – or anyone else – should ever be forced into a situation where they are unsafe. But why would a transgender Girl Scout – someone like me – make you any less safe than any other Girl Scout? To assume I would make you unsafe doesn’t seem respectful, considerate, or caring, three more qualities included in the Girl Scout Law.

Finally, I want to talk to you about Honest Girl Scouts, the organization you mention at the end of your video. Honest Girl Scouts doesn’t seem to follow the Girl Scout Law. It’s not a very nice website. It talks about Girl Scout council’s “entanglements with dubious issues.” Issues like access to informative, safe-sex education. Issues like equality and pride. It looks at all of those issues as bad, and Girl Scouts USA is bad for promoting them. Honest Girl Scouts may be honest, but it’s the honesty of a bully or a mean classmate you thought was a friend.

I hope this letter helped clarify some of the issues you raised in your video. Please let me know if you have any questions, and I wish you nothing but luck as you determine how best to be courageous and speak out for issues you believe in, while still being respectful of others.

Best,

-Rebecca

But for those of you who don’t have the energy to watch eight minutes of anti-trans rhetoric, or in case the video is taken down, here’s a transcript. I was as accurate as possible, and will be responding to the video (and the boycott) itself in a later post. There were text overlays throughout the video, but I included them only when they seem important. The video uses incorrect pronouns throughout.

Hello. I’ve been a Girl Scout for eight years. So why would I ask you to boycott Girl Scout cookies?

One reason is that I have  been taught by Girl Scouts to advocate for my beliefs and to discover, connect, and take action when I see something I want to change in the world.

The problem is what I want to help change is Girl Scouts. Right now, Girl Scouts of the USA (or GSUSA) is not being honest with us girls, its troupes, its leaders, its parents, or the American public. Do you know that in Oct 2011 Girl Scouts admitted that they allow transgender boys from kindergarten through the twelfth grade? In fact, CO Girl Scouts VP for Communications Rachel Trujillo was quoted in an article by Baptist Press. The article, entitled “Girl Scouts Admitting a Boy Draws Backlash,” has Ms Trujillo saying this,

“We accept all girls in kindergarten through 12th grade as members. If a child identifies as a girl, and the child’s family presents her as a girl, Girl Scouts of Colorado welcomes her as a Girl Scout.” [EDIT: I can't find this original article. If anyone can, I'd love to see it.]

That means that as long as a boy wants to be a girl, they’ll let him join based solely on his wishes and desires.

OVERLAY TEXT: “Transgender Girl Scout = boy who wants to be a girl”

Another part of the same article,

‘Councils can make these decisions on a case by case basis,’ Ms Trujillo said. ‘If a child is living as a girl, that’s good enough for us. We don’t require any proof of gender…”

But most disturbing to me and my family, is they also admitted to having already placed transgender boys throughout America without letting anyone know.

OVERLAY TEXT: “Is that honest…?”

Quote:

“Transgender children are currently serving in Girl Scout troops in the US, Trujillo said, although she declined to give details. “There are other councils that have transgendered girls and it’s working out fine,” she said.

So, what’s wrong with that? For one reason, Girl Scouts describes itself as an all girl experience.

OVERLAY TEXT: “Girl Scouts = no male”

With that label, families trust that the girls will be in an environment that is not only nurturing and sensitive to girls’ needs, but also safe for girls.

OVERLAY TEXT: “Is it safe to hide boys in Girl Scouts?”

In fact, the Girl Scout Research Institute has spent many thousands of dollars – dollars we raised for them through cookie sales and donations – making the argument that all-girl groups are important to girls in a publication called ‘Ten Emerging Truths: New Directions for Girls 11-17.”

In Ten Emerging Truths, they argue how important it is for girls to be free from a coed environment in a section called “Truth Number 4: Girls Connecting With Each Other Connects Them To You.” Let me read a couple of lines from this section:

“Among girls 11-17, 92% identified the top advantage of being in an all-girl group is that it allows you to relate to other girls because they are experiencing the same problems as you… You can talk about different things with girls that you just can’t with boys. You can just be yourself and who you are, not something that you’re not.”

