Comments (5) First, some topless humor from when I was out in Andersonville today. Tapas las Ramblas is a great tapas place down the street from me, and I saw this out this afternoon:
If I weren’t wearing a dress, I’d have been very tempted to take them up on their offer…
To own up to my history outs me as trans and brings up a long stretch of time – the first twenty or so years of my life – that’s at odds with how I see myself now. When I talk with people about Judaism, do I acknowledge my Bar Mitzvah and out myself, or do I say I had a Bat Mitzvah and rewrite part of my life? When a coworker talks about buying suits or ties, do I chime in with memories of my experiences, or do I stay silent? Do I ask my parents to take down pictures from the first two decades of my life? To wipe clean the time before I was 22 or 23? To cover the mirrors which reflect the parts of myself I don’t always want to remember, don’t always want to see?
From Trans Form, my December 2009 show (emphasis added)
Uncovering the Mirrors postcard
My upcoming show is called Uncovering the Mirrors. It’s a reference to the bolded line above, sure, but more broadly it’s a reference to how one holds shiva (a mourning gathering in Judaism): “It is proper to cover the mirrors in the shiva house [because] a mourner is striving to ignore his/her own physicality and vanity in order to concentrate on the reality of being a soul.”
The “mirror” in my performances is a metaphor for something. In Trans Form, it was a metaphor for “the parts of myself I don’t always want to remember.” That is, the “male” parts of me that I was trying to get away from.
The title Uncovering the Mirrors, though, speaks to a desire to not cover up or hide. And so, recently, I’ve been trying to figure out what, exactly, that mirror is.
Earlier this week, Feministe had a post titled My Sluthood, Myself. Its author, Jaclyn, talks about how casual sexual encounters have become a healthy and positive part of her life:
But it didn’t really matter [if the encounters were worth repeating]. Because sluthood isn’t an action, it’s a state of mind.
I’m telling you this because sluthood saved me. Sluthood gave me the time and space to nurse a shattered heart. It gave me a place where I could exist in pieces, some of me craving touch, some of me still too tender to even expose to the light. Sluthood healed the part of me that felt my body and my desires were grotesque after two years in a libido-mismatched partnership. Now I felt hot, wanted, powerful. My desire and enthusiasm was an asset, not an unintended weapon. Even now, with more time passed, now, when I am actually ready for and wanting a more emotional connection, sluthood keeps me centered. It keeps me from confusing desire and affection with something deeper. It means I have another choice besides celibacy and settling. It means I won’t enter another committed relationship just to satisfy my basic need for sex and affection. It gives me more choices, it makes room for relationships to evolve organically, to take the shape they will before anyone defines them.
It’s quite a read, and I highly recommend it.
I’ve been experimenting with Vimeo, as opposed to YouTube, for hosting my video files. It’ s not as widespread as YouTube, but is much more artist-focused and (I’m told) has nice tools and a community around sharing one’s work (rather than sharing cat videos).
As part of that exprimentation, I figured I’d embed the same video from Vimeo and YouTube and see how it came out. Continue reading 'Using Vimeo'»
Some links and fun videos for ‘ya. Hope everyone enjoyed their Sunday!
The Homophobia Keeper – Homophobia in literature (particularly in sci fi and fantasy)
deviance, rape culture, and the courtroom – In cases where one is accused of rape, how does the presumption of innocence shape public perception differently than in other crimes?
The Complexity of Fluid Dynamics in Slow Motion – Warning! Objectification of women! (I don’t like myself for liking that link as much as I do…)
Schrodinger’s Rapist – I really like this post, and have used the concept to explain to some of my male friends how I view men differently now that I’ve transitioned, and am more aware of presenting myself as a woman.
Now for a funny video. She’s not actually bad looking to begin with, which is frustrating, but it’s still amusing.
Last night, I went on a bit of an adventure. First, I went to see Queertopia again at About Face. It’s part of their youth theatre program, and is very much worth seeing. I went with some of my high school students (though a bunch who said they were going to come didn’t show up…) and it was great being able to expose my students to very different work that other kids their own ages are doing.
Then, I met up with a friend for her trolley party.
Not a great picture, but undeniable proof of trolley-hood
I’m not totally sure why she was having a trolley party – I think a friend of hers was in from out of town, which is as good an excuse as any – but a bunch of people I knew from Northwestern were also there. One of whom hadn’t seen me since I’d transitioned, and clearly didn’t remember who I was.
Circumcisions. Bar Mitzvahs. Mourning ceremonies.
My whole life, I have been in search of a way to validate my identity through ceremony and ritual. I recognize the importance of
Some – my circumcision, my Bar Mitzvah – were imposed by a religion and a culture to which I did not voluntarily join. They established my gender as something existing outside of myself, and yet integral to myself: there wasn’t anything I could do to deviate from its course, or reject its structure.
Some were my early own attempts at discovering what worked for me. Burning papers with my male name. Throwing out male clothing. Writing a blog to record my thoughts, feelings, and emotions throughout my transition. Using performance and theatre as a way to tell my story.
Heya! I’ve attached two drafts for the front of my postcard (as well to use as a poster). I’d love thoughts. I feel like the draft 2 is a bit too busy, but I do want to find a way to include one of my (awesome) press quotes. Please let me know what you think!
Uncovering the Mirrors, draft 1
Uncovering the Mirrors, draft 2
This is the letter of resignation I sent in today. I talked with my boss after our staff meeting, and he said he was “sad, but not surprised.” I’ll be phasing out my time at work over the next 1-2 months to train my (yet-to-be-hired) successor. I’m super terrified and excited (lots more to come on that) and apologize for not having written much lately. This is a big part of why.
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
[Dear boss]
It is with regret that I submit this letter of resignation for the position of General Manager, even though I look forward to the opportunities ahead. My time at [work] has not been without its ups and downs, but I have learned an unspeakable amount and found much more pleasure working at [work] than frustration.
Ultimately, I am leaving to pursue my own artistic passions. Working at [work] full time while attempting to give myself the artistic room and focus I need has been extremely difficult. In the end, it has been unsustainable, forcing me to choose between an organization and a community about which I care deeply, and creating work of my own.
It has not been an easy decision to come to, and I can only hope it is the right one.
Continue reading 'I quit!'»
This is a movement piece based on the emotional experience of my Bar Mitzvah. The prompt from my choreographer was to find and distill specific moments from pre/mid/post Bar Mitzvah, and essentialize them into movement phrases. Enjoy!
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