Comments on: Tis better to give than to receive

By: The Thang Blog » A perspective flip

The Thang Blog » A perspective flip — Fri, 28 May 2010 20:47:56 +0000

[...] flip in perspective is something I’ve discussed before, although in that previous post(s) I was talking more about being on the giving or receiving end of [...]

By: A Note On Male Privilege And “Passing” « Dear Diaspora

A Note On Male Privilege And “Passing” « Dear Diaspora — Sun, 08 Nov 2009 23:44:02 +0000

[...] this is male privilege — seeing things from the perspective of the male “gazer,” [...]

By: Rebecca

Rebecca — Sat, 07 Nov 2009 04:08:39 +0000

(Whoops! Meant gazer, not gazee.)

Thanks for sharing. My experience has been drifting from the gazer to the gazee, and I’m not sure where it’ll end up. (Or where I want it to end up, although using terms like gazer/gazee makes the idea of wanting to be a gazee kind of inherently negative.) Definitely something I’ll need to think about more.

By: Bond

Bond — Sat, 07 Nov 2009 03:44:58 +0000

I've been called out on being the gazer. The biggest example that comes to mind: A (straight, cis, male) friend and I tried to talk to my girlfriend and another queer lady about "feminine wiles." It was a disaster of a conversation! My male friend and I were trying to talk about our experience of feeling totally helpless around beautiful women, that overwhelming feeling of, "Is there anything I can do for you? Anything? Please?" We were wondering whether beautiful women, like the two we were talking with, are aware of having this effect; we ended up sounding like we were accusing women of being manipulative temptresses. There was a lot of mutually frustrating back and forth and finally my girlfriend said something like, "You keep talking like this is something women are doing to you but this is your internal response and it's about you.” D’oh! And then there are a zillion little instances of, say, my girlfriend’s much greater tendency to recognize media portrayals of women as sexist (while I’m busy recognizing the women as attractive), the tendency of my peers to include me in jokes and such as masculine subject (I’m thinking of one especially crude line of jokes about sleeping with people’s wives & mothers, in which I am invariably cast as the interloper, not the female object), etc.

By: Rebecca

Rebecca — Fri, 06 Nov 2009 20:34:56 +0000

I’m curious (if you’re willing to share) when and how you’ve experienced being the gazee, and having someone call you on it.

By: Rebecca

Rebecca — Fri, 06 Nov 2009 20:34:23 +0000

Well, I agree with you in theory. But I do think that, in practice, there’s a different cultural expectation between what it means when a man expresses sexual interest and when a woman does. Again, in this specific situation and with these specific people, I think you’re right. But, in general, I also think that men saying “Boy, I’d like to fuck her” inherently – by virtue of the culture we live in – carries more potential for aggression or violence than when a woman saying it.

Gossip: Maybe I misspoke. I meant “interested” as in “wanted to make out with her,” not necessarily “wanted to date her.” I have no idea if the latter is true, and definitely don’t want to spread that it is…

By: M

Fri, 06 Nov 2009 18:43:46 +0000

I feel compelled to respond especially since I know all the players involved (let’s see if I can remember their fake names).

I disagree as I mentioned to you yesterday. Just as I should be “allowed” to say to Claire (a female to a female) I’d sure like to fuck Bob (which I would totally say, and if I recall which one Bob is, yeah I’d like to fuck him again.) I don’t think its male privilege that two guy friends would talk about a girl like that because I think females do talk to their friends like that.

But it takes an immense a lot to offend me so perhaps I’m different.

On a gossipy note: Bob’s interested in Claire? Like more than sex???

By: Bond

Bond — Fri, 06 Nov 2009 17:32:37 +0000

Interesting indeed. I’ve been lately thinking about the extent to which I have male (masculine?) privilege. The gazer/gazee thing is definitely one I have, as women have pointed out to me before, in addition to others.