Therapissed off
Late last week, I had a session with the doctor who is prescribing my citalopram. It’s only the second time I’ve seen him, and he’s a nice guy. However, he’s (self-admittedly) ignorant of trans issues, so I’ve had to do more explaining and defining in sessions with him than with Laura, my primary therapist.
I was telling him about my frustrations with my dad, and explaining how his use of the wrong names and pronouns really hurts me. The doctor’s response was, basically, “So?”
Now, I understand the importance of not letting the little things get to you. And that’s basically what he was saying: If my dad is at least giving lip-service support to my transition (which he is) why focus on the area(s) where he’s failing?
But that response really frustrated me, and I ultimately told my doctor that we’d have to agree to disagree. That my dad’s moderate and mediocre support of my transition actually made his ultimate lack of support all the more difficult to deal with. And it was a situation where I really felt othered as a trans person, attempting to explain to this white, cis, privileged doctor how my dad’s lack of respect was affecting me and my relationship with him. I made the comparison of having a black partner, and there being a limit to how much racist commentary I could stand from a family member. (Not that I think any family member would cause any problems, but hypothetically.) Again, my doctor said, “Yeah, but you can’t control how someone else acts.”
Right, but I can acknowledge that their behavior is bullshit, and tell them I don’t want to put up with it.
(I always feel obligated to note my own privilege when commenting on the privilege of others. Because I do have privilege: white, educated, so-called “passing” privilege. But those don’t negate trans-misogyny, even though they might mitigate it.)
Themocracy
I can’t believe (well, I can, but you know) that a therapist replies to bullshit behavior like misgendering from a close family member with “So?” How ignorant. Or “Yeah, but you can’t control how someone else acts.” What kind of attitude is that for a therapist to have? Ugh, I’m sorry you have to deal with that!
Thanks – I am too. Fortunately, I only have to see him every ~6 months to chat about meds. And I don’t want to paint him in a completely negative light, just a very ignorant one…
Well, clearly what the therapist was responding to was your obvious desire to telepathically control the thoughts and actions of others!
…or something.
Obviously! My wish for psychic mind beams is so unreasonable. I should settle for some lesser power, like invisibility or the ability to increase a cup size by wiggling my nose.
Serendipity, indeed. This evening, I decided to check on that last post I commented on… (No, nothing interesting) Only to notice the topic of this post!
When I got out of hospital, I was talking to my therapist about this and that. I mentioned that my Mom didn’t like the idea of me seeing a therapist. He said “So?”
A little later I told of my Dad’s reaction when he found out I was transgendered. My Dad didn’t like it. He sat on my sofa and told me to “stop it!” My therapist said “So?”
This was behind my previous comment re when it comes to changing others, the only who can change is the one demanding a change in the other. My therapists point was that I can’t change my parents, so the only who can change is me. I did. I won’t say it was easy. No ma’am, it wasn’t that.
Why is your Dad’s cooperation, support, so important? (That’s not rhetorical, and I do not expect a reply.) Does it really matter if he doesn’t do what you want him to do? (I think it’s fairly clear he isn’t going to do what you want.)
RMJ is wrong, the doctor is right. You really can’t control how others will react. Different therapists have different ways of addressing those issues; some are less abrasive, for instance.
It’s not like living with someone of a different color. Not at all. (I’d be careful with that analogy; I know a couple who would be quite offended by your comparison.) Have you ever thought of how your father might perceive your life? I mean, really thought about it? Not from your view point, but putting yourself in his shoes and thinking about how he might feel? And if you have – does it really matter *to you*?
Harsh words? Perhaps. They are offered in good faith. I hope you will take them in that spirit.
Carolyn Ann
I appreciate your perspective. There is truth to what you’re saying, but it doesn’t negate my pain at his difficulty.
First, you’re undoubtedly right: there are people who would be offended by my analogy. But I stand by it, to the extent that someone can be raised to think racist thoughts, to honestly believe them, and it doesn’t make those thoughts true or right. I’ve absolutely tried – with mixed success – to put myself in my father’s shoes. He’s having to deal with lost expectations, with the pain of having something so hidden in a relationship, with having cherished pre-divorce memories of his son being denied by that same child.
This may be a really subtle distinction, but I feel empathy toward him, just not sympathy.
