Catching Up
Comments (4) In line with my previous, super positive and up-beat post, I’ve been thinking more about why I have this horrible block on viewing myself, or anything I do, in a positive light.
I know that a lot of it stems from regret and self-loathing at having waited to long to transition. I’ve mentioned how “Rebecca” used to yell at male-me to get off my/his ass and do something about being trans other than mope. But it never really worked. I have a chunk of that in the show I’m working on, and it’s sort of ridiculous – I’m playing myself (Rebecca) telling myself (16-year-old-male-me) that if I/he only took some action he’d “get to be me!” The dramatic irony is obviously that I do end up as Rebecca.
Except I’m realizing that I feel like the transition has gotten ahead of me. That, for so long, it was this secret thing that I didn’t talk about except in very private situations. The fantasized and idealized possibility of actually transitioning seemed totally out of reach. Even if I did transition, so I thought, I would never end up pretty or successful.
People tell me I’m both of those things. Objectively, I’m forced to acknowledge the second is true, even if it doesn’t feel like it, but sure as hell not the first.
I haven’t had a chance to catch up with the transition, to internalize and think of myself in the way everyone else seems to. I’m not sure how… I still feel like I’m playing pretend, putting on a costume. I’ve been bemused recently by the women in my life – coworkers, my roommate, friends – who feel comfortable sharing information about their periods with me in a way that they never would have a few years ago. They obviously see me as a woman. Why can’t I?
Themocracy