Hugsent (hug consent)
My job allows students to take classes for barter, meaning they have to do one hour of work for us for every hour of class time. The work varies – it’s usually filing in the office, but sometimes it’s painting sets, helping clean storage, helping to manage the first day of class, and so on.
We have one barter student, I’ll call him Steve, who is a bit much. He’s really friendly, and very enthusiastic about helping out. He loves taking classes and, without a doubt, is dedicated to doing whatever job is given to him. And yet…
My landlords have an absolutely adorable mastiff, Ruthie. She’s loving, friendly, and would never hurt a fly. But she’s huge. I explained Steve to a friend, saying “Steve is friendly in the same way Ruthie is a lapdog.”
That is to say, Steve is too friendly, and with no concept of boundaries or limits. The one or two times we’ve had him help with filing in the office, all work stopped because he couldn’t keep his mouth shut. We’ve had to find specific jobs for him that would let him work outside the office, so we could get our work done.
To make interactions with Steve more frustrating, he’s a hugger.
To be clear, I like hugs. I like physical contact. I like closeness. But only with people I’m comfortable with, and in situations where I’m in some amount of control. Steve does not give any of that feeling, since he apparently hugs everyone he thinks he’s friendly with. (Meaning, seemingly, everyone he knows.)
We talked about this in the office the other day, and everyone agreed that Steve’s hugs were unwanted and unreciprocated. One of my coworkers said she’s indicated, through body language, that his hugs aren’t welcome and he backed off. I thought about this, and decided I’d do something similar the next time I saw Steve.
The chance came soon after, because he stopped in the office late this past week. However, I did not succeed in indicating, subtlety and politely, that I didn’t want to be hugged. Instead, I bumped into him while leaving the office and, when he went to hug me, I literally jumped back about a foot, as if escaping the path of a falling object. He sort of said, “Oh,” and stuck out his hand. I awkwardly shook it, and fled the office.
I then hid in the hallway until he left, after which I found one of my coworkers had covered for me by saying, “Yeah, Rebecca really doesn’t like hugs.”
Except I don’t think this should have been an issue in the first place. The default assumption should be to not hug people, rather than Steve’s apparent assumption that everyone deserves (and wants!) a hug.
I’m sorry I didn’t handle things explicitly, though. Rather than leaping away in an awkward display of my own discomfort, I should have just taken a step back and said, “I don’t want a hug, Steve.” It really didn’t need to be any more complicated than that.
Even though the assumption of consent is unreasonable in the first place.
(For further reading, check out the book Yes Means Yes, which has an essay on this very topic. And lots of other awesome essays. Edit: I’d also like to give a shout-out to the post A Letter at the blog City of Ladies, which is written as a letter to a Steve-like individual.)
Themocracy
aww Ruthie is so sweet! And like Athens not remotely a lapdog, though Athens insist that he in fact IS.
Sorry about the awkward hugger!
I’m extremely pro-Ruthie (and Athens, for that matter) but yeah, lap dogs they ain’t…