His cooperation is important because I’d like to recapture some of the ease and love our relationship had before he divorced my mom. His cooperation is important because I see so much of myself – my humor, my intelligence, my analytic personality – coming from him, and I value that immensely. His cooperation is important because he’s supportive of non-transition-related issues in so many ways, so this becomes a constant, niggling irritation. His cooperation is important to me because I’m so spoiled by being able to let my guard down around the people who care about me, to not have to think about being trans, that having to place my guard back up around him is that much more tiring.
His cooperation is important to me because I want him to solely be a comfort when he visits me in the hospital, not a comfort laced with thorns.
I’ve been following this and the other post. I have to say, I think you are right to be annoyed, Rebecca. For the simple reason that while no, we cannot control the behaviours of others, it is entirely reasonable to expect others who care about us to make changes to their behaviour in order to show they care and to live up to the commitments they make. There is no imperitive on them to do so, but there is an obligation born of a close and familial bond to at least try to find a compromise or way forward that does so. Anything else is to argue that all the responsibility to compromise lies on one side, that you are obliged to accept your father’s failure to try, the way his behaviour affects you, but that he has no obligation to you whatsoever, neither for how he makes you feel nor how he behaves.
In the context that you are talking about, his failure to pronoun and resepct your gender, this is in effect to argue that a trans person’s self, their life, as so far outside what is acceptable as to render ideas of compromise and acceptance so problematic that one should only seek it in abject humiliation and contrition and should not ever be upset when that is promised but not lived up to.
This is wrong. This is prejudiced. The doctor is wrong because the doctor is placing all the responsibility for the realtionship on you, Rebecca, and saying “you adjust your expectations, you can’t ask someone else to change”. Anyone who says you are wrong to be angry when your father fails to live up to promises and negotiated agreements within your relationship, especially if they only say that about issues to do with you being trans, is not only wrong but placing a massively cissexist slant on the relationship. Those saying “You can’t change him, imagine how he feels? Adjust your expectations of him” are basically saying that you have to change your expectations of him, but he does not have to change his of you. It’s a one sided view that doesn’t add up for me.
In short. You totally have the right to expect people to change if they have indicated they will do so and to hold them to account when they fail.
I can’t help but suspect that people telling you that you should just put up and shut up would not do so quite so readily if he was being difficult over some other issue, I can’t help but suspect they would encourage you to stick to your guns more.
I also agree with you that the therapist totally failed to understand the importance of pronouns from a position of privilege. They are not just words. They encapsulate everything to do with whether someone is really accepting your gender identity. I also agree that partial and unenthusiastic support is incedibly frustrating and in some ways worse than outright rejection. It gives most of the problems of rejection but is used to remove all the responsibility for them – “But I’m trying!” becomes a get out of jail free card for basically not trying.
I couldn’t disagree more, Maddie. And no: my opinion would not change for some other subject. It might soften, or harden, depending on the topic – but it doesn’t change. Considering that Rebecca’s situation, and life, are actually none of our business, I’ll dive right in.
Rebecca has provided an opening to discuss something that is, I suspect, relevant to many younger transwomen. (This is not to exclude any other labelled identities, or the not-so-young.)
Relationships with our parents are often fraught; they provide a lot of business for therapists! Relationships between parents and adult children are often good. Sometimes, however, they’re destructive, adversarial or just not what we would like.
The facts, as Rebecca has conveyed them:
- Rebecca is an adult, making her own way through her life
- She has an issue with her father; the roots of that issue are, it seems, a little more complex, and intertwined, than she has directly suggested
- A doctor provided some advice she was uncomfortable with and uncertain about
Rebecca would like her father to change; she has indicated that she would like to recapture some aspects of their prior relationship. I don’t know if her father made any commitment to accept Rebecca changes; I do know that all she can do is try and persuade him to do so.
No one has any obligation to change; even if they’ve made such a commitment. This isn’t to excuse anyone making such a commitment, but it’s a simple fact of life: no one has an obligation to change to suit anyone else. Making a commitment to change, and not following through is either unfortunate or foolish (often both), but that’s all it is. Her father has no actual obligation to do anything; she, likewise has no obligation to him. He’s clearly not doing much, but that’s his decision, not Rebecca’s. As I say, she can try to influence him, but that’s about it.
