Sex and sensibility: thinking about attraction
The obligatory 'queer sexuality' symbol
A while back, beo_shaffer asked how I feel (sexually) about “people with non-binary gender [and] about other transsexuals?” I’ve been thinking a lot about it since then, and realized I don’t have a quick-and-easy answer. So I’m going to use this post to talk about beo’s question, but also to more broadly consider my own sexuality.
I identify as a lesbian. And I think, to some extent, that means I’m saying that binary genders are important to me sexually. Or, at the very least, that I perceive people within binary gender categories, even though politically I don’t think we should see people that way and it’s something I’ve tried to overcome when I notice myself doing it.
At the same time, I do find the idea of penetration to be a turn on. I know penetration is not an inherently heterosexual act, but I’ve been exposed to 25+ years of heteronormative culture and I do associate the two to some extent. While I’m coming to understand a much wider (and healthier) concept of sexuality – one not so penis-in-vagina-centric – most erotica I’ve read has been heterosexual. Mainly because I can’t find reliably good lesbian erotica. (Suggestions welcome!) And while I’ve never found a specific man to be attractive, the theoretical idea of being with a man sexually is interesting to me. (Probably due in no small part to the copious amounts of erotica I’ve read over the years…)
To put it another way, I feel like I’d probably be a five on the Kinsey Scale – I could imagine having fun in a heterosexual sexual experience, but it’s not what primarily ‘does it’ for me.
But how does that tie into non-binary sexuality? In mulling this idea over, I’ve come to a few realizations. (All of these conclusions are simply from attempts to think things through, not from lived experience, so it’s entirely possible that I’d react differently when presented with a real situation.)
First, I’m pretty sure secondary sex characteristics are more important to me than primary. That is, I think I would be more attracted to a pre- or non-op trans woman than I would to a pre- or non-op trans man. More bluntly, the idea of being sexual with a woman with a penis seems more interesting than being sexual with a man with a vagina.
But there are lots more ways to be “non-binary” than simply being trans. However, I’m not sure if I’m really attracted to genderqueer or androgynous or identities or presentations that similarly reject the binary in a really strong way. Edit: Bond’s comments below made me reconsider how I’m phrasing this. I think a better way of saying it is “…identities or presentations that exist far outside of societal expectations of heteronormative and binary gender expression.”
Which isn’t to say I don’t support those identities, or agree with their validity. But I don’t think they ‘do it’ for me, either.
I also think that my sexuality has shifted over the course of my transition, though somewhat gently. That is, when presenting as male, the idea of having sex with “another” man did very little for me. Now that I’m presenting as female, I find the idea a lot more exciting, even though it still ranks below having sex with other women.
Have you noticed your sexuality change over the course of transitioning? Or, if you aren’t trans (or aren’t transitioning) have you noticed your sexuality change over the course of your life?
Themocracy
Don’t know if it’s up your alley, but: Sugarbutch. And I think I’ve suggested the Crash Pad Series to you before, but I’ll suggest it again.
This is maybe a kind of subtle distinction, but as a person with a nonbinary gender, I don’t like how this frames the way nonconforming identities relate to the binary. I don’t feel like my gender presentation rejects the binary, strongly or otherwise. My gender just exists, and happens to not conform to the heteronormative framework. What actually happens is that the binary rejects me in a really strong way.
Thanks for the recs! Although I also really enjoy good written erotica. Any advice there?
Concerning how I phrased genderqueer or androgynous identities (or other identities that are nonbinary) I apologize for stepping on your toes. To clarify, do you mean that your identity doesn’t reject the binary because it’s not opposed to the binary, but rather exists in a different gender paradigm? That makes sense to me and – if it is what you’re getting at – I’ll edit the post to reflect that.
SBC was my written erotica suggestion.
That is more or less what I mean. I think it normalizes & essentializes the binary to say that nonconforming genders necessarily reject it. It implies that my gender exists in because of the binary and insists that my gender be in a constant state of response to it. This places the agency and the responsibility in nonbinary folks’ hands, as if we’re the ones doing any rejecting. As I said above, it’s actually the gender system that rejects us.
