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By Rebecca, November 3, 2011 4:51 pm

When I’m single, Every six months or so I’ll get bored and post something to the Craigslist Personals section. Nothing long-term has ever come of it, but I’ve had some fun dates and an amusing time writing the ads. I again posted something a few nights ago, in which I mentioned I’m trans, and one of the responses was this:

Uh…maybe, just maybe you aren’t getting any action because you are a guy posting on WfW board?

Ever think of that?

You have every right to feel that you are female…more power to you.  Go buy some heals and short skirts if it makes you feel better.

Anatomically though you are still a GUY.

I feel for you….really…you have my sympathy.

But no woman who is seeking another woman wants to date/hook up with anyone with your “equipment.”

Just a thought….

I generally try to assume good intent until proven otherwise. Also, I was bored when I received it, and willing to engage. (Perhaps foolishly so.) Here’s what I sent in response:

Thanks for the email. I’m going to assume honest ignorance, and that you’re really trying to help me out. While, as I said in my post, I haven’t had a ton of dating luck lately, I have dated (and hooked up with, and fucked) a number of women over the years. The majority of whom didn’t have a problem with my “equipment.” Many of whom identified as lesbian. And some of whom had never been with someone who had a penis. Part of the reason I’m open about my identity as trans in the CL post is to avoid people who aren’t interested in my equipment. Which is fine – I’m not trying to force myself on anyone.

But I do think you have a somewhat narrow definition of male and female (even if you’re looking at things anotomically). I’m not intersex, but why should my dick win over my boobs as determining my gender? Likewise, if I’m out in public, people perceive me as female, not as male. Would a straight woman want that? (In my experience, no.)

So I made a conscious choice to post in the wfw section. I’ve already gotten a few positive responses, some of which I plan to follow up on. Because I do think I posted in the correct section, anatomy be damned.

-R

You have a penis.

Therefore, you are a male.

Nobody sane would disagree with me.

Get off the women seeking women board.  You are not a woman by any definition.

You are clearly a queer guy.  You might not like it, but that’s what you are.

Comments (9)

By Rebecca, November 1, 2011 4:49 pm

Had a chance to see Kate Bornstein speak today at Chicago Kent College of Law, which was lovely. My dad teaches at the law school, and I found out about the event through him. My notes are kind of disjointed, since I was only jotting down things that struck with me and don’t have the whole arching narrative of her presentation. That said, here are some things that stuck with me.

Kate talked a lot about things which were familiar to me, even if much of the audience hadn’t been previously exposed. Things like identity politics, the importance of allowing existence outside the binary, and how hierarchical systems of identity (where this age/gender/race/religion/class/etc is better than that age/gender/race/religion/class/etc) inherently create problems.

I liked her Venn diagram about “why live?” a question she examined in Hello Cruel World: 101 Alternatives to Suicide. Kate argued that our whole person-hood consists of overlapping components of Identity (sex/gender/race/all that other stuff), Desire (what we want) and Power (our ability to get what we want). More specifically, they’re all interconnected: Our ability to get what we desire depends in part on our power which depends in part on our identity which depends in part on our desires, and so on and on.

Part of the reason binary systems create problems, she said, is that they limit all three of those components of our personhood. As she put it (which I love), “To see in binary is to lose your imagination.” (That may not be word-for-word, but that’s the idea.)

Continue reading 'Kate Bornstein in Chicago'»

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By Rebecca, September 27, 2011 5:55 pm

Hopefully won't end up in police custody like she did, tho.

I talked with my therapist recently about ‘the rest’ of transitioning. I don’t mean The Surgery, although that’s something which is still on my mind, I mean moving from actively transitioning – changing my name, going on hormones, fretting about levels, watching my boobs grow, constant hair removal – to simply living as a woman. (As if living were ever simple, for anyone.)

More specifically, I said I’d been having trouble getting motivated lately. Sure, I could spend extra time doing my makeup, extra energy wearing a skirt, extra effort walking in heels. But I’m never going to look like Mexico’s beauty queen over on the right (using her as an example simply because she came up when I did a Google Image Search for ‘beauty’) so why not just throw on jeans and a t-shirt?

Laura, my therapist, smiled and said that’s part of what being a woman is all about.

Except I’ve become very used to the idea of transition as moving toward something: getting hair removed, growing breasts, buying a new wardrobe. The idea that I’ve arrived (or am close to arriving) at status quo, at whatever ‘normal’ is going to be for me for the foreseeable future, is battling it out with internalized transphobia and, more simply, internalized desire for the unobtainable female ideal.

On good days, I’m able to remind myself that I’m not only attractive “for a trans woman” (whatever that loaded statement means) but simply attractive as a woman. Touring this summer demonstrated that; it may not be that all the girls wanted me, but enough did to be a boost to my confidence.

