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By Rebecca, June 12, 2011 1:31 pm

My last post discussed some of the hard emotions I’ve been dealing with, but not as much how I’m trying to get away from ‘em or move past ‘em. After talking with my therapist and my doctor this past week, we came up with some tactics for getting to a better place.

One of the things my (awesome) doctor mentioned was the fact I’m really hard on myself. (No shocker there.) And that I don’t easily accept compliments. (Also, something I knew.) But he extracted some history from those ideas in a way that hadn’t occurred to me. One of the big things he said, which I’ve thought about before but never quite this explicit way, is I’ve trained myself to dismiss compliments because for so long they were at least partially false: “Oh, you’re handsome,” “You’re such a strong boy,” whatever. But I’ve trained myself to not only to dismiss compliments, but to feel that they were lies because the person giving the compliment couldn’t possibly see the ‘real’ me. Well, now that I’ve transitioned, that’s no longer true. So I need to unlearn that. Most of the tactics we discussed deal, at their core, with being nicer to myself and more open to accepting positive energy both from myself and from others.

Continue reading 'Assignments for mental health'»

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By Rebecca, June 11, 2011 10:36 pm

Trigger warning for discussion of self injury

I’m always hesitant to post here when I’m having a hard time. It’s a few things. First, this is (obviously) a public forum. I don’t hide my ‘real’ identity. So there’s some reluctance to have friends I maybe haven’t talked to in a while say “Why am I hearing about this from your blog and not directly from you?” That hasn’t happened often, but once burnt twice shy. I also keep bumping into this weird public/private persona. I don’t make a conscious effort to distinguish between the two, but there is a distinction: there’s stuff about sex and relationships and emotions that I haven’t posted on this blog, or that won’t make it into shows I do. But I also feel this awkward need to justify my hard times, to say “I’m feeling shitty….but I know there are people worse off, so I can’t allow myself to feel shitty.” I think this is particularly tricky in minority communities (at least, it feels that way in the trans community) because if I say “I feel ugly” or “I feel masculine” or “I feel alone” there are lots of folks able to say “You’re not as ______ as me!”

But I still have those feelings.

This post is an effort to not justify or explain or couch my emotions. This post is simply an expression of them. Comments like “Well, you don’t have it that bad, look at XYZ” will not be appreciated, and may be deleted. I think I’m a damn generous moderator, but right now I just need some expression of self pitty and hardship.

With all that friggin discilaimering out of the way, lets get to it.

Being trans is hard.

Continue reading 'The hard stuff'»

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By Rebecca, May 30, 2011 3:12 pm

Self Loving: Biking along Chicago’s incomparable lakefront, knowing the journey is the point, not worrying about speed or distance or time. Enjoying the air, the view, the sensation of flying next to the water.

Self Loathing: Biking along Chicago’s lakefront, comparing myself to every beautiful woman I see, never feeling slim enough, curvy enough, busty enough, pretty enough.

Self Loving: Switching to a new (closer, more responsive) doctor to try and adjust my antidepressants to something more effective.

Self Loathing: Rushing into the switch (through my own laziness, not the doctor’s fault) and dropping hormone and antidepressant dosages way to fast. Panic attacks. Anxiety. Dizziness. Thoughts of self-harm.

Self Loving: Going to bed at midnight instead of two, three, four AM.

Self Loathing: Tossing and turning in bed, checking email, reading websites, IMing with friends until two, three, four AM.

Self Loving: Getting off my butt to apply for jobs, work on my show, apply for grants.

Self Loathing: Starting to apply for jobs, work on my show, apply for grants and then get overwhelmed and dizzy and lie on the couch until it goes away. Except it doesn’t, because the stress is still there.

Continue reading 'Self Lo______'»

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By Rebecca, May 26, 2011 10:26 pm

I just finished Nineteen Minutes, a book by Jodi Picoult about a high school shooting, what leads up to it, the aftermath, and the trial of the shooter. I’ve only read one other Picoult book (My Sister’s Keeper, about a younger sister who was specifically created through artificial insemination to provide her very sick older sister organ and tissue donations) and I enjoyed both of them quite a lot, even if they were also both sort of emotional rollercoasters with some similar narrative structures.

What made Nineteen Minutes such a hard read for me, though, was the portrayal and discussion of bullying. Peter Houghton, the shooter, was bullied since his first day of school. Was a sensitive and not particularly athletic child. Was a gamer and a computer programmer, dabbling in making his own videogames. A loner. Unpopular and massively teased as a result. Suicidal. And, ultimately, homicidal. Was, as I’ve thought about a lot, someone I could see myself having become in different circumstances. Someone I still sometimes – unreasonably, I admit – worry I am. Continue reading 'Jodi Picoult’s ‘Nineteen Minutes’ and being part of the ‘in’ crowd'»

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By Rebecca, April 17, 2011 11:59 pm

O, Canada...

I had a conversation tonight with my dad about the TSA, and it got me thinking about these United States: About discrimination, harassment, violence, brutality. Specifically, at what point are things ‘bad enough’ to leave?

I’m going to admit my understanding of any other country (particularly, say, the one directly north of the United States) comes from popular culture and a one-week trip I made to Vancouver a few years ago. I’m not seriously thinking about leaving the US for more northerly climes.

But what would it take?

My country is telling me I don’t deserve health care, my tax dollars should spent on war, my identity isn’t worth respecting, my rights aren’t worth respecting… What would it take?

There’s a big part of me that feels sad even considering this question. That thinks, “Hey, America is my country and – if there are things I don’t like – I should fight to change it for the better.” But there’s another party that can’t help wondering whether I should just pick up and go…

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By Rebecca, April 15, 2011 11:01 pm

Just back from a friend’s party. Most of the party was really fun – it was a joint birthday party (for a friend) and celebration of Yuri Gagarin’s flight. (The theme was Cosmonaut Ice Cream.) So there were silly costumes, lots of ice cream, and tin foil for tin foil hats (to protect from the Soviets) and other ridiculousness.