Would you have the opposite of your argument, Maddie? You should, to be consistent. In which case, Rebecca has an obligation to her father to do as he wants her to do! I’m not sure, but I’d guess that wouldn’t be what she wants from her life. The obligations between parents and children are there by mutual agreement; whether that agreement is willing or forced on one side or the other is a different question. Whether it’s agreed by both parties is relevant. If it isn’t, what can the other do? Ultimately, nothing.
The doctor is not placing any of the responsibility for the relationship on her. If anything his suggestion is removing a(n arguably) false sense of responsibility and obligation. He merely made a suggestion. Do we go through life worrying what our parents think of us? I don’t, I can guarantee that.
It’s clearly a difficult situation for Rebecca; you and I, Maddie, are just busybodies inserting ourselves where we have no business. Ultimately it’s something that Rebecca has to resolve for herself (or not; it’s her life); her father is, clearly, not providing much, if any, assistance. At the very least, he hasn’t rejected her; on the other hand, he’s not making it easy for her. Rebecca has indicated that this problem with her father goes well beyond any transgender issues; it’s definitely something she has to resolve for herself. Or not, as I say. Considering that her father isn’t doing anything to change, perhaps the only person who can change is Rebecca?
Rebecca, my apologies if any of this upsets you, or strays into arenas that aren’t open to the public.
I try to remember that good intentions pave the road to hell. I sincerely hope my fair intentions aren’t providing any mortar for that astoundingly grand avenue.
Regardless of anything else I think you’ve misconstued what I said. Short points:
It’s not either/or, relationships are two way streets with responsibilities and offerings on both sides. Sometimes ultimatums. Sometimes we are quite entitled to place expectations on them.
I don’t think you should put words into Rebecca’s mouth in order to argue a point with me.
Additionally you might like to consider that I may well be making my point and stating my support for Rebecca from a position of having had the same issue with a family member.
No, I didn’t misconstrue your words. I simply disagree with some (most) of your points. I agree that a relationship is a two-way street (I haven’t said anything different); I disagree that this imposes any obligation upon either party.
I have no obligation to my parents, they have no obligation to me. There’s sometimes an assumption of obligation, but that’s all it is: an assumption. Even if we lived in a society that considers parental authority to be sacrosanct, I would argue the same.
Although this has little (nothing?) to do with anything here: I’m libertarian, and do think we’re all responsible for our own lives. We may not be responsible for everything in our lives, but we are responsible for how we conduct ourselves. Our parents aren’t, beyond trying to provide us with a foundation to make decisions as we become adults. I love the irony that this automatically imposes restrictions on any supposed obligations!
I also think Rebecca’s experience shows how futile it can be trying to force someone to change. All we can ever do is persuade and influence the change we desire.
I sincerely hope I didn’t speak for Rebecca; if I did, it was entirely inadvertent, and I apologize for any such occurrence.
Sometimes, when we’re going through something especially painful, we often (always?) fail to see the forest we’re in. I know it took quite an effort for me to perceive my forest. I found the answer in “So?” Because I can’t change others – so the only person who could change was the only one I had control over: myself.
If you are seriously arguing that interpersonal relationships carry no responsibility at all and that we cannot ask for anyone to live up to their stated commitments. Then yes, we fundamentally disagree. And I’m glad we do.
I’ll also say this more clearly as you chose to ignore it: please stop attacking my view as if it is simply an interesting political point. I’m talking about how I have dealt with the same issue in my life and I am not interested in debating how a libertarian philosophy sees my personal experience, thanks all the same.
A few things. First, I’m putting my life situation out there in part to prompt discussion.
As to my issues with my dad, yes, they stem from more than just my transition. But I don’t think that alters the basics of this discussion.
That is, I agree with you, Carlyn Ann, that we should all strive to focus on our own contentment and comfort with ourselves, not worry about what others think of us or how they act.
But that requires a saintly amount of patience and understanding that I don’t think I can posses. And saying “I’m not going to let my dad’s actions hurt me” is very different than saying “I’m not going to approve of my dad’s actions.” I think the former and the latter are absolutely compatible.
