As I said in reply to another comment of yours (which I saw before this one) I don’t understand where you’re coming from when you doubt or question my transition. I can point to lots of ways right now in which I am happier than before I started transitioning. And I want to clarify something (again):

Which isn’t to say transitioning automatically makes (or keeps!) me happy. But not transitioning was making me unhappy (suicidal, even). So transitioning gets this huge block out of the way, so I can focus on simply living. Transitioning allows me to focus on the important things, finding peace in what I have, and lifts a weight of unhappiness so I can focus outwardly, on the world around me, rather than forever focusing inward on myself.

Obviously, I’m not doing a very good job of focusing outwardly right now, and there is something that is still causing me to be unhappy, be it part of transitioning or something else. But I actually did not transition to “be happy,” I did so to allow myself to be happy, when a big block was out of the way. (At least, that was the plan…)

All that said, this most recent comment of yours is, I think, the most helpful in the past few days. It reminds me that (it seems to me) you’re being snarky to get a rise out of me, not out of actual malice. Thank you for your kind words. I really needed them.

And, to some degree, yes, your body will always be in transition, you will generally always need hormones to keep your voice high, your skin smooth, your fat cells reposited properly outside the muscles…

You’re going to be fine. Find small ways to be happy, and if things do feel so dire as you might want to harm yourself to have control, find some control within an antidepressant, to help quell the chemical imbalances for a bit.

Life is hard, but the important thing is to live it the way you want to live it– and then, to find ways to be happy within whatever crap life throws at you.

Revisit a favorite hobby. Walk in a favorite place. Dress in some favorite clothes or just sit someplace comfortable. Listen to music that brings out peace or emotion– find a place to write and draw out your thoughts. Just be, focus on being, not on what you will be, but what you are now. Embrace your youness and find things to enjoy about the journey.

These are things I tell myself and my sisters when we’re stressed. Life sucks, but make it yours.

And you are making it yours. You can do this. Just breathe.

Many people curse the positions they’re in, but at least you’re doing something about it.
Keep your head held high.

I’m also starting to think about medication, something that’s never appealed to me, and still really doesn’t. I’m going to talk to my therapist about it this week, though, because I feel like I keep removing all the things I think are making me unhappy, to find I’m still just as unhappy (if not even more unhappy).

I’m not sure how to get at the root of it, though. How to forgive myself and the people I love, to find some sort of reconciliation. To judge moments against themselves, and not against past decisions that I cannot undo.

I’m more and more tempted at the thought of making more major breaks – of quitting or moving or something that would feel like a big ‘real’ change, hopefully to prompt a big internal change. But we’ll see. That’s a huge decision, obviously, and one I’ve just started thinking about. I’ll be posting more about it, I’m sure…

(And you weren’t missing any literary references; the ‘you’ at the end of the post is someone in my life who I’ve hurt.)

So, what are you doing right now to make yourself more confident?

Options for
” How to not judge every waking moment of every waking day against”
-Meditation. Biggest flaw- difficulty of clearing mind, interference of chronic pain.
-Exercise with rhythm facilitating good physical feelings. Maybe dance? For me, that’s walking, usually. Biggest problem with it is that sometimes it lets the thoughts flow a little too much when I’m down.
-Medication. Haven’t tried antidepressants, but they ought to be on the table if they aren’t already.

Will be back to finish the thought.