They even have a chart on page 18 showing the data from their research, that in all-girl groups it is easier to:

• Relate to other girls
• Talk about issues you can’t talk about in front of boys
• Be yourself
• Look how you want to look

So if Girl Scouts claims they provide an all-girl experience, but then they admit boys without letting girls and their parents know about it, isn’t that deceptive?

OVERLAY: “Where do transgender boys sleep on overnights? Which bathrooms do they use?”

More importantly, for  years, Girl Scouts have required all leaders and volunteers to follow safety guidelines called Safety Wise. Regarding overnight safety, on page 88 this book states:

“Separate sleeping and bathroom facilities must be provided for adult males accompanying the group.”

So, if a man is not allowed to share a tent with girls, what would you call a  twelfth grade boy  who turns eighteen years old? Even more telling is a significant revision Girl Scouts made to Safety Wise, in a publication called Volunteer Essentials Chapter 4 (Safety Wise, October 11, 2011). That states:

“Ensure that no girl is treated differently. Girl Scouts welcomes all members, regardless of age, race, ethnicity, background, culture, sexual orientation, gender…”  [EDIT: I think the document she's referring to is this. The text she discusses is on page 17 and does, indeed, read as indicated.]

OVERLAY: Boys can join Girl Scouts regardless of their sexual orientation?

So Girl Scouts admits that different genders – or boys – can enter Girl Scouts and that they don’t require proof of their gender, either. Then really any boy can join Girl Scouts by simply saying he wants to be a Girl Scout. But the real question is, why is GSUSA willing to break their own safety rules and go against its own research institute findings to accommodate transgender boys?

Unfortunately, I think it is because GSUSA cares more about promoting the desires of a small handful of people than it does for my safety, and the safety of my friends and sister Girl Scouts. And they are doing it with money we earned for them from Girl Scout cookies and money we pay them for uniforms, books, patches, and anything with the Girl Scout logo on it. That is why I am connecting with you now. I am asking you to take action with me and boycott Girl Scout cookies. I ask all fellow Girl Scouts who want a true, all-girl experience not to sell any cookies until GSUSA addresses our concerns. I ask all parents of Girl Scouts who want their Girl Scouts to be in a safe environment to tell their leaders why you will not allow your girls to make any more money for GSUSA

There are better ways to fund troops. Try a garage sale. My troop did, and we earned more money in less time. We asked friends and family to just make a donation to our troop, instead of buying cookies. Every $5 donation, is equivalent to selling 8 to 13 boxes of cookies.

I also ask the American public to boycott purchasing Girl Scout cookies. There are better ways to support Girl Scout girls. You can still support your favorite Girl Scout without giving GSUSA more pocket money. Right now, GSUSA and councils are focused on adult agendas that have nothing to do helping girls.

OVERLAY: GSUSA funnels money to adult agendas like transgender promotion

Cookie sales enrich GSUSA and regional councils, allowing them to make unwanted changes to Scouting, without considering the people who are earning all that money for them: the girls and their families. The worst part is, they are not being honest with us. For more information on how Girl Scout organizations have moved away from serving girls and many, many more reasons to boycott Girl Scout cookies, go to honestgirlscouts.com

No one looks like they're enjoying this situation, to be honest

In Which A Question Is Asked

What does it mean to be a sexual trans person? A sexual trans woman?

Sidenote: I’m looking for my copy of Fucking Trans Women, an awesome e-zine available at http://fuckingtranswomen.com/. I know I bought and downloaded it, but am having trouble finding it. I emailed the site owners, tho, and hopefully they’ll be willing to send me another copy. At the very worst, I can spare another $5 for their great project.

