Tis better to give than to receive
A friend of mine, Adam, recently got into something of an argument with one of his friends, Bob, over a third friend, Claire. (Ah, computer science naming schemes.) Adam, who has been interested in Claire for quite some time, had said something along the lines of, “I’d sure like to fuck Claire,” to Bob. This had made its way to Claire, by way of Bob, who was really pissed at Adam. Adam was likewise pissed at Bob, for having mentioned it o Claire in the first place.
(Confused yet? My friends have never been known for their lack of drama.
I was talking about this with my roommate last night. She was saying, basically, that Adam had been bogus and – even though it was a little shady that Bob told Claire, since he’s also interested in her – Claire was right to get really upset with Adam.
I, on the other hand, was saying that, yes, what Adam said is bogus. But the context is also really important, and I’d want to hear more before passing judgment; initially, I thought that Bob’s conflict-of-interest when it comes to Claire and Adam made his gossiping somewhat more obnoxious.
But then I remembered this post from July. And I realized that I’d been thinking about the situation from the perspective of being more likely to say, “I’d sure like to fuck her” than to have it said about me.
When I I made that realization and started to think about how I would feel as Claire, I somewhat flipped sides and agreed that what Adam said was not OK. (Even if Bob also handled the situation poorly.) Because I’m still used to being on the boys’ team, so to speak; assuming that it’s “Us” (the guys, trying to get with women) versus “Them” (the women, trying to field off endless advances). I could easily imagine saying that about someone else – there are lots of women I find attractive – but had a hard time imagining someone saying it about me.
This isn’t to say that I agree completely with Claire’s chewing-out of Adam. I do think the context is important, and it’s not like Adam’s feelings were particularly a secret. But it’s yet another situation where I’m realizing exactly what “male privilege” can mean: It’s the privilege of being the gazer, not the gazee. Of analyzing a situation base on how the one the more powerful position felt about it, not the one being targeted.
Interesting food for thought, and something I want to keep in mind in the future, before I open my mouth and say something hurtful.
gender
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gender, gossip, relationships, sex
Themocracy
Interesting indeed. I’ve been lately thinking about the extent to which I have male (masculine?) privilege. The gazer/gazee thing is definitely one I have, as women have pointed out to me before, in addition to others.
I’m curious (if you’re willing to share) when and how you’ve experienced being the gazee, and having someone call you on it.
I’ve been called out on being the gazer. The biggest example that comes to mind: A (straight, cis, male) friend and I tried to talk to my girlfriend and another queer lady about “feminine wiles.” It was a disaster of a conversation! My male friend and I were trying to talk about our experience of feeling totally helpless around beautiful women, that overwhelming feeling of, “Is there anything I can do for you? Anything? Please?” We were wondering whether beautiful women, like the two we were talking with, are aware of having this effect; we ended up sounding like we were accusing women of being manipulative temptresses. There was a lot of mutually frustrating back and forth and finally my girlfriend said something like, “You keep talking like this is something women are doing to you but this is your internal response and it’s about you.” D’oh!
And then there are a zillion little instances of, say, my girlfriend’s much greater tendency to recognize media portrayals of women as sexist (while I’m busy recognizing the women as attractive), the tendency of my peers to include me in jokes and such as masculine subject (I’m thinking of one especially crude line of jokes about sleeping with people’s wives & mothers, in which I am invariably cast as the interloper, not the female object), etc.
(Whoops! Meant gazer, not gazee.)
Thanks for sharing. My experience has been drifting from the gazer to the gazee, and I’m not sure where it’ll end up. (Or where I want it to end up, although using terms like gazer/gazee makes the idea of wanting to be a gazee kind of inherently negative.) Definitely something I’ll need to think about more.
I feel compelled to respond especially since I know all the players involved (let’s see if I can remember their fake names).
I disagree as I mentioned to you yesterday. Just as I should be “allowed” to say to Claire (a female to a female) I’d sure like to fuck Bob (which I would totally say, and if I recall which one Bob is, yeah I’d like to fuck him again.) I don’t think its male privilege that two guy friends would talk about a girl like that because I think females do talk to their friends like that.
But it takes an immense a lot to offend me so perhaps I’m different.
On a gossipy note: Bob’s interested in Claire? Like more than sex???
Well, I agree with you in theory. But I do think that, in practice, there’s a different cultural expectation between what it means when a man expresses sexual interest and when a woman does. Again, in this specific situation and with these specific people, I think you’re right. But, in general, I also think that men saying “Boy, I’d like to fuck her” inherently – by virtue of the culture we live in – carries more potential for aggression or violence than when a woman saying it.
Gossip: Maybe I misspoke. I meant “interested” as in “wanted to make out with her,” not necessarily “wanted to date her.” I have no idea if the latter is true, and definitely don’t want to spread that it is…
[...] this is male privilege — seeing things from the perspective of the male “gazer,” [...]