On bad days, however, I feel stuck. As if I’ve reached my asymptotic height. And while convincing myself that transitioning was possible has helped keep me sane for so many years, I now need to put the breaks on that line of thinking: there is a limit to how I’ll look, determined by genetics and biology. I’m never going to be 5’6″ and 120 lbs, or have a 36-26-36 figure.

But that’s OK. I’m working on it being OK.

Comments (3)

By Rebecca, July 19, 2011 6:05 pm

Slashdot.org, a geek-focused site (“News for nerds, stuff that matters.”) recently had a poll on prescription medication use. I posted the following:

I’m taking estrogen, progesterone, and testosterone blockers as part of hormone replacement therapy, along with anti-anxiety meds due to longstanding anxiety issues.

Going slightly off topic, one of the things that frustrated me during the debates about healthcare in the ’08 election was how folks (I particularly remember McCain) would talk about the free market. If insurance companies won’t insure you (due to preexisting conditions) the free market kinda fails for that consumer, doesn’t it? Whether or not a business shouldbe required to take a customer – which is what banning preexisting condition refusals would mean – is a different question, but don’t pretend the ‘free market’ can automatically solve everything for everyone.

More broadly speaking, the healthcare debate following Obama’s election once again frustrated me due to its language. Lets be honest: I and others like me who have preexisting, chronic conditions don’t need insurance, to insure us against catastrophe, we need assurance, assurance we’ll have help paying for medication and treatment we can’t always afford. Because yeah, from an insurance company’s point of view, I’m a shitty costumer. They know they’re gonna have to pay out, $X, monthly, for the rest of my life. If I were running an insurance company, I sure wouldn’t want trans clients (or clients with cancer, or diabetes, or any other chronic condition). Where’s the money in that?

What I would have liked to see the debate be about instead was what type of medical care, as a society, do we want to provide to people who can’t afford it? What do we do with them? Who – at the end of the day – pays for their treatment? That would at least be an honest discussion about values, instead of a veiled discussion about false rhetoric.

It shouldn’t have surprised me that responses to the first paragraph (about my being trans) vastly outweighed responses to the other three (about health care). What did surprise me was that the majority of the posts were respectful and I (GASP!) actually changed someone’s opinion! Some highlights:

Continue reading 'A civil discussion about gender on Slashdot?!'»

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By Rebecca, July 18, 2011 1:31 pm

Someone recently posted the following to a post. I’m not including the links because you can put in your own effort if you really want to go to this site.

BOYCOTT AMERICAN WOMEN
Why American men should boycott American women
[url]

I am an American man, and I have decided to boycott American women. In a nutshell, American women are the most likely to cheat on you, to divorce you, to get fat, to steal half of your money in the divorce courts, don’t know how to cook or clean, don’t want to have children, etc. Therefore, what intelligent man would want to get involved with American women?

American women are generally immature, selfish, extremely arrogant and self-centered, mentally unstable, irresponsible, and highly unchaste. The behavior of most American women is utterly disgusting, to say the least.

This blog is my attempt to explain why I feel American women are inferior to foreign women (non-American women), and why American men should boycott American women, and date/marry only foreign (non-American) women.

BOYCOTT AMERICAN WOMEN!

Are you a man who is interested in marrying indian women? Please visit Indian-Wife.com, India’s 1st International Marriage Site: [url]

Wow.

Continue reading 'Boycott American Women!'»

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By Rebecca, July 15, 2011 8:25 pm

I haven’t posted about dreams in a while. (Over 18 months, actually.) But I was talking with some friends recently, and the topic of dreaming in languages came up. Some of my friends are fluent in French, and they were discussing how and when your thought process and dreams switch from English to French when living in a French-speaking country. It made me think back to visiting a (native English speaker) friend in Paris and waking up from a nightmare. She turned to me and began speaking in French, which confused the hell out of me.

It also made me think, more broadly, about how we see ourselves in dreams. I remember a gradual shift over my transition, of presenting male in dreams to presenting male but being unhappy about it to presenting as female but ‘knowing’ I’m trans in the dream to, these days, either being trans in the dream or ‘simply’ being female.

It’s been interesting, exciting, and occasionally stressful.

Continue reading 'Gendered dreams'»

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By Rebecca, June 28, 2011 6:02 pm

Dykes! Marching! (And allies, too!)

As promised, some more info on Dyke March.

The march itself was lots of fun. Tons of different groups with signs about gender, youth activism, immigration rights, inclusivity, the whole nine yards. From one of the signs in the picture to the right:

SEXISM goes so deep that at first it’s hard to see. You think it’s just REALITY.

Alix Kates Shulman, 1978

A very fun contrast to the out-of-control party that was the Pride Parade.

When we got to the rally at the end, it was nice out. Beautiful, warm, sunny, in the park. So I took my top off, and my bra (like ya do…) and began wandering, handing out the Early to Bed goodies: coupons, lube, and stickers saying ‘Some like it TWAT.’

