“You know I’m trans, right?”
I was talking with some coworkers this week, B who has been there almost a year and K, the woman I’m training to be my replacement. We were joking about a number of things, and B made a self-deprecating joke about being gay. I followed up with a self-deprecating joke about being trans, and turned to K, saying, “You know I’m trans, right?”
That’s been my general coming out tactic lately, and I think I’ve mentioned it once or twice before on this blog. Today, K paused (awkwardly, I felt) and said, “Oh, yeah.”
I like “You know I’m trans, right?” because it gives me – the one coming out – some amount of power. It’s absolutely a leading question, which means there’s a social impetus on whoever I’m speaking with not to say, “No! Oh my god! You’re trans!?” The pressure is there for them to agree, say they knew I was trans, and move on.
At the same time, I’m coming to dislike using this as a way to come out (or verify that I don’t need to) because of that same pressure. I always want the response to be, “Oh, wow. No, I didn’t know that,” because it’ll make me feel better about my presentation as a woman. (It’s happened on occasion, but not frequently.)
I’m curious how (or if) other people handle similar issues? I consider my work environment (at this job, specifically) to be somewhere I’m comfortable enough to joke about my trans identity. At the same time, I needed to make explicit that aspect of my identity to K. Or did I? I obviously could have either kept my mouth shut, or told the joke and not explain it. But I’m not thrilled with either of those options.
What would you have done?
coming out, trans
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coming out, trans, work
Themocracy
I treat my sexuality as I want it to be treated: as a non-issue. Generally I come into these conversations by discussing my history as nonchalantly as my (often) cis, hetero peers do, because why shouldn’t I be granted that same privilege? Usually by doing this I force the other person to come to their own conclusions or to ask “wait, so your…?” Often the person I am conversing with will ask if I am ‘bi’ and I’ll shrug, because not every moment can be a teaching moment and there is only so much energy I have. If there is time, and I like the person enough, I’ll explain that I don’t identify as ‘bi’ because not everyone I’ve ever been attracted to has fallen neatly into a binary gender system, and the word ‘bi’ tends to be too exclusive for me (I take words rather literally.) So, I guess I out myself by being a person in this world who expects to be able to be myself in this world.
Thanks for your thoughts, Emma. It sounds like you have a good way of handling things. I think I put too much worry into this sort of thing…
I use the “you know I’m trans, right?” question as a means of coming out, too. Like you said, it’s not a perfect way of doing it, but it is the best one I’ve thought of so far.
I do the “you know I’m trans, right?” thing too. I also just talk as though everyone knows. Once or twice I’ve had people look puzzled when I mention something that assumes they knew, which is always funny. It’s nice to not be the one on the spot.
Sometimes, I will out myself more gently and with a helping hand for someone who seems like it’s totally out of their experience, but seems worth the extra effort. There aren’t many folks I treat like that.
Welcome, Marlene! (I love the header image on your blog.) And thanks for sharing your experiences.