Back on topic, I think being trans and sexual is tough for me (gonna try to use ‘I’ statements in this post, and not make generalizations) in part due to the huge variety of mixed messages I’ve received over the last 27 years. I’m sure I’m missing some categories, but here’s what I’ve come up with:

• Messages about male sexuality, even though I didn’t identify as male
• Messages about female sexuality, which I picked up even though I wasn’t yet presenting as female
• Messages about heterosexual sexuality, mainly from when I was presenting as a straight male
• Messages about queer sexuality, both before and after I came out
• Messages about specifically lesbian sexuality, again from both before and after I came out
• And last-but-never-least, messages about specifically trans sexuality, limited primarily to ‘chicks with dicks’ and ‘she-male’ porn

Again, I want to clarify that this post is going to be about my experiences. I’d love for people to chime in, but I’m not attempting to speak for anyone else, of any sexual orientation, gender identity, personal experience, etc, etc, etc. On the way I may make some wider generalizations about The Trans Sexual Experience, but my goal is much more to bring some clarity to my sexual experience, identity, and so on. So there.

I also think this is a good time to link to the these three posts I did on sex and the effects of hormones, back in late 2009. (Wow, two years ago?) Those used to be password protected, but are now public. Funny how my attitudes on privacy have changed in two years…hopefully posting all that stuff won’t come back to haunt me, but I gotsta say what I gotsta say.

Things I Wish I’d Known

TERRIFYING SEX ED DOLLS

I just re-read all three of those posts, and everything about them still stands as it relates to my early experience with sex and sexuality. Looking back now, I do think I was a lot more awkward than I thought I was at the time. That’s probably true for lots of people’s budding sexuality. But I think I owe my first major girlfriend an apology for what I can only imagine was a mediocre experience for her. I wish she’d spoken up, but I also wish I’d known how to ask what she wanted.

I also wish I’d come to an earlier realization that I don’t like being the penetrator in penetrative, penis-in-vagina sex. I don’t know if it’s the mental aspect of how I relate to my body, or the physical size of my ‘equipment,’ but I’ve never really enjoyed that kind of penetrative sex. I’ll do it, and – to clarify – I enjoy it enough that I’d rather do that than nothing… Mediocre sex is better than no sex, in my mind. I’m not totally sure – from my admittedly limited sample size – that the experience was great for my partners, either.

That’s perhaps the biggest thing I can point to and say “this was a lesson I learned being socialized as male, in a primarily heterosexual society.” I simply didn’t have a concept of sex outside of penis-in-vagina. Foreplay, fooling around, hooking up – there were lots of other ways to be sexual, but only one way to have sex.

Likewise, I imagine my (now mostly faded) hangups about anal sex and anal play came from being told – implicitly by culture, if never explicitly by anyone – that anal play was dirty, unpleasant, something for the penetrator and not the penetratee. That it was gay.

Fortunately, I’ve been honest enough with myself and with my body to realize that A) it’s not tooooo dirty if you do it right, and B) it (at least for me) it feels really good.

There’s still some lumped in baggage I possess, swirling around the ideas I picked up concerning male and female heterosexual, cisgender sexuality – basically my first three bullet points – which I’m going to lump together and call heteronormative : Who is supposed to initiate a sexual experience, how power dynamics are supposed to work between partners, all that stuff above about penetrative sex and anal sex and the definition of ‘real sex.’

As I become aware of those lingering hangups, I try to address them and think them through. Something I think I’ve really managed to turn around is my definition of sex: It’s not a specific act, it’s an experiential thing. My straight friends sometimes laugh when I call them out on this, but in my mind a blowjob or mutual masturbation or whatever is just as much sex (or, at least, can be just as much “sex”) as penetrative, penis-in-vagina, “real sex.”

Last Friday Night

Friday was a good friend’s birthday. A bunch of mutual friends had dinner, came back to my apartment for some drinks, and went out to a club. Usually I don’t join for that last part (something I’ve mentioned before). But this weekend, for whatever reason, the stars aligned and I was ready to go out. So we all headed down to The Apartment, a bar/club in Chicago near the wealthy Lincoln Park neighborhood. The dancing was kind of ridiculous (as dancing tends to be) but the music wasn’t horribly obnoxious, I had my first experience taking a drink from an ice luge, and was generally having a good time.

