The first night of tech for Trans Form was last night, and I’m kind of a mess.

(For those of you who aren’t theatre people, tech refers to technical rehearsals, where lights/sound/etc are set. It comes before dress rehearsals and/or previews, the final rehearsals before a show opens.)

The show is going fine, although I’m planning to head out of work early tonight and finish up some sound and video work. And yet, I’m really scared about it opening on Friday. Not simply stressing out, but scared. And, after thinking about what parts of the show terrify me, I realized I’m not just dealing with stage fright (although there’s some of that) but with some deeper internalized transphobia.

It keeps stemming back to this issue, of recalling how I felt about gender and my own identity growing up and in comparison to now. I can’t get over hatred of my younger-self for not doing anything about being trans, and a hatred toward my body for being trans in the first place. I don’t want to be trans – I want to be done with it; with the show, with transitioning, with being trans in the first place.

And so going on stage and celebrating my trans identity is rubbing me a little raw.

Which isn’t to say the entire piece is celebratory. I’ve tried to acknowledge that I’m on a difficult journey. But I feel obligated to end more positive than negative, if for no other reason than saying how I actually feel seems so vulnerable, in a show where I’m obviously already putting a lot of myself out there.

I was thinking, yesterday, about a line in the show, spoken by my fifteen year old self: “Puberty is already shaping my body in ways that I hate. Bringing me closer to manhood. Taking me further away from being a woman.” For whatever reason, it made me remember my dad teaching me how to shave.

We were living in our second house, the house I still identify most as “home” in my memories. We were in my parents’ bathroom, and I had a nice layer of fuzz on my face and neck. He showed me how to apply shaving cream, to make sure the water wasn’t too cold or too hot when rinsing the razor, how to shave without cutting yourself.

I felt totally humiliated by the whole experience. I couldn’t voice it at the time, but it was like someone rubbing my face in my masculinity, in how my body was going one direction when I so desperately wanted it to go in the other.

I realized, though, that I have something of the same sensation with ‘feminine’ experiences – getting makeup or buying clothing for the first time. I do get over it, something which never really happened for shaving, but the very first time I’m doing these things I can’t help but feeling like I should know what I’m doing and would, if only my life had turned out right.

Getting back to the subject of this post (internalized transphobia, for those of you still with us) I’m struggling a lot with being OK – let alone happy – with who I am. It is so damn easy to see the things I don’t like about my body, and source them back to being trans. (Not helped because my stupid girl friends are too attractive! I need uglier friends!) (Not true, friends who are reading this. I love you!)

I’m really looking forward to have some me-time after the show, because I think the big thing that will help with all this is time. Time to get to know myself better, time to be myself, time to reflect and let all the big changes of the past year or so sink in.

And hopefully I’ll make it through the weekend…

One Response to “Internalized transphobia”

1. M says:

   December 15, 2009 at 9:59 am

   Our friends are way too pretty I agree.

   Reply