And I Must Scream
Trigger warning for discussion of eating disorders, self-injury, and suicide.
(Post title comes from this story. It is not a happy story. You’ve been warned.)
Almost exactly a year ago, I wrote a post titled If it quacks like a duck…
…how would I respond if someone said to me, “I have this friend whose been really stressed lately. In fact, a few times in the last month or so she’s forgotten to eat and has made herself sick as a result – she gets really nauseous and dizzy, and one time was out of commission for over 12 hours. Do you think she’s developing an eating disorder?”I’d probably say yes. Not a conscious one – she isn’t chosing not to eat to lose weight, or as an intentional defense mechanism – but yeah, probably.
Since then, I’ve been pretty good at staying on a healthy eating schedule. I’m still not eating healthier (no huge shift to greens like I promised my doctor…) but I am eating, even when I’ve been really stressed.
Well, I’ve been really stressed the past week, and realized two things that are really scaring me. First, I’ve been consciously tempted to not eat as a way to feel like I’m in some control over something in my life. Second, I’ve been thinking about cutting, to have some external focus for pain instead of all the internal ones.
The first feeling, about eating, is something I’ve never experienced before. Last year, I was honestly surprised to look back at the end of the day, at 8 or 9PM, and realize I hadn’t eaten anything since breakfast. It was not a conscious choice to avoid meals. Rather, in my stress, I could never be bothered to eat; it didn’t seem worth the time. (At least until I almost fainted at work and finally realized why I’d been feeling so drained and dizzy…)
But now… There’s some horrible desire, somewhere between “I’m hurting emotionally? Well, I’ll show me! I won’t eat! That’ll teach me a lesson!” and “If I can’t control anything else, I can sure as hell control this.” and “If I’m going to be miserable anyway, I might as well lose some weight from the experience.” I’m circumventing those desires, and making myself eat, but I’m not really enjoying the experience.
As for a desire to hurt myself, that’s something I haven’t felt in probably five or ten years. I never actually cut myself, in spite of some long nights sitting with a blade. Likewise, I’ve never actually attempted suicide, in spite of some specific and detailed (and undoubtedly naive) fantasies about it. And I’m not suicidal right now – my instincts of self-preservation are still too strong to actually let me seriously consider ending my life. But that blade is looking tempting once again.
Similarly to the feelings around eating, I’d say it’s about control and about focusing the emotional paid I’m feeling onto something specifically physical. At least, that’s how I’m thinking about it. As I said, I’ve never tried cutting myself. But the thought of smoothly parting flesh, of blood, of pain… It would sure as hell direct my focus away from feeling like I’m worthless, if only for a while.
I’m seeing my therapist on Wednesday, and am going to tell her all of this. I’m going to ask about antidepressants, too. Because I’ve always moved the goal-posts of what I would consider ’success’ in my life: Come out. Start seeting a therapist. Go on hormones. Buy some womens’ clothing. Start dressing as Rebecca. Ask people to call use Rebecca instead of my old name. Live as Rebecca with friends. Live as Rebecca with family. Live as Rebecca at work. Live as Rebecca full-time.
But each time I hit those goal-posts, ’success’ becomes something that much further away and unobtainable. And so I become less and less inclined to keep going toward that next goal. And not in the good kind of way, the “The only winning move is not to play” kind of way, the “everyone learns something about themselves and comes out stronger kind of way.”
The kind of way where I fantasize about sitting down and giving up.
Themocracy
Sometimes giving up is an amazingly powerful thing to do. My first suicide attempt was probably the single most positive influence in my life. No, not probably, definitely.
I have had food issues and used to have much bigger ones, where I didn’t eat or drink four days per week. But I don’t think I really had an eating disorder, because eating disorder (I think), is code for eating and weight fixation. And I didn’t care about my weight at any level. I just loooved the high I got from fasting, liked the sense of control, and didn’t like that eating made me dependent on people to feed me (I was a preteen and younger teen). But I didn’t get hurt and I think I became a stronger person- I think what really needs to be weighted is: Will this hurt me? and not Does this fit diagnostic criteria?
