Who gets to out you?
One of my roommates, Alice, had a friend over last night, Bob. The three of us were joking about Passover and Easter, and how none of us really practice what are ostensibly our respective religions. Alice was saying that she attended church enough at her (Catholic) middle school, so doesn’t need to attend now: she’s built up a quota. Bob replied, “Nope. You’re going to hell.” (He was joking. Don’t worry.) I laughed and said, “Well, I’ll be there too: I’m Jewish.”
Bob, chuckling, gestured to me and said, “Right. He’s going to hell because he doesn’t acknowledge the big JC…” And continued talking, using the incorrect pronoun, to the point where I started to wonder if he maybe wasn’t referring to me; most people catch themselves earlier than Bob did.
But no, I finally had to correct him, “She. Not he.”
He apologized, corrected himself, and the conversation moved on. Shortly thereafter I left and went to bed.
And realized I’d never actually told Bob I was trans.
I asked Alice about it today, and she verified that she had told him at some point. I’ve never given my friends any sort of policy on this, because it’s never really occurred to me that I should. I’m so surrounded by people who knew me before I transitioned that I sort of assume people know I’m trans. (Perhaps to the detriment of my confidence in being perceived as a woman.) Alice also said she was 100% fine if I said she shouldn’t tell people I’m trans – she hadn’t really thought about it before either, but she’d definitely respect my decision if that’s what I tell her to do.
The conversation made me remember that my other roommate, Carl, (stick with the naming convention, people!) has also outed me to at least one friend of his. Carl’s friend never had the pronoun issues Bob did, so I never really gave the matter much thought, but now I’m rethinking it.
I don’t like that I care, but I do care. For someone who does performance art about her trans identity, who hands out postcards proclaiming in the show description that she’s trains, I still want that information and that part of my identity to feel like it’s under my control.
So how do I handle this? The cat’s out of the bag, so to speak, but I can definitely tell my roommates how I feel. Should I go so far as to send out an email to all my friends? That seems kind of extreme. Should I give some sort of guidelines? I feel silly emailing…
“If it’s relevant to the conversation, you’re allowed to out me.
Good: Oh, you do performance art about your abusive father? My roommate does performance art about her identity as a trans woman!
Bad: I live with Carl, who likes watching sports on TV, and Becca, who’s a transsexual.
How have other people handled this situation, when you’re out but still want some control over how others are allowed to out you?
Themocracy
[...] has posted about something that has also affected me… I was writing a reply to her post but it got [...]
Short version of my post ^^:
Rebecca? You send that email, you have totally the right to specify this to your friends!
Thanks, Maddie. I’ve had a chance to read your post, and I agree. (And, to others, if you haven’t read it yet, and this is a topic that interests you? You should read Maddie’s post.) I need to figure out how to do this – and I’m actually having lunch with Alice today, so I’ll talk to her about it then – but I will be telling (reminding?) friends that my trans identity belongs to me.
I think your email sounds just fine, and I don’t think you need to be embarrassed by it at all.
If they can understand on an intellectual level that being trans exposes you to danger and humiliation, and that it’s tied to a bunch of pretty intimate emotional and medical information, then they can understand on an intellectual level that you should control its dissemination.
I ended up sending an email that was a bit more in-depth, but I am glad I sent something at all. I’ll post the email text in the next day or so, when I have a minute to write a bit more about the experience.
[...] did end up sending an email to my friends, along the lines of what I discussed in this post: Hey [...]
Since this is not information I generally share with people, usually people who know that I’m trans, know that it’s private information.
But it kind of depends what community I’m in. For instance, I transitioned at work; it’s okay with me if somebody there tells a new employee. Or, I’m out to my family and so it’s okay if one family member tells another (not that they would, they don’t like to talk about it).
But within most of the communities that I belong to, I’ve never come out to the group, only to individuals, and since I came out to them in private conversations, that really helps to make it clear that it is a private thing I’m mentioning.
For me, if somebody outed me in certain contexts, I would lose my place in those communities. I have a big stake in not being outed, and that’s part of why I never invite my family to meet my new friends, etc.
Some segregation of identity by community totally makes sense. That said, I’m not worried about losing my place in a certain community, just wanting to feel like I have some amount of control over how my identity is presented. (In addition to the safety and comfort issues.)
[...] Posted on March 30, 2010 by Maddie Rebecca has posted about something that has also affected me… I was writing a reply to her post but it got [...]