Comments on: I’m not yet myself http://fridaythang.com/blog/2009/12/01/im-not-yet-myself/ One 20-somthing trans woman's free associations on gender, politics, geekery, and more Thu, 11 Mar 2010 05:53:13 -0600 http://wordpress.org/?v=2.9.2 hourly 1 By: The Thang Blog » Internalized transphobia http://fridaythang.com/blog/2009/12/01/im-not-yet-myself/comment-page-1/#comment-4669 The Thang Blog » Internalized transphobia Tue, 08 Dec 2009 22:01:03 +0000 http://fridaythang.com/blog/?p=1319#comment-4669 [...] keeps stemming back to this issue, of recalling how I felt about gender and my own identity growing up and in comparison to now. I [...] [...] keeps stemming back to this issue, of recalling how I felt about gender and my own identity growing up and in comparison to now. I [...]

]]> By: Mattie http://fridaythang.com/blog/2009/12/01/im-not-yet-myself/comment-page-1/#comment-4475 Mattie Wed, 02 Dec 2009 08:10:49 +0000 http://fridaythang.com/blog/?p=1319#comment-4475 We all do it sometimes, Rebecca :) Much strength to you. We all do it sometimes, Rebecca :) Much strength to you.

]]> By: Rebecca http://fridaythang.com/blog/2009/12/01/im-not-yet-myself/comment-page-1/#comment-4464 Rebecca Wed, 02 Dec 2009 02:41:07 +0000 http://fridaythang.com/blog/?p=1319#comment-4464 <blockquote>“So long” is relative. We do these things when we are ready.</blockquote> I need to internalize that. Because you're obviously right - I'm transitioning younger than many, even if it's not as young as I might fantasize about. <blockquote>If you had made different choices, perhaps you would not be the person you are now. Do you like that person, this life you have? If so, would you risk changing anything that has led to being this you in this life?</blockquote> That's what I'm fighting with, and trying to move past. Right now, when I'm particularly down, I <i>don't</i> like the person I am, the life I have, because I can only see how it might have been better. I can't see how it might have been worse, or how good it is in so many ways. (To be clear, I can see those things intellectually, but I'm having trouble convincing myself to believe them.) <blockquote>You owe your past self nothing.</blockquote> That really hit me, and I think I need to keep repeating it to myself. I have such trouble focusing on the <i>now</i>. Not helped by working on a very introspective and retrospective show... But, when it's done in a few weeks, I'm looking forward to focusing on the moment and not getting caught up in the past or the future. Hopefully, anyway. Thanks for your comment, Mattie. I needed to hear it, to be reminded that I can wallow, but I really shouldn't.

“So long” is relative. We do these things when we are ready.

I need to internalize that. Because you’re obviously right – I’m transitioning younger than many, even if it’s not as young as I might fantasize about.

If you had made different choices, perhaps you would not be the person you are now. Do you like that person, this life you have? If so, would you risk changing anything that has led to being this you in this life?

That’s what I’m fighting with, and trying to move past. Right now, when I’m particularly down, I don’t like the person I am, the life I have, because I can only see how it might have been better. I can’t see how it might have been worse, or how good it is in so many ways. (To be clear, I can see those things intellectually, but I’m having trouble convincing myself to believe them.)

You owe your past self nothing.

That really hit me, and I think I need to keep repeating it to myself. I have such trouble focusing on the now. Not helped by working on a very introspective and retrospective show… But, when it’s done in a few weeks, I’m looking forward to focusing on the moment and not getting caught up in the past or the future. Hopefully, anyway.

Thanks for your comment, Mattie. I needed to hear it, to be reminded that I can wallow, but I really shouldn’t.

]]> By: Mattie http://fridaythang.com/blog/2009/12/01/im-not-yet-myself/comment-page-1/#comment-4447 Mattie Tue, 01 Dec 2009 18:54:44 +0000 http://fridaythang.com/blog/?p=1319#comment-4447 "So long" is relative. We do these things when we are ready. For some it's sooner than for others. If you had made different choices, perhaps you would not be the person you are now. Do you like that person, this life you have? If so, would you risk changing anything that has led to being this you in this life? I can play that what if game too. I waited longer. Do I regret it? Not now, because it was the right choice in hindsight. Not at the time. At the time it was the wrong choice, I should not have hidden so long. But now, looking back from the vantage point of being content, of liking myself and my life, it was the right thing, because I <i>am</i> content, I <i>am</i> happy, and I like me. I wouldn't want to risk that with what ifs. I see no problem with it being both the right and wrong thing to have done. Nothing is truely so binary. I both regret my choices and feel I made the right ones. It just depends which place I stand to look at them from. I can forgive my past decisions because I did take the one that I needed to, in the end. I did find a happy ending. The only person who can give you permission to do that is yourself. Not your past self, your now self. You owe your past self nothing. It is to you, now, that you are responsible. I think I am rambling now. I hope this helps. I spent some time working out how to forgive my own self for waiting 20ish years from when I knew what I should have done. It isn't perfect, regrets are part of getting older I suspect ;) “So long” is relative. We do these things when we are ready. For some it’s sooner than for others. If you had made different choices, perhaps you would not be the person you are now. Do you like that person, this life you have? If so, would you risk changing anything that has led to being this you in this life? I can play that what if game too. I waited longer. Do I regret it? Not now, because it was the right choice in hindsight. Not at the time. At the time it was the wrong choice, I should not have hidden so long. But now, looking back from the vantage point of being content, of liking myself and my life, it was the right thing, because I am content, I am happy, and I like me. I wouldn’t want to risk that with what ifs. I see no problem with it being both the right and wrong thing to have done. Nothing is truely so binary. I both regret my choices and feel I made the right ones. It just depends which place I stand to look at them from. I can forgive my past decisions because I did take the one that I needed to, in the end. I did find a happy ending. The only person who can give you permission to do that is yourself. Not your past self, your now self. You owe your past self nothing. It is to you, now, that you are responsible. I think I am rambling now. I hope this helps. I spent some time working out how to forgive my own self for waiting 20ish years from when I knew what I should have done. It isn’t perfect, regrets are part of getting older I suspect ;)

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