Listen, first of all: you’re a wonderful person, and I’m sorry to hear that this much stress is catching up to you. You deserve to be comfortable and happy, not exhausted. I know how awful this particular demon can be, and I’m sorry.
And I agree that you should think of it in real terms–that is, as a problem, never mind the DSM-IV. An eating disorder isn’t defined by what or how or even (superficially) why you’re eating in some unhealthy or obsessive way. It’s defined by the level of disorder it’s bringing to your life and psyche. If your eating habits are making your life difficult, or if they’re making you ill or unhappy, they’re disordered. And you have every right to work towards habits, and an underlying set of motives, based on caring about and for yourself.
I think it’s good that you’re sitting with these impulses, and trying to figure them out.
Is there any way you can consciously get small amounts of relaxation or nourishment? One thing that worked for me was to, well, medicate with comfort. A hot drink, a pastry, a walk to a bookstore, whatever. And it helped to think of it as a solution or a form of fuel, rather than a nice thing I was doing for myself. I get that you’re being tempted to do exactly the opposite thing, but can you respond to stress with the opposite tactic?
Thanks for the kind words, piny.
I also really appreciate the suggestion to think of comfort as medication (something I’m able to convince myself to do) rather than indulgence (something I’m really bad at0>
I’m glad I can offer something.
It helped, too, to think of it as something I could do immediately. I don’t know if it’s the same way for most people, but I get a little frantic with self-destructive feelings. It helped to have a different reflex. Sort of, “Oh! I am becoming unglued! I will leave my desk and purchase a muffin now. That will help.”
Which brings me to my general point: Your goal posts don’t seem to be accomplishing much happiness for you. Good luck finding a brighter spot of land over the fence, where the grass is “surely” (but not really) greener.
I honestly don’t understand why you would post this. My unhappiness is (I think) coming from dealing with being trans not being a woman. There are lots of specific things about being a woman that I do like: I like my body more, I like the clothing I’m wearing more, I like the feeling of being included with other women at work and socially.
Yet, I set too high a standard of success for myself, so am keeping myself uphappy. And, in that case, you’re right. I can’t be successful (in anything) if I keep moving the goal-posts further and further, and that’s a problem in my life much larger than transition-related goals. But to imply the transition was a mistake seems to me like an unnecessarily rude comment.
Holy fuck Rebecca. I am so sorry you are in so much pain. I’ve been to that place (I was a perpetual self-mutilator for years). Meds saved my life. Let me say that again: meds saved my life.
I’m really glad you have a therapist you can talk to — please also do anything & everything else you need to do to help yourself. You do not deserve to be miserable.
<3
Thanks. I just got home from therapy (worth a post all its own) but the short version is I have phone numbers for some psychiatrists and am about to call to try and get an appointment to discuss meds. I really appreciate your encouragement, it means a lot.
*more hugs* Take care of yourself. I agree with the piny re: comfort as medication. Sometimes the large things feel too out of control, and one needs small things that make one feel a little bit better. Thinking about things that help (something that usually tastes good to eat, a trip to the library, warm blankets– these tend to be good for me) can give you some more tools for self-care. Also, as you say, food issues are complicated, but one thing to try to remember as far as taking care of yourself is that low blood sugar can often have bad effects on one’s mood– unhelpful if one is already depressed, to say the least. I mention this because I know it’s a problem for me sometimes (“why do I feel so crappy– OMG NEED FOOD NOW OM NOM NOM”). I’m not saying it’s easy– keeping some snacks with you that are simple and enjoyable (and preferably reasonably nutritious) can help.
I hope you get a good psychiatrist and whatever else you need. Feel free to ask on IM if you want to talk or be distracted or something.
[...] my appointment on Friday, I explained how I’d been feeling, i.e. not too hot. We talked about what’s been going on in my life, and what things have been positive or [...]