I just got home, and am trying to figure out exactly why I’m so angry.

A number of folks at the party – myself included – were Northwestern graduates. We were discussing crazy news stories, and some brought up the controversy surrounding J. Michael Bailey’s live sex toy demonstration. I said that I hated to give Bailey any credit, but did think the controversy and outrage was a little much. But, I continued, I still thought he was a dip-shit for his work on The Man Who Would Be Queen and his support of Blanchard’s views on transsexualism.

The girl I was chatting with, who has brought up Bailey, said she understood how rightfully harsh the criticism of his research was (including credible accusations that he slept with people for information, and/or didn’t tell them he’d be using their stories in his book) but didn’t remember his views being so black-and-white as “all transsexuals are either homosexual transsexuals or suffer from autogynephilia.”

Very shortly thereafter, I left the party, having gone from light and laughing to upset and frustrated.

Continue reading 'Angry and Alone'»

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By Rebecca, April 8, 2011 2:20 pm

I’m working on No Gender Left Behind right now, reading through the script I have so far and thinking about where to take it next. And I’ve hit something of a roadblock. Or, at the very least, some speedbumps. I’ve been thinking about the dangers of appropriation.

Specifically, I’m at a part in the show where I’d like to get into issues of discrimination. Of violence against trans folks. Of harassment. Rape. Murder. Of things that I – bless the gods – have only experienced peripherally, if at all.

How do I move from telling my story, to telling our story?

Continue reading 'Appropriation'»

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By Rebecca, April 7, 2011 2:37 pm

I’ve noticed something since getting back from DC: I’m a lot bubblier. I’m chattier. Bouncier. (No, not that way – get your mind out of the gutter. Although my boobs have felt bigger…) I say “I notice” as opposed to “I’ve felt” or “I’ve acted” because I haven’t felt much better. I’m still feeling anxious and somewhat depressed. I’m finally going to the doctor’s tomorrow to try and adjust my meds. But I’ll say something or do something or interact with someone in a certain way and pause. “Wait, who was that? Who just giggled that way? Jumped in excitement? Preened in front of the mirror?”

I’m particularly confused because, as I said, I don’t feel much better. I have these little moments of lightness inside what is still frustrating amounts of anxiety, worry, sadness. It’s almost as if there’s a part of my body that’s responsible for behavior that has gotten a new update: we’re happy! Meanwhile, the part of me responsible for feeling emotions hasn’t. It’s been left out of the loop.

I’d really like every part of me brought up to speed. I’d like to feel as good as I find myself acting.

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By Rebecca, March 31, 2011 11:54 am

One of the things I discussed in Svara and Queering Judaism was Rabbi Lappe’s view on how one can respond when a story ‘crashes.’ That is, what do you do when a narrative you understand to be Right and True – everyone is straight and cis, one race is smarter than another, sexual act ____ is inherently unpleasant and demeaning – begins to show cracks?

Option Number One is to wall that new information out, pretend it doesn’t exist, persevere and insist your story is still Right and True. (The problems here should be obvious.) Option Number Two is to leave your story behind, jump to a new story, assimilate that story into yourself. (The problem here, argued Lappe, is that all stories eventually crash.) Option Number Three – what Lappe was promoting – is to find whatever of value existed in the original story, and pull it through with the new information you have to create a new story, keeping important parts of the old.

As I’ve transitioned, as the story of myself as male was left behind, I’ve spent a lot of time working on Option Number Three. Of pulling through the original threads of my story, my community, my friends, my family, my social circles, into my new understanding of myself and the world. Which has been rewarding, in many many ways.

And yet, finding meaning in a non-working story also sucks. Trying not to lose the valuable parts of my old story has meant – I realize more and more – that I haven’t put enough energy into creating the new.

Continue reading 'This story sucks'»

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By Rebecca, March 30, 2011 12:22 am

Great post over at Tranarchism, entitled “A Day In The Life Of An Angry Transsexual“:

At lunch break, one of my coworkers talks about his roommates. “You live with two girls?” someone asks. “Sort of,” he replies. “One of them is like a transgender. It’s like her boyfriend or something.”

Somebody else starts laughing, “Oh that’s nasty. Oh that’s wrong. Does he wear a wig and everything?”

I am speechless, baffled by what is going on around me. Everyone here knows that I am trans. Do they think of me that way too? Or am I one of the ‘good ones?’ Do they just forget that I’m transgender? Or are trans men OK in their book, and only trans women repulsive? I mentally circle this last, most likely explanation in red. But that still doesn’t really explain why they think they can talk that way in front of me. Whatever the reason, I am ashamed to say, they keep right on thinking that, because I cannot find my voice to say anything.

Asher uses the term “microagression” to describe these little instances. No one specific thing is big enough to get all upset over, but combined (day after day after day after…) they leave psychic residue in your soul.

In some ways, Asher’s post reminds me of my privilege: I – in the vast majority of my daily existence – am not surrounded by people who would pull that shit.

At the same time, particularly after coming back from DC and being surrounded by all sorts of awesome trans folks, gender non-conforming folks, and we-have-our-shit-together allies, I’m reminded of how cis and straight my Chicago social group is. I’ve said this before, but now am trying more seriously to change it:

• I’m moving my circus class so I can start attending Genderqueer Chicago
• Been messaging with lots of folks on OKCupid
• Looking into Gender Just’s activities
• Planning to go to a few other weekly/monthly events in the queer community, to see how they feel

The NCTE conference was a pressure cooker of an event, a pre-built community that I’ll have to actually discover for myself in Chicago. But I’m going to try.