A partially obscured shot of a female face. How original for a book dealing with a trans character...

I just finished reading Almost Perfect, a young adult novel about a high school senior, Logan, who falls for a girl, Sage, that he eventually learns is trans. It’s well-written and believable, told from the first-person perspective of Logan, and does a good job of being injecting humor without being light or unrealistic. As someone who is a trans fiction aficionado, it was very refreshing to find a trans main character in a book that isn’t sensationalist or belittling. Or overly optimistic and picture-perfect.

There will be spoilers beyond this point, so consider yourself warned. If you’re looking for a recommendation, I would definitely recommend Almost Perfect. But a title like that should tell you that it has an ending which is – at best – bittersweet.

I read the book in one sitting, picking it up from the library earlier tonight and putting it down just now. It was very much a roller-coaster of a tale, with Logan’s conflict over Sage’s gender pushing him away from her, while his friendship with and desire for her pulls him closer. And I have a very strong suspicion that if they had ended up together in the end, I would have called the book unrealistic and creating a falsely positive view of what being outed as trans can mean.

At the same time, I really wanted Logan and Sage to end up together.

All to often, trans fiction acknowledges the difficulties of being trans only to ultimately wrap everything up in a picture-perfect bow. Caitlyn’s Tale comes to mind as an easy example, along with countless semi- or explicitly-pornographic works.

Almost Perfect was ultimately satisfying because it didn’t gloss over the difficulties of being trans, or of being confronted with one’s own prejudice about gender and sexuality. Logan reacted really poorly when Sage came out to him, reacted poorly again when they almost hooked up, again when they did hook up, again when… (you get the picture). The book respectfully told the story of a boy who had never given gender a second thought, and was forced to confront feelings he didn’t like within himself. (Initially, his attraction to Sage, but ultimately, by trying to confront his embarrassment and repulsion.)

And yes, it’s more realistic for Logan and Sage not to end up with each other. First, they’re only in high school, and I’m always skeptical of high school romances working out in fiction. On top of that, the huge issue of Sage’s trans status in small-town Missouri. I think all of the decisions made by all of the characters throughout Almost Perfect are realistic and believable.

Bla bla bla. I really wanted Logan and Sage to end up together.

The ending of this book set me off onto a nice long crying jag, and not simply because Logan and Sage didn’t end up together. I cried because Sage got badly beaten near the end of the book, and it caused her to drastically doubt herself. I don’t want to doubt myself. I cried because of the unresolved trouble Sage had with her father at the end of the book. I so badly want my own dad to stop hurting me and protect his little girl. I cried because Almost Perfect simultaneously highlighted how difficult Sage’s transition was for those around her and how that difficulty was not her responsibility. I hate causing others inconvenience, and am convinced my transition is nothing but a big bother for those around me, even though I know that’s not true.

From near the end of the book:

We all hated ourselves. Me, Mr. Hendricks, Tammi, and I was sure, Sage. The perverse thing was, none of us had really been all that greedy or self-absorbed. Sage’s father, cruel as he was, just wanted his son back. Tammi just wanted a sister. I wanted a “normal” girlfriend. And Sage – all she wanted was to be herself.

I cried because I really didn’t want to hear that right now. I want to be right, to see the world in black-and-white, to feel like my anger and frustration with my dad is justified, unequivocally and without nuance. I cried because I want to be a “normal” girl, and don’t get to have that. I cried because Sage started transitioning so much earlier than I did and – sure enough – still regretted not starting earlier.

Most heartbreaking of all, I think, was Sage’s slowly-shattering facade of happiness. I relate to that so completely, I who trained myself to smile more frequently because it seemed more feminine. I’m scared of making myself vulnerable, lest I be cracked, and I’m scared of not, lest I rot from the inside.

This post has obviously drifted a bit far afield from simply reviewing Almost Perfect. I’ll finish by saying that I do think it’s an important addition to the trans fiction cannon, and unique for being both a young adult novel and not written from the perspective of the trans individual. I do think it does attempt to build dramatic tension too steeply, with lots of “But when I learned her secret, it would change everything” style sentences. But it’s a young adult novel, so I’m willing to forgive the author for his bluntness.

But I really want to see some well-written, mainstream, nuanced trans fiction with a happy ending. It seems like the trans fiction that’s out there – what little that there is – either has everything end poorly or saccharine-sweet. I want a middle ground: something that won’t leave me in tears, while still acknowledging that life is difficult. I want to be able to see myself in the characters I’m following without expecting things to either be saved via a deus ex machina or fall apart slowly and painfully.

Because if I can’t find a believable happy ending in fiction, it sometimes feels unlikely that I’ll find one for myself.

(A final PS – reading from 10PM to 3:30AM straight undoubtedly didn’t help my mental health. I’m sure things will look better in the morning…)