I'd like to imagine we looked something like this

Our group was dancing in a little clump, and whenever a stranger would come up and start to dance with me I’d politely (I hope!) turn or move away to make it clear I wasn’t interested. I’m realizing that in and of itself probably would have freaked me out a few years ago, so it’s a sign of how far I’ve come in my comfort presenting as a woman that it didn’t phase me.

But I was a few (more) drinks in and feeling loose when I felt someone’s hands – a stranger’s hands – on my hips from behind.

A pause to say that nothing bad happens. I feel like this story is progressing to the point where it seems everything will end badly, but it doesn’t: I’m not raped or sexually assaulted, my friends don’t abandon me, nothing bad happens. This is just about my processing a new experience, and my emotional reactions to it. So you are absolved from worrying about my safety for the remainder of this story.

We continue dancing, this strange man pressed up behind me. His hands go up and down my hips, and I gently move them when I feel they’re getting too frisky. I’m still facing my group of friends, regularly making eye contact with them and non-verbally communicating that I’m OK. (They kept doing the raised-eyebrow checkin, to which I’d smile and shrug.)

After a few minutes dancing, I decided I was done and turn to the guy (much shorter than I expected, but then I’m already tall and was in heels) and said I was going to the bathroom. He actually asked if he could join, which I think is kind of hilarious, but I declined and we parted ways.

Two of my friends followed me to the bathroom to check on me, for which I was grateful but didn’t think I needed. But then while I was in the bathroom (actually in a stall; I don’t think either of them know this part) I had a mini panic attack. Suddenly, those two big worries I’d pushed aside came to the forefront:

• What if he found out I was trans?
• What did my enjoying dancing with a (presumably) straight cis man mean about my own sexuality?

Questions Beget Questions

The first question is more pragmatic. I was in a very public place, surrounded by friends (including some large men who look intimidating) and wasn’t reeeeaaalllyyy concerned for my physical safety. I could have been emotionally hurt, quite severely in fact, if he’d moved his hands a little too far south and subsequently freaked out. But I don’t think there’s a realistic chance I could have ended up as an other Trans Day of Remembrance statistic. Which feels kind of good, that my friends were providing that (literal) safety net.

The second question is a lot more difficult to tease out.

I'm going to recommend AGAINST performing a Google Image Search on 'transgender sex' with SafeSearch disabled

I have lots of straight, cis, female friends who enjoy dancing with other straight, cis, females. (Some of them were doing so at this bar on Friday.) But no straight, cis, male friends who enjoy dancing with other straight, cis, males except when being silly. But I don’t think simply enjoying male attention inherently “breaks” my lesbianism. At the same time, there’s a different between being ideologically OK with some action, and then finding yourself in a situation where you have to evaluate how it actually makes you feel.

What I’m leaning more and more is that I simply enjoy attention. Period. I’m not sure how to respond to male attention, what to do about it, where I want it to go, but if I’m being honest with myself I do enjoy it. But there’s something scary, for me, to be on the receiving end of it. First is all that trans baggage of physical safety and stories of rape and beatings and death. Something which is also true for cis women in many ways, but I don’t think there’s quite the same cultural acceptance of violence and sexual assault against cis women as there is against trans women At least not so explicitly: You can find talking heads on news stories to cast doubt on the inherent sanctity of a trans woman’s body in a way that few are willing to do (publicly) about cis women’s bodies.

So what do I do with that male attention?

Coupled in with that is my continuing surprise and delight at being perceived as a ‘real’ woman, let alone an attractive one. I’m still so doubting go my appearance, in spite of all reassurances to the contrary, that there’s an aspect of shock that some random dude at a club would want to dance with me.

More importantly, though, is that bullet-point list of baggage from the beginning of this post. There’s still some hindbrain part of my psyche which thinks of me as male, as dancing with “another” man as a (male) gay act. Which is bullshit, and something I was able to drink myself out of believing, when my inhibitions were down and I wasn’t over-thinking every little thing. On the flip side, I’ve invested quite a bit of emotional energy into defining my sexuality as ‘lesbian,’ and while I’ve been recently question that for the more open-ended ‘queer’ I’m still not totally sure what that means for me.

