Thanks, mom and dad
My parents aren’t perfect. I doubt any are. And, yet, I feel pretty lucky to have them. I’ve talked about my coming out experience, and how – even though my parents responded with love – I wish they had responded to my coming out with understanding. With the knowledge to say, “Yup. And this is what we do about that.” I wish there had been things like summer camps for trans youth, or conferences for their families, or books for parents, or any of the things that have really come to light in the last decade or so. At the same time, I feel lucky and fortunate to have the parents I do.
I was reminded about this when my mom sent me a link to a Chicago Tribune article titled Study: Family ties cut suicide rate for LGBT youth. In fact, my parents responded on a similar script to what the article suggests:
[One of the study authors] said parents can make a difference. It’s important parents respond with love and acceptance from the moment their child tells them he or she is gay, and that’s true even if parents need time to process the information.
“You can say something like: ‘I’m glad you shared that with me and I love you no matter what. This is new for me and I have to think about it, but I want you to know that I loved you before you told me and I love you now,’” he said.
It certainly took my parents time to process. I’d say it actually took them about ten years, from when I came out to them around fourteen to when I was asking all of my friends and family and coworkers to call me Rebecca when I was in my mid-twenties. In all fairness to them, I wasn’t transitioning for most of that time. I wasn’t really talking to them about being trans, or my developing trans identity.
And maybe I wasn’t always as patient as I could have been. I’ve had my issues, particularly with my dad. But he’s come around, too. My performances have helped him understand what I’m going through, which has been incredibly rewarding to see. And he has gotten really into the festivals and tours I’ve been involved with, which feels really good.
And for all my frustrations with my parents, I never doubted their love. For all the times I’ve been driven to tears, I never worried they would kick me out, cut me off, beat me, abandon me. Even when it felt like they were never going to understand, I didn’t think for a moment that they were going to do any of the more horrible things that families can inflict on their queer kids.
In looking for some of the posts I linked to above, I came across this post from June 2008, where I discussed my fears of buying women’s clothing at Target, and some frustrations with my dad.
And now the only ‘boy’ clothing I have left is some old boxers and shirts for sleeping, and my dad readily introduces me as his daughter.
Who said nothing ever changes?
Themocracy
It was nice to read you musing on parental reactions over the time and i am happy to hear that you dad introduces you are her daughter. At this time of writing this reply, i am hoping that my parents would come around to see for what i am. I came out in a letter to my parents a year ago, since i live far away from them, our only contact have been through the telephone and ever since I came out to them, our conversations have been kind of forced and one sided. The whole ritual seeemed to break down to talks about the local weather and my new apartment. For sometime, I was contemplating on have my connection cut off with my parents but after reading you mention that it took your parents 10 years to come about. I am going to take the optimistic approach.
I hope your folks come around. It’s hard to ‘get,’ particularly when you’re not seeing someone going through a transition. Best of luck! I’ll send good vibes.
okay, i wrote the previous response a bit fast and i have lot of typos. I hope i am excused for it.
Absolutely!