I recently wrote a post, I’m Scared, in which I talked about my fears relating to my upcoming gender reassignment surgery. (Shameless donation plug: Please donate!) The post was really important for me to write, and has helped me internalize and work through some of the fears that I have. (Some of them remain scary, and will continue to be scary until I’m through them and they’re OK.) But I also wanted to take time to focus on what I’m excited about, what I’m looking forward to, and what is going to be awesome about having surgery.
I’m excited about having a body that will ‘fit.’ A body I can bathe in the shower without having extra dangly bits. A body that will be hugged by form-fitting clothing, without unseemly bulging. I’m excited about shopping for that clothing, trying on dresses and skirts and pants (and the dreaded yoga pants!) and feeling like they were designed for my body, and vice versa.
I’m excited about exploring my new body. I’m dreading dilation, yes, but I’m also excited by it. About having this new part – constructed from the old – that offers new opportunities for pleasure and simply for comfort. I’m excited about getting to know my new anatomy, its rounded parts and squishy bits and how it fits with the rest of me.
I’m excited about sex and being sexual. I’m confident my brain and nerves and body will figure out how this new part works, and eagerly dreading the shocks and pinches and jolts that are supposed to come as the brain connects the dots (so to speak) and recovers from the trauma of surgery. I’m excited about vibrators and dildos and penises and fingers and tongues and eyes. I’m excited about being looked at, about having lovers gaze adoringly at my new flesh before pouncing on it and devouring me whole.
I’m excited about flying home first class. I know I’m going to be drained, wiped out, entirely pooped, but I splurged for first class, dammit, and I plan on enjoying it. I’m excited about the big comfy seat and boarding first and being all awesome and classy.
I’m excited about catching up on all the shows I’ve been saving. This is pretty silly, I know, but I really want to know how Breaking Bad ended (spoil it and I will hurt you), and what’s been happening with Mad Men. I’m excited to start Game of Thrones. To finally watch The Sopranos, Curb Your Enthusiasm, and all the other shows friends have been recommending.
I’m excited about going swimming, going to the beach, in a suit that doesn’t have awkward shorts covering my bottom half. About lazing out in the sun and tanning, of having a swimsuit tan line instead of a gym-shorts tan line. I’m excited about inevitably skinny dipping next summer, of showing off my new body, of being obnoxiously pleased with myself.
I’m excited about exploring my new body through writing and performance. Of the first time I’m naked on stage with my new body. (You all knew it was coming. Don’t act surprised.) Of drawing on the experience of surgery to be a better activist, a better educator, and a better artist. I’m excited to be able to offer my experiences to others as a resource, the same way friends and community members have done with me.
I’m excited to worry less about my body. Not ‘not-worry’ (I’m not that naive) but to have one major worry reduced. I’m excited to reduce my risk of being outed without my consent. Again, the risk will never be zero, and I don’t plan to suddenly go stealth. But I expect conversations about my trans-ness – particularly with potential sexual partners – to be less fraught. Getting patted down at the airport will be less worrying.
I’m excited about all that and more. I’m excited about healing, biking, swimming, sex, clothing, politics, art.