Comments on: Reconciling regret

By: The Thang Blog » Going to Hard Places

The Thang Blog » Going to Hard Places — Tue, 26 Oct 2010 02:44:50 +0000

[...] over a year ago, in a post called Reconciling Regret, I wrote about the conversations I used to have between myself and “Rebecca,” my [...]

By: Rebecca

Rebecca — Mon, 26 Oct 2009 15:30:32 +0000

Thank you Sophia. That’s a really beautiful way of looking at it, and I’ll need to hold close the idea of being “substantial enough to weather” doubt and my own past.

By: Sophia

Sophia — Mon, 26 Oct 2009 14:36:18 +0000

We come from extremely different backgrounds, but we’re both the same age, (10 months). And sometimes, for me too, those ghost voices seem rather too close for comfort. Every time I wonder about other possible pasts, every time some encounter cues male response patterns, every time I think how ludicrous I must appear to some people ; voices of ghosts, not yet ancient enough to ignore, sweep over me.
I guess the thing that’s most important for me is not to build walls to keep out ghosts. I’ve got enough to do in building the places for the woman I’m becoming to inhabit and enjoy, and I’ve no wish whatsoever to distort them in that sterile exercise. The Sophia that might have been, and the Sophia that I might grow up to be, are admittedly more vulnerable, but the t-girls we are, the Rebecca that speaks so clearly here, is definitely substantial enough to weather such voices.

By: Kei

Kei — Mon, 26 Oct 2009 03:35:56 +0000

Ma’am (or miss I’m not sure of your age), I consider you lucky for having a sense of self discovery. Too many people don’t know who they are inside.

Consider yourself ahead of the game.

By: The Thang Blog » Halloween Costumes, and Costumes for Life

The Thang Blog » Halloween Costumes, and Costumes for Life — Mon, 26 Oct 2009 02:45:52 +0000

[...] hope for some additional growth, or Stage V and am all boobed out. This also plays a lot into the feelings of regret I’ve been having recently, since one thing that everyone does agree on is starting hormones [...]

By: Rebecca

Rebecca — Sat, 24 Oct 2009 01:46:22 +0000

Thank you for the comment, Peta. I feel like it’s really attractive to imagine transitioning as this magical process that solves everything. So it’s nice to hear someone honestly say that their post-transition life is better, but that transitioning also didn’t erase the angst of pre-transition life or recreate everything from the ground up…

So I really appreciate you stopping by, and hope you’ll comment again in the future.

By: peta

peta — Sat, 24 Oct 2009 00:15:55 +0000

I have found a peace within myself since transitioning 11 years ago. But I really resent that I wasn’t born cis. Either male or female…I don’t care. I wish I had brain and body in sync since day 1. I’ll always feel different. I embrace my past because my ex and my children are a big part of that past just as they are a big part of my present. I do feel sad at times but I have not experienced the depths of depression I experienced before I did something positive about my transsexualism.

By: timberwraith

timberwraith — Fri, 23 Oct 2009 21:02:27 +0000

What your describing doesn’t sound terribly different from the feelings I experienced after I transitioned. It really does suck at times, but there is a light at the end of the tunnel (and I promise that it’s sunlight rather than a train).

It can be extraordinarily difficult to filter out society’s message of “you can’t possibly be who you say you are.” Just remember that this isn’t really your voice doing the talking. It’s society’s voice… and if you don’t mind my saying so, fuck society’s voice. That voice usually centers upon other people’s prejudiced interests rather than your well being.

By: Rebecca

Rebecca — Fri, 23 Oct 2009 20:40:50 +0000

Thanks for the kind thoughts, and the reassurance.

I have moments where I’m there, where I’m happy with who I am and who I see in the mirror, but they seem pretty fleeting. I guess that’s still better than a year ago (or five, or ten), when there were almost no moments like that. I know I’m on the right track, it’s just sometimes a sucky journey…

It also helps to think about it in terms of what’s set versus what’s to come. That is, I can’t change the past. But, now and in the future, I’ll never not be Rebecca. So someday that will overwhelm or overtake the past, even if it doesn’t feel like it right now.

(And hell yes, salt and butter on corn!)

By: timberwraith

timberwraith — Fri, 23 Oct 2009 18:21:35 +0000

Yes, I’ve had/have plenty of conversations with that same voice. *looks around nervously* I’m quite familiar with that voice, actually. I feel a little less odd knowing that another trans person has experienced this, too.

For me, she’s far more than a voice. She embodies a deep center of emotion/spirit/self-knowledge that runs down to the core of my being. Although I can certainly have an (internal) verbal exchange with this part of myself, she’s more an emotional presence than a simple voice. All in all, she is me: the part of me that exists after you strip away all of society’s conformist bullshit, the fear, and the self-hatred.

Over time, I learned that in spite of having lived 17 years identifying as a boy and another 8 trying to survive until I could transition, what mattered most is who I am at the core of my being. That part of myself is always there, regardless of whether I choose to pay attention to her or not. Over time, I grew to accept that this center of self makes me just as much of a woman as any other woman—regardless of the first 25 years of my life.

It gets much, much easier with time, Rebecca. It has been fifteen years since I transitioned. When I wake up in the morning, there’s no question of who I am. When I look into the mirror, a woman’s face stares back at me. I’m simply me. I’m Stacy.

When I look back upon the first 17 years of my life when I saw myself as a boy, it feels as though I’m peering into a different person’s memories. It’s an odd feeling, but the experience no longer fills me with self-doubt. I’m a woman. Nothing can change that simple fact.

You’re you, Rebecca. If this core of self didn’t exist, you wouldn’t have become the woman you now are. That part of yourself is always going to be there, in spite of self doubt and in spite of uncomfortable memories. Take faith that this center of being matters more than anything else.

I suspect that this probably sounds like corny New Aged navel gazing. Ah well. The shape and texture of emotions are often diminished when they are rendered as language.

Do you like salt and butter on corn? I do.