Put another way, I’m not gender-nonconforming because I reject the gender binary. I’m nonconforming because I’m a butch lesbian. Many totally gender-normative folks politically reject the binary and that doesn’t make them gender nonconforming. When those things get conflated, it’s a small step to framing gender deviance as political activism — which ultimately frames gender nonconformity as a choice.
I’ll reexamine SBC
And I’ve edited my original post. Does that seem less presumptuous? Thanks for calling me out.
Yes. Thank you!
And let me know how the erotica search goes.
I’ve found that being genderqueer means I’m basically incompatible with anyone who isn’t at least bi, if not more queer (not that it’s stopped me from trying, in the past, it just didn’t work at all)… personally I’m attracted to binary-women more than binary-men, but gender nonconformists more than either. I’m not sure how much of that is finding mixing hot and how much is just liking People Like Me, but in the end what I like to look at turns out not to matter very much–I have relationships with people, not with bodies.
Since I’ve been transitioning I’ve found that the idea of being with a man is actually more attractive to me now than the idea of being with a woman. I also am still very attracted to other people with non-binary genders.
Thanks for sharing. My therapist tells me that isn’t too uncommon, but I’ve still found it a bit disconcerting to have thought of myself one way in terms of sexuality and realize that’s changing a bit.
It is disconcerting, partly because of the “common sense” narrativising of trans women as all going straight after hormones. Which effects all of us negatively, I think, because there’s a certain kind of compulsion there (eg my gatekeeper.. sorry, therapist.. said something about it, like cheers for that). But yeah, my attraction hasn’t really changed too much.
What *has* changed is my relation to labels and communities. Exhaustion from cis GLB bullshit has meant I no longer feel particularly a part of any greater queer community (which I was pre transition), and I don’t actually identify as anything per se (though I am in a lesbian relationship).
Thanks for getting back to me. Sorry if this is a bit confused(I’m writing way later than I should be) but I have a quick follow up question. For fluid non-binarys does what mode they currently presenting as matter? For example would you(potentaily) be attracted to someone who’s presenting as fully female and considers themself to be a woman, at that instant, even if they will be a man in the future?
I’m not sure. I think I’d be open to that, assuming it was with the right person, but I really don’t know how I’d react. That type of gender-fluidity is a little outside of my realm of experience, so I don’t think I have a a good frame of reference.
Yes to sugarbutch!
The Best Lesbian Erotica series, edited by Tristan Taormino, is also really amazing.
I got here via Shakesville, and wanted to mention those
Sugarbutch changed my life–aside from the excellent erotica, the posts about gender theory have really helped me think critically about gender and sexuality and deal with my own 
Hia Casey! Thanks for stopping by. I’ve been exploring Sugarbutch (and need to do some more reading) and I’ll also check out the book you recommended.
I think from listening to others that transition changes people’s sexuality mostly in terms of their a) sex drive and b) comfort with experimentation and their own bodies.
My own experience is that hormonal transition has not affected my degree or direction of attraction to others, while making me much more interested in masturbating.
I think it’s somewhat interesting that I hear about women going through menopause sometimes experiencing more attraction to women.
There’s queer centered erotica at nifty.bunkhouse.com/nifty. Also, some of the erotica at goodvibrations is queer, including genderqueer in a non-fetishist way.
That makes a lot of sense. Transitioning gives people the opportunity (and often the impetus) to think about their gender and sexuality in a way most people don’t.
And thanks for the links! My issue with the Nifty archives has always been their (lack of) organization. But I’ll definitely check out goodvibrations.
That’s interesting. I have the exact opposite. I’m in a heterosexual (cis female/cis male) relationship, but I don’t feel turned on at all by the idea of having sex with males in general. I used to identify as a lesbian for this reason before I was attracted to my boyfriend (this was before I was even aware of trans/non-binary identities). Now I don’t identify with any sexual orientation because I can’t figure things out.
Thanks for the comment, Astrid! Ultimately, I think the pressure to identify as a specific sexual orientation (or gender) doesn’t help us is individuals, even though it’s such a big cultural expectation. There’s definitely something to be said for finding an identity that fits – I certainly feel that way about a lot of the identities I choose to label myself as – but I think not finding that one specific label should also be OK. Not that it’s easy, but I wish it were easier.
In any event, thanks for sharing your experiences.