Concerning familial obligation, I think we’re going to have to agree to disagree. I would say a certain amount of obligation exists in family relationships, even though that obligation can be lessened (or zeroed out entirely) based on negative actions by family members. But being a libertarian – and advocating personal responsibility – is a whole ‘nother ballgame from saying people who aren’t living up to their personal responsibility shouldn’t be held accountable. To whit, my dad has acknowledged that he has some amount of responsibility to me, through his words and actions, and I’m saying he isn’t living up to those responsibilities. If he just wrote me off, told me to stay out of his life, that would certainly be painful but it would at least be consistent. For him to say “I support you” while failing to act supportive is the frustration I’m currently dealing with.
Maddie, I’m sincerely sorry that me being me is upsetting for you! I truly am. I do look at the philosophical and political implications of all sorts of things. It’s just who I am.
Writing my point, Rebecca and Maddie, was a moment’s whimsy. This isn’t to say I don’t abide by the ideas I stated; I do, to a point many might find astounding. But it was a mere moment of whimsy; I should have refrained, but didn’t take the time to think about it.
I am not arguing that personal relationships do not carry any responsibility, Maddie. I am arguing they are devoid of obligation. They are not free of any sense of obligation, however. I simply differentiate the two points. That you are glad you have a different understanding of relationships isn’t for me to comment on.
It doesn’t take a saint, Rebecca; all you have to be is alive. It doesn’t imply a lack of caring, or love. There’s no guarantee that relationships won’t be frustrating. Sometimes people say they’ll be supportive, and they turn out not to be. That’s life, sorry. Sometimes people, especially family, think they’re being supportive, and they’re actually a reasonable facsimile of an exploding nuclear weapon. Sometimes people want to be supportive, but other aspects of the relationship, such as its history, get in the way of their ability to provide the promised support. Occasionally, someone delivers on their promise of support. That’s rarer than you might think! My point is you can only count on yourself. People promise all sorts of things; people often promise what they can’t deliver. It’s just part and parcel of life. Disappointment and frustration are the wrapping to that parcel. That’s why “So?” is so important.
In the end, and in my experience, we are left with two options: live with that which upsets us, or try to influence that person to change. No one can mandate change in another. I am not, by the way, suggesting that anyone accept whatever it is that is upsetting, or pretend that it’s not upsetting. If someone tells me I have an obligation to someone because they’re family – they’re likely to find I don’t agree. But I’m stubborn, and have been told I’m quite “cold” on the topic. (Does this make me wrong? No. I simply have a different view; how I got there isn’t relevant.)
We will, clearly, have to agree to disagree re familial obligations. I obviously haven’t made it clear that my opinion has been reinforced by experience. I didn’t consider it necessary; clearly I was wrong. It’s not something I’m willing to discuss, beyond noting that this is not an entirely intellectual exercise for me. (This is, clearly, not to imply it’s anything of the sort for you!)
The one thing I am reminded of is that we don’t get to pick our families.
I’m sorry. I really have a lot to do, and have to get on with it. Please excuse me if I don’t respond to this discussion in a timely fashion.
I certainly don’t find “you being you” upsetting.
I do think you are engaging in logic chopping and trying to make this into a confrontational, either/or, objective argument: we must 100% agree or therefore we 100% disagree with you. Rather than it being shades of overlapping and nuanced opinion on something for which all answers are subjective and necessarily based on personal experience.
That’s something you are doing, not who you are.
Sorry – one point I forgot to make.
Isn’t it inconsistent to say “I will do what I want with my life”, and yet demand that someone else do what you want them to, or wish they would, do?
Common decency obliges [sorry...] me to mention that I wrote about this topic, and about Rebecca’s blog posts in particular.
It’s an interesting, and important, topic. It has some unseen implications, and it’s definitely something I’ve spent a lot of time – years – thinking about.
I wish you luck, Rebecca and Maddie, in resolving your individual distress. It might come across as trite, but I’ll say it anyway: no one promised life would be easy, and yesterday was the easy day. Those two sentiments helped me through a very difficult period of my life. I sincerely wish you the best as you go through what is clearly a difficult time for each of you.
I’m not happy with how the tone of this discussion has progressed. I think everyone has expressed their view – and them some – and I am closing further comments on this post. If there is something else that absolutely needs to be said, email me about it.