Getting past passing
Maddie at xoros.net recently wrote a post, Passing Fallacy, on the idea of passing. That is, being perceived as the gender you are presenting as, rather than your assigned-at-birth gender. I really like where she takes her definition, though:
[passing] is a struggle to over ride what others impose and imprint on you in order to win the right to assert one’s self image, one’s self. It’s trying to win the right not to be made to feel like a failure, an othered, degendered oddity. It is trying to be “convincing” enough (read – meet enough of their stereotypes) that people are prepared to accept what you say. Rather than just listening to what you say.
That idea, of passing being an issue of whose reality ‘wins,’ is the main reason I try to say “perceived as a woman” rather than “passing as a woman.” Because it turns around passing and makes it about what it really is: a problem created by the gaze-er, not the gaze-ee.
Maddie continues on a similar line, and ends her post by saying
Therefore I would like to suggest that the phrase “failed to pass” be replaced with “failed to be accorded a basic level of respect”.
While talking at a high school last week, one of the students said, “Wow, you really look like a woman.” I told him I appreciate that, as I knew he intended it as a compliment, but went on to say that comments like that can be unintentionally (or intentionally) hurtful.
I turned to the teacher and said, “Wow, you really look like a teacher! If I didn’t know any better, I’d think you really were one.” Everyone in the class laughed, but I hope I got my point across that comparing someone’s identity – as a woman, as a teacher, as a member of a religion, as whatever – to a “real” member of that group hurts. It’s belittling. It’s, as Maddie says, disrespectful.
At the same time, I think passing in my own eyes is keenly important to my confidence in my identity as a woman. That is, I’m still working on perceiving myself as a woman, even when I know those around me do perceive me that way.
The easiest example I can think of is going to the bathroom. I feel incredibly awkward in the bathroom when I’m around other women I know (and, to a lesser extent, women I don’t know) because I don’t perceive myself as a ‘real’ woman in that situation. My coworkers don’t care. My friends don’t care. I’ve had a friend who I’ve known over a decade ask if maybe I was depressed because I was PMSing (and had to remind her I don’t menstruate). I “pass,” and the people in my life afford me the respect of treating my stated gender with just as much weight and “reality” as theirs.
But I need to give that reality weight in my own eyes. To continue to travel down a road toward my own self-respect.
One of the things I’ve been trying to do toward that end is flip around my usual daydreams or mental wanderings. My tendency is to imagine how much ‘better’ things would be now if I’d only transitioned earlier. But, recently, I’ve been trying to look at my life from a different perspective: what would 8-year-old me think of my life? What about 13-year-old me? 15? 18? Even a year or two ago, what would I have thought of my life today?
That starts to give me a sense of joy about where I am today, a sense of wonder at how far I’ve come. I’m not able to keep that positive emotion for long, but occasionally I can catch it, like a guttering flame.
emotion, trans
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confidence, passing, trans
Themocracy
Lately I’ve been thinking of my what I do around people I haven’t come out to yet as ‘passing as cis male’; an act to be perceived as normal enough not to catch any crap.
I didn’t realise how much I hate that act until I found enough space to drop it sometimes.
It’s tiring! It’s trading one facade of ‘normalness’ for another. But it’s something that is really hard to get past or over, because there are issues of how we see ourselves mixed in with how the world see us.
What awesome insight. I’ve had many posts about this very issue, and as time goes by my thoughts on this continue to evolve. Even today I came to the realization that I can and have stopped “trying” to be me. I’m at a point where I feel confident nearly wherever I go, and being gendered male (when it does happen) bares little impact on my psyche. The title really speaks to me…”Getting past passing.” Thanks for writing the journey!
Thanks, Lori! And welcome – thanks for stopping by.
Wow both excellent posts. Both of you have put your finger squarely on thought that have been floating in my head for quite some time but never seemed to be able to fully explain to others.
I’ve got some blogging to do.
Regarding “I’m still working on perceiving myself as a woman, even when I know those around me do perceive me that way.”, I had a hard time with this for a while. Then I decided I would do better with just perceiving myself a person, one thing cis people talk about and seem to do is experience gender as a kind of background radiation? It’s my version of that I guess. Just be, the rest can follow in it’s time. I imagine it’s not different from growing up? You keep wondering when you’ll feel like an adult and then eventually you work out that no one feels like one and yet they still seem like they do and so do you (Which also makes your parent’s far more understandable lol).
Anyway, my feeling is, just be, the rest will come when it’s ready (and come and go again whenever you try and notice it, in my experience).
Oh! Also, it’s totally about this “Because it turns around passing and makes it about what it really is: a problem created by the gaze-er, not the gaze-ee.”. I wholeheartedly agree.
I think that’s a really useful analogy for me. For the longest time at my current job, if a friend asked me what I did I’d say, “Oh, I’m, like, the general manager. Sort of. Whatever.” Because I felt like I was faking it! It took me a long time to be able to simply say, “I’m the general manager,” without any caveats or dismissing myself. And only in the last few months have I been able to say, “I’m the general manager. And I’m fucking good at my job.” (Obviously, I don’t say that when introducing myself to patrons…)
But I think it’s a similar thing with transitioning. Right now I’m somewhere between the first and second stages, in terms of how I think of myself as a woman. And so, hopefully, one of these days I’ll have – without even noticing it – slipped into that third stage: I’m a woman, and I’m a fucking awesome woman, at that.
I try to avoid using the men’s room when guys who know that I’m trans are in there. I wonder if they might look at what I’m doing in there a little too closely- probably I’m paranoid.
Just wanted to say that I’ve been enjoying reading your blog a very great deal!
Also, I’ve heard the phrase ‘being passed’ used a few times, and rather like it. Thank you for your writing.
Thanks, Lia! Glad to have you around.