Comments on: And I Must Scream

By: The Thang Blog » Antidepressants and Chakras

The Thang Blog » Antidepressants and Chakras — Sun, 07 Feb 2010 04:47:53 +0000

[...] my appointment on Friday, I explained how I’d been feeling, i.e. not too hot. We talked about what’s been going on in my life, and what things have been positive or [...]

By: Juliana

Juliana — Thu, 04 Feb 2010 02:52:56 +0000

*more hugs* Take care of yourself. I agree with the piny re: comfort as medication. Sometimes the large things feel too out of control, and one needs small things that make one feel a little bit better. Thinking about things that help (something that usually tastes good to eat, a trip to the library, warm blankets– these tend to be good for me) can give you some more tools for self-care. Also, as you say, food issues are complicated, but one thing to try to remember as far as taking care of yourself is that low blood sugar can often have bad effects on one’s mood– unhelpful if one is already depressed, to say the least. I mention this because I know it’s a problem for me sometimes (“why do I feel so crappy– OMG NEED FOOD NOW OM NOM NOM”). I’m not saying it’s easy– keeping some snacks with you that are simple and enjoyable (and preferably reasonably nutritious) can help.

I hope you get a good psychiatrist and whatever else you need. Feel free to ask on IM if you want to talk or be distracted or something.

By: Rebecca

Rebecca — Thu, 04 Feb 2010 00:35:38 +0000

Thanks. I just got home from therapy (worth a post all its own) but the short version is I have phone numbers for some psychiatrists and am about to call to try and get an appointment to discuss meds. I really appreciate your encouragement, it means a lot.

By: Bond

Bond — Wed, 03 Feb 2010 23:50:34 +0000

Holy fuck Rebecca. I am so sorry you are in so much pain. I’ve been to that place (I was a perpetual self-mutilator for years). Meds saved my life. Let me say that again: meds saved my life.

I’m really glad you have a therapist you can talk to — please also do anything & everything else you need to do to help yourself. You do not deserve to be miserable.

By: Rebecca

Rebecca — Wed, 03 Feb 2010 19:57:35 +0000

I honestly don’t understand why you would post this. My unhappiness is (I think) coming from dealing with being trans not being a woman. There are lots of specific things about being a woman that I do like: I like my body more, I like the clothing I’m wearing more, I like the feeling of being included with other women at work and socially.

Yet, I set too high a standard of success for myself, so am keeping myself uphappy. And, in that case, you’re right. I can’t be successful (in anything) if I keep moving the goal-posts further and further, and that’s a problem in my life much larger than transition-related goals. But to imply the transition was a mistake seems to me like an unnecessarily rude comment.

By: Your Personal Troll

Your Personal Troll — Wed, 03 Feb 2010 05:26:50 +0000

Which brings me to my general point: Your goal posts don’t seem to be accomplishing much happiness for you. Good luck finding a brighter spot of land over the fence, where the grass is “surely” (but not really) greener.

By: piny

piny — Wed, 03 Feb 2010 01:55:35 +0000

I’m glad I can offer something.

It helped, too, to think of it as something I could do immediately. I don’t know if it’s the same way for most people, but I get a little frantic with self-destructive feelings. It helped to have a different reflex. Sort of, “Oh! I am becoming unglued! I will leave my desk and purchase a muffin now. That will help.”

By: Rebecca

Rebecca — Tue, 02 Feb 2010 17:59:37 +0000

Thanks for the kind words, piny.

I also really appreciate the suggestion to think of comfort as medication (something I’m able to convince myself to do) rather than indulgence (something I’m really bad at0>

By: piny

piny — Tue, 02 Feb 2010 12:53:56 +0000

Listen, first of all: you’re a wonderful person, and I’m sorry to hear that this much stress is catching up to you. You deserve to be comfortable and happy, not exhausted. I know how awful this particular demon can be, and I’m sorry.

And I agree that you should think of it in real terms–that is, as a problem, never mind the DSM-IV. An eating disorder isn’t defined by what or how or even (superficially) why you’re eating in some unhealthy or obsessive way. It’s defined by the level of disorder it’s bringing to your life and psyche. If your eating habits are making your life difficult, or if they’re making you ill or unhappy, they’re disordered. And you have every right to work towards habits, and an underlying set of motives, based on caring about and for yourself.

I think it’s good that you’re sitting with these impulses, and trying to figure them out.

Is there any way you can consciously get small amounts of relaxation or nourishment? One thing that worked for me was to, well, medicate with comfort. A hot drink, a pastry, a walk to a bookstore, whatever. And it helped to think of it as a solution or a form of fuel, rather than a nice thing I was doing for myself. I get that you’re being tempted to do exactly the opposite thing, but can you respond to stress with the opposite tactic?

By: Jonah

Jonah — Tue, 02 Feb 2010 07:12:53 +0000

Sometimes giving up is an amazingly powerful thing to do. My first suicide attempt was probably the single most positive influence in my life. No, not probably, definitely.

I have had food issues and used to have much bigger ones, where I didn’t eat or drink four days per week. But I don’t think I really had an eating disorder, because eating disorder (I think), is code for eating and weight fixation. And I didn’t care about my weight at any level. I just loooved the high I got from fasting, liked the sense of control, and didn’t like that eating made me dependent on people to feed me (I was a preteen and younger teen). But I didn’t get hurt and I think I became a stronger person- I think what really needs to be weighted is: Will this hurt me? and not Does this fit diagnostic criteria?