It was amusing watching people’s reactions, both at Dyke March and at pride. Some were totally willing to look, some glanced and then maintained eye contact, and some flickered back and forth between my eyes and my boobs. But while waiting in line for food, chatting with one of the friends who carpooled with me to Dyke March, someone approached me and said I needed to cover up.

Continue reading 'I was a trouble-maker at the Dyke March'»

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By Rebecca, June 1, 2011 12:39 pm

If you want to participate, you only have until 6/3/11 to do so!

I was recently contacted by Jeremy Mann, a researcher I met last year. He’s currently working on an awesome-sounding project to demonstrate the lack of trans and gender-varient folks in history and archives. I’ll let him explain:

I am currently working on research that calls attention to the lack of space and concern in history and archives for trans and gender-variant people.  My goal is to not only point out the ignorance, violence, and accountability surrounding this issue, but to also offer solutions to archivists for how they can better serve all people in safeguarding memory and the past, especially past struggles.  The struggle to be who you want to be in the face of constant oppressions should not be lost, forgotten, or lived over and over again.

Please help me in this research/activism by participating in a questionnaire I developed for the purpose of empowering the “subjects” by centering their voices in my work (rather than me speaking for others).  If you identify as transgender, transsexual, trans, and/or genderqueer, or cross-dressing is a significant part of your life, please take the time to help me keep historians and archivists responsible.

There is a horrific absence of trans and gender-variant people in US and global histories, especially archives.  People in power often use history as a tool to deny other people’s rights, such as gender expression or employment nondiscrimination.  When people and struggle are missing in history/archives, others take advantage of them.  Help me change this.

Here’s the documents you need:

• Consent Form
  • Trans History & Archives Consent Form (Word Document)
  • Trans History & Archives Consent Form (PDF)
• Questionnaire
  • Trans History & Archives Questionnaire (Word Doc)
  • Trans History & Archives Questionnaire (PDF)

You only need one of each, I’ve just included both formats in case one is easier than the other. Email completed forms to jmain@luc.edu by 6/3/2011!

Sorry for the short notice, but I hope you’ll be able to help with this project.

Comments (49)

By Rebecca, May 18, 2011 2:17 pm

You don't need me to find a topless woman for you...

My roommates and I moved a fridge last night and felt very proud of ourselves. Our landlords were getting rid of their fridge and gave it to us (since it wasn’t really very old), but only had the moving guys bring it up to our sunroom. So one door-removed-from-the-hinges-to-fit-the-fringe-through-later, we have a shiny, huge new fridge. That isn’t really relevant to this post, other than I’m excited about it and the fridge-moving immediately preceded a conversation I had with my two roommates about being topless.

Our apartment has central heat and air, but we try not to overly rely on them in the interests of keeping our energy costs low. So there’s usually a few weeks of the summer where, with fans on and windows open, the apartment is livable, even though it gets pretty hot when you try to go to sleep. We had one of those evenings a few weeks ago (yes, in Chicago it can go from being almost 90 to barely 50 in the span of a week) and I ended up sleeping topless. Which made me come to the conclusion that I should be allowed to be topless in my own apartment.

I am not a stranger to discussing and thinking about toplessness, but this is the first time I have made a concrete decision about a specific space in my life where I think I should be allowed to be topless. I actually realized that being topless would make me feel good, both physically and emotionally. (Insert comments about exhibitionism here, if you must.) I’d talked with one of my roommates about this that very hot weekend, and she said that she wouldn’t be joining me, but didn’t care if I bared my boobs. Last night, I asked my other roommate if he was OK with me being topless in the apartment

He said ‘no.’

Continue reading 'So you can be topless but I can’t?'»

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By Rebecca, March 31, 2011 11:54 am

One of the things I discussed in Svara and Queering Judaism was Rabbi Lappe’s view on how one can respond when a story ‘crashes.’ That is, what do you do when a narrative you understand to be Right and True – everyone is straight and cis, one race is smarter than another, sexual act ____ is inherently unpleasant and demeaning – begins to show cracks?

Option Number One is to wall that new information out, pretend it doesn’t exist, persevere and insist your story is still Right and True. (The problems here should be obvious.) Option Number Two is to leave your story behind, jump to a new story, assimilate that story into yourself. (The problem here, argued Lappe, is that all stories eventually crash.) Option Number Three – what Lappe was promoting – is to find whatever of value existed in the original story, and pull it through with the new information you have to create a new story, keeping important parts of the old.

As I’ve transitioned, as the story of myself as male was left behind, I’ve spent a lot of time working on Option Number Three. Of pulling through the original threads of my story, my community, my friends, my family, my social circles, into my new understanding of myself and the world. Which has been rewarding, in many many ways.

And yet, finding meaning in a non-working story also sucks. Trying not to lose the valuable parts of my old story has meant – I realize more and more – that I haven’t put enough energy into creating the new.

Continue reading 'This story sucks'»