Searching for something that fits
Circumcisions. Bar Mitzvahs. Mourning ceremonies.
My whole life, I have been in search of a way to validate my identity through ceremony and ritual. I recognize the importance of
Some – my circumcision, my Bar Mitzvah – were imposed by a religion and a culture to which I did not voluntarily join. They established my gender as something existing outside of myself, and yet integral to myself: there wasn’t anything I could do to deviate from its course, or reject its structure.
Some were my early own attempts at discovering what worked for me. Burning papers with my male name. Throwing out male clothing. Writing a blog to record my thoughts, feelings, and emotions throughout my transition. Using performance and theatre as a way to tell my story.
Every day, we seek out the ceremonies and rituals that will allow us to validate our identity, that will fit us and that we will, in turn, fit in to. On a small scale, the process of getting ready in the morning becomes a ritual of identity, heightening one’s own tendency toward order or chaos. Going to and from work becomes a ritual of profession, physically symbolizing a source of income. Making breakfast or dinner becomes an act of caring for our body, demonstrating our worth (or, depending on what one eats, the lack thereof).
On a larger scale, we ceremonialize and memorialize the events in our life to mark the passage of time. Circumcisions. Bar Mitzvahs. Graduations. Birthday parties and weddings and funerals. Solstices and equinoxes, the waxing and waning of the moon. Marking the passage of time could be done at any arbitrary point, but instead we choose significant reminders of who we are, and who we want to be.
Not for gender, though. Sure, there are ceremonies of gender. Some of them I’ve mentioned already: Circumcisions. Bar (and Bat) Mitzvahs. Prom often becomes a way to accentuate one’s male-ness or female-ness. Weddings, too. But these ceremonies solidify one’s gender, they aren’t built to allow a choice of gender.
Sure, some people buck the trend: A former high school student of mine attended a school where all the girls walked down the aisle at graduation in white dresses, the boys in white tuxedos. It took her months of meetings to be allowed to wear a white tux; she eventually had to threaten to get the ACLU involved before the school board backed down.
But that takes strength and a presence of mind most people lack, particularly at the young age where our gender should be most fluid and free, but ends up being solidified and imposed. For ever boy that fights to wear a dress to prom, or girl who fights to take her girlfriend to Cottilion, there are a ten who wish they could but don’t try, and hundreds who would never even think to try. And will actively put down and oppress those who do.
Because ceremonies aren’t only an internal or external affair. My wearing a dress to prom wouldn’t have only been seen as a statement about my gender, but as somehow endangering the solidity gender everywhere. And, indeed, my identity does put such solidity on shakier ground. (And I’m glad to do it!) Rituals don’t only demonstrate to the world that something has happened – someone was born, aged, got married, died – they demonstrate it to ourselves. Hence my desire for a transition ceremony as both a public and private event: it’s about me, and my internal process, but I also want some recognition from the important people in my life that it has happened. I want to make up for all the years when the wrong name was on my birthday cake, when I received ties instead of bows, sci-fi books and video games instead of…well, OK, I still want those.
So I search for something that fits. This blog has helped with that, as a public demonstration of my gender, a way to prove – to myself and to the world – that I am who I say I am. Likewise with my performances. And, who knows, I may never find something that is “just right.”
But I’m damn sure going to try.
Themocracy
How about a party on a anniversary :IE your name change, start of HRT
I like that, although it makes me a little uncomfortable. I’m not sure why, though… Need to think more on it.
Have you seen this?
http://www.transtorah.org/PDFs/Blessing_for_Transitioning_Genders.pdf
Welcome, Jill. Awesome link! Trans Torah has some great stuff, and I’m looking at how I can use ‘em. I’ll definitely post back if/when I go through with any of their rituals and ceremonies.