Queer, as in “Other”
I’ve been feeling queer this week. Unfortunately I don’t mean the good queer, of self-identification, pride, and a sense of community. I don’t mean queer. I’ve felt that way at times, and it’s definitely a feeling I want to foster and help grow. But right now, I’m feeling queer as in strange, odd, other. Like I don’t fit.
I think it’s something that’s been building all week. As I’m working on my show, I’ve been thinking a lot about my identity as trans, and the transition, and it’s reminded me how straight and heteronormative most of my friends are. Obviously that’s not a bad thing, but it’s made me feel a little alone being trans, let alone gay. We were watching How I Met Your Mother (a show that I’ve had issues with before) and they did yet another “man in drag as stand-in for ugly woman in a fantasy” sequence. The sequence wasn’t specifically about trans women, and there was no mention of “she’s a man” (as there has been more explicitly in the past), but it still made me upset. I’m not sure if I’m ready to give up on How I Met Your Mother, but I felt closer to calling it quits than I have before. (I know, I know, not watching a TV show isn’t exactly a huge deal, but it’s a show my roommate s and I watch together, and I’m the only one who has issues with it, so it’s feeding into my feeling queer.)
Then, on Wednesday, I went to a trans youth group in Chicago. I’ve been going off and on for over a year, and it’s – on the whole – been a positive experience. But I feel closer to the facilitators than I do to the other youth (the facilitators aren’t tons older than me). And I feel really bad saying this, but I sometimes think I’m the only youth coming to this group who has their shit together. That is, I know I’m super privileged – don’t have debt, have a full-time job, accepting friends and family and coworkers – and I’m definitely not faulting any of the other youth for having a harder situation than I do. But it also makes me feel like I don’t have much in common with them.
As I said, I’m also processing a lot as I try and get my show together. I’ve thought a lot about the idea of transitioning as being a teenager (self-discovery, figuring out identity and presentation, etc) and I don’t want to be a teenager anymore. I don’t have the time to be a teenager, and I feel stupid trying on new identities and modes of self-presentation to see what fits.
I also feel like all my posts this week have been whiny and obnoxious…
Themocracy
It’s your life.
It’s your blog whine as much as you want.
As for the not feeling connected and having your shit together.
B your an adult not a kid. Your body maybe behaving like a child/teen but your not a teen you have all
the rights prilidges(misspelled) of a women in your agegroup. Believe me I know how you feel but your who you are might as well enjoy it.
Cute coustume