Speaking of gender roles…
I was delivering postcards for my show this morning (obligatory plug) and got a flat tire. I was on Lake Shore Drive, heading south at the curve by North Beach, when I felt the steering jerk. I’ve never actually been in a car when a tire went flat, let alone driving a car when it happens, so I didn’t realize what was happening. I just thought, “Shit, something’s wrong with my car” and promptly forgot about it.
That meant that, to make matters worse, I didn’t notice it until I was parked at the place I was dropping post cards, about 2 miles later. (I subsequently learned this meant the tire couldn’t just be patched – $35+tax – but had to be replaced – $100+tax. Taught me a lesson about always pulling over ASAP when something goes wonky…)
But I didn’t actually notice the flat myself. Two guys were walking from their pickup truck when one of them said, “You know you have a flat there?” And thus started the most subtlety gendered interaction I’ve had in a while.
The two guys were really nice, and not at all condescending about the flat or my bumper-sticker-covered car. But when I pulled the spare tire, the wrench, and the jack out of the trunk and put them next to the car, they immediately leaped in to take over. I’m not going to lie and say I’ve changed a lot of tires (or changed any tires) so their help was honestly appreciated, and they were super-nice about it all. One of them even saw my high school’s sticker on my car, and commented on how he’d graduated from there, too. (Albeit in ’79, not ’03.)
The whole thing took maybe five minutes, after which they refused any offers of payment. Fortunate, since I had a whopping $4 in my purse… But, as I said, while absolutely nothing in our interactions was unpleasant, rude, or condescending, there was a definite feel of “Let the men take care of this.”
Had I known what I was doing – were this a computer problem, say – the interaction might have been a bit condescending. But because I didn’t know what I was doing, even though I’m pretty confident I could have figured it out eventually, I didn’t feel like the interaction was condescending. (Confidence, in the face of ignorance, isn’t condescending. It’s just accurate.)
It was sort of an amusing gendered interaction, though. They made a joke – not threatening or mean at all – about how they usually watch out for “those bumper-sticker-having liberals,” but that they would make an exception for me. I’d like to think they would have been just as nice/forgiving if they’d read me as male, but I’m not convinced that would be true.
So I suppose the motivation behind the interaction, that women can’t deal with changing tires, was a little negative. And that fact that I enjoyed being gendered as female and the novelty of being “saved” by men reading me as female shouldn’t excuse their assumptions about gender roles.
Or maybe I’m thinking way too much about all this, and should just appreciate a good deed wherever I find it.
Themocracy
Rebecca, I think, from experience, a bit of both
I have had interactions that left me both annoyed at the sexism inherent in them and also having been bouyed by the affirmation of being read female. Utterly confusing and mixed feelings. I decided that such things are what they are. I feel it’s perfectly OK to find such a thing both bad and good at the same time… and to also overthink them sometimes as a result.
Thanks for your thoughts, Mattie. It reminds me of when someone on the street ‘complimented’ me on my legs: on the one hand, ew! on the other, it did make me feel pretty…
Oh well!
A couple months ago (back when I was still in the US)my grandma called me to help her jump her car in a grocery store parking lot. As I was pulling the cables out of my truck some middle aged guy came over (presumably seeing two helpless womenfolks?) and interceded, doing it wrong. He didn’t even ask which car needed the jump, and assumed it was mine (thus some of the doing it wrong.) I was dumbstruck for a second, until I realized that even though I was the youngest by 25+ years and this guy obviously thought his maleness made him an expert on the situation, these were my and my grandmothers cars and I was the one who knew what was going on and I should have authority over the situation.
I wish I told him to shove off, but all I did was ignore him, get the car started, and thanked him for his [useless useless] help. =/
I think age-ism may have played a role in my situation, too. It makes me think of a recent interaction at work, where I’m the general manager. A repair man was directing all his interactions to an older woman, who is definitely not my subordinate but also wasn’t in charge of coordinating the repairs being discussed. She apologized for it after he left, since she noticed it too, but it was a short enough interaction that neither of us bothered mentioning it to the repair man.
Anywho, I’m sorry to hear your would-be savior was less competent than mine…
Blame the male ego and Testostrone
I can see where you’re coming from, but I’d rather blame it on societal expectations of gender roles and behavior. I don’t accept the idea that men are inherently condescending toward women.
I’m open to the idea that some genetic/biological/hormonal component makes posturing more likely in men, but I refuse to accept genetic or biological determinism for social behavior. The whole point of civilization is that we’re able to overcome pre-programmed “natural” responses.
To put it more briefly, I’m not really interested in engaging in male-bashing.
Wow
What I said was a simple a throw away comment.
I do agree whole hearty with what you said
Little Johnny from a young age is taught that he is not supposed to cry or he is a sissy. He is not supposed to show emotion or he is known as a baby.
Little Sussie on the other hand is taught that if she speaks up she is a known it all. If she likes to play outside she’s a tomboy as a little girl. When she gets older tomboy becomes butch.
I think society along with nature and nurture cause the gender divide.
What do you think
Sorry I snapped at you, I just didn’t want the conversation to drift in that direction.
I would agree that gender and gendered behavior have both social/societal aspects and biological aspects. I think trans people give lie to the idea that gender is solely a result of nurturing, but anyone who thinks gender is solely nature should go on hormones for a year and see how their (gendered) behavior and attitudes change…
I’ve been noticing the ways that gendered expectations create their own necessity, even in your own instincts. There are all these strategies I’ve been trained to use and therefore feel comfortable using, and all these lacunae that create a role for my social complement. I’d feel grateful in that situation, because I don’t know how to change a tire. But I’d feel embarrassed, because I’d be stranded on the side of the road, waiting for help from someone who knows better.
I doubt that my mechanophobia is unrelated to factors besides my assigned gender, but growing up a girl definitely played a part in, say, my dad’s tendency to include me in the umpteen home-improvement projects he’s taken on.
That makes a lot of sense. Any behavior can become self-perpetuating or self-reinforcing. Behaviors that are based around helplessness or ignorance to some extent (the stranded maiden) definitely fall into that category.