That Whole Surgery Thing

Then there’s the final bit of this post’s title: Surgery. I’m still doing my research, but have basically narrowed down my selection to Drs Bowers (San Fran), McGinn (Philly), and Brassard (Montreal). I’m moving right now to schedule consultations with all three.

But what does surgery mean? There’s a part of me that – only somewhat jokingly – thinks that I’ll feel permission to slut it up, with my major worry of being ‘discovered’ as trans inverted up inside me. There’s exploration many people do in high school and college that I feel I missed out on.

At the same time, surgery becomes one more terrifying (and awesome and exciting, but also terrifying) ‘virginity’ to lose, both metaphorically and literally.

So, returning to my initial question, what does it mean to be a sexual trans woman? Hell if I know. I think it means all of this: this discovery, this forging my own path. Not only do I not want to follow a prescribed path to my sexuality, I don’ think there is one. There aren’t enough trans narratives to feel like I have the ability to find many ‘just like me’ role models out there. That isn’t to say I haven’t drawn from the experiences of others. Whipping Girl, Yes Means Yes, The Ethical Slut, How To Get What You Really Really Want, Cunt; these books (and authors) have all heavily impacted how I think of myself as a sexual being.

But I think I have to find the rest of the way myself.

Kate talked a lot about things which were familiar to me, even if much of the audience hadn’t been previously exposed. Things like identity politics, the importance of allowing existence outside the binary, and how hierarchical systems of identity (where this age/gender/race/religion/class/etc is better than that age/gender/race/religion/class/etc) inherently create problems.

I liked her Venn diagram about “why live?” a question she examined in Hello Cruel World: 101 Alternatives to Suicide. Kate argued that our whole person-hood consists of overlapping components of Identity (sex/gender/race/all that other stuff), Desire (what we want) and Power (our ability to get what we want). More specifically, they’re all interconnected: Our ability to get what we desire depends in part on our power which depends in part on our identity which depends in part on our desires, and so on and on.

Part of the reason binary systems create problems, she said, is that they limit all three of those components of our personhood. As she put it (which I love), “To see in binary is to lose your imagination.” (That may not be word-for-word, but that’s the idea.)

I also liked her post-modern examination of suicide, saying that the thoughts themselves aren’t “bad,” but it becomes a question of how to handle them. Killing off that component of one’s self, whatever is causing the pain or anguish, is A-OK, and is how suicidal desires should be looked at. Rather than an excuse to end everything.

I also loved her crazy acronym replacement for LGBT which, lets face it, usually just means LG and often just white-presentable-G. She had BLGTQQHAAASSSDDDIFFFBBMWGTKPPPEEAA. Lets see if I can remember all of em (EDIT: I couldn’t but a commentor directed me to the original doc at http://katebornstein.typepad.com/files/talking-points-post-trans-march-10.pdf):

Bisexual
Lesbian
Gay
Transgender
Queer
Questioning
Heterosexual queer (something arguable, but interesting in the goal of inclusion)
Allied - Kate put allied up, but crossed it out. She said, which I liked, she wants allies, but doesn’t know she wants them included in this alphabet soup community.
Asexual
Sex worker
Sadomasochist
Swingers
Drag Queens
Drag Kings
Drag Royalty
Intersex
Fury
Femme
Faries
Butch
Bear
MSM
WSW
Genderqueer
Two Spirit
Kinky
Pansexual
Polyamorous
Pornographers
Etc
Queer Artificial Intelligence
Ad infinitum

She summed all the above into Sex Positive Gender Anarchist, which can be rearranged to the lovely GASP.

All in all, it was great meeting her and getting to hear her speak. She said she had a chance to watch some of No Gender Left Behind on the plane, which was really sweet of her. Nice meeting people you look up to, and have them be awesome in person, too. Yay!

(Also, today is my birthday. Double yay!)