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By Rebecca, October 29, 2009 11:04 pm

Somewhat difficult therapy session tonight. I was talking about how I wished I could see myself the way other people do, be it artistically, professionally, or personally. That I hear people compliment me or reassure me that I’m doing something well, and all I can think is, “Yeah, but I’m faking it. I don’t actually know what I’m doing.”

Laura, my therapist, said that that’s what being in your twenties is all about. In your teens, you don’t know what the hell you’re doing, but you don’t know you don’t know. In your twenties, you don’t know what you’re doing, but you know you don’t know. (I’m pretty sure there’s a George Carlin bit that starts off like this.)

That makes a lot of sense, but doesn’t exactly make it any easier to deal with.

Continue reading 'Being Supported'»

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By Rebecca, October 28, 2009 8:09 am

Definitely just found a gray hair.

Lovely.

Just in time for my 25th birthday, too. (Which is on Sunday, BTW.)

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By Rebecca, October 27, 2009 8:10 pm

Once again, gathered for your enjoyment, links!

• Halloween is a busy time of year for gender | The Bilerico Project – Oh Halloween…how I awkwardly used you as an excuse to dress in women’s clothing…
• Pam’s House Blend:: Q of the Day: Who Are The Natural Partners With The Trans Community…? – A question worth asking, and a discussion worth having.
• UN report recognizes transgender people, freaks out binary gender defenders – Feministing – Anything that freaks out binary gender defenders is a win in my book!
• Feministe » But The Animal Companions Are Doin’ It For Themselves – Disney Princesses and snarkiness.
• Pam’s House Blend:: Is It Transphobia Or Just Bad Journalism At Seventeen Magazine? – Can’t it be both?
• Friday Feminist Fuck Yeah: A Big Win for Transgender Rights – Feministing
• Star Wars Uncut Trailer Teases An Incredible Fan Production – Star wars uncut trailer – Gizmodo – Meanwhile, on the geek side of Rebecca’s personality… I may or may not be considering making my roommates help me do a segment for this. Don’t judge me.

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By Rebecca, October 26, 2009 12:54 am

…but anyone at all interested (or even if you’re not interested!) should check out Anal Sex Myths, pt 1 at Sex Etc… From the post:

Myth: Butt sex is painful- Butt sex can be painful, if you’re not careful and communicating closely with your partner. In short NO, BUTT SEX SHOULD NOT HURT. EVER. Everyone got that? If it hurts, it means something is wrong and you should stop, figure out what’s wrong, and keep going only if both partners are still up for it and ready. This is why you should never use a numbing agent. You could not realize you’re hurting until you’ve done serious damage.

Go read the rest!

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By Rebecca, October 25, 2009 9:45 pm

I just got back from a weekend (well, 16 hours) visiting one of my high school friends in Minneapolis. (I know you read this blog, so hi!) I drove up with one of my roommates on Saturday, arriving around 5:30PM, and left this afternoon at about quarter to one. We had a lot of fun – it was really great to see my friend’s house, spend a little bit of time (far too little!) with her son, and meet some of her friends at a Halloween party she and her husband were hosting. (I was undead – I’ll post pictures when I have some better ones…the ones from my camera weren’t great.)

Inadvertently, the party made me think more broadly about the idea of wearing costumes in our every-day life. First, because apparently queer people are really rare in Minnesota.

Continue reading 'Halloween Costumes, and Costumes for Life'»

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By Rebecca, October 23, 2009 3:39 am

I just finished re-reading Boylan’s I’m Looking Through You, and it’s brought up something that’s really been on my mind lately. From page 256 of the hardcover:

Shell looked thoughtful. “I don’t know, Jenny. About ninety percent of the time, you seem like the happiest person I know. And then, every once in a while, I”ll catch you looking out a window like that. I don’t get it. How come you’re so sad, if you’re happy?”

[snip]

“I don’t know, Shell. I said. I mulled it over. “I get tired sometimes, of being different.”

[snip]

I wiped my eyes. “It’s like, I went through this whole amazing change, and at last I feel content, at last I feel whole. But what about that kid I used ot be? What about all those memories? That’s the one thing they can’t give you in surgery: a new history.”

I’ve been having a really hard time with that: how do I reconcile who I am now, who I want to be, with who I was?

The weight of that history, of the twenty-plus years I was living as male, feels like it’s overwhelming the ten months I’ve been living full-time as Rebecca.

Already ten months? Only ten months?

Continue reading 'Reconciling regret'»

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By Rebecca, October 23, 2009 12:46 am

I was discussing my upcoming show with a friend recently, mentioning how I’m trying to keep my “success” threshold pretty low. Specifically, if the show goes off without too many disasters, has at least a few people come, and doesn’t massively suck, I’ll be happy.

She responded, “You’re such a Jew.”

I laughed, but said I didn’t quite get it.

She simply said, “Dayenu,” which made me understand the joke and laugh all the harder.

Continue reading 'If you’re Jewish and you know it, clap your hands'»

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By Rebecca, October 22, 2009 5:43 pm

I just got back from speaking to a class at Loyola in Chicago, and wanted to share some thoughts. (Hello to any of the members of the class who are now stopping by my blog! Y’all were awesome.) (Also, in the interest of full disclosure, saying I “just got back” is a slight exaggeration. I did just get back, but between speaking at the class and getting home I also stopped at H&M and DSW and, between them, spent $110. Consider yourself disclosed.)

The class was on social work in LGBT communities, and was made up of masters students looking to become therapists/social workers/etc. I’ll admit my ignorance here, in that I don’t know the technical difference between all those categories. The class has been talking all semester about what treating the LGBT population means, and the professor said he tries to bring in representatives from those communities – both individuals and therapists working within LGBT communities – to talk about their experiences. I was there because I’d been put in contact with the professor by my therapist, who has worked with him before.

Continue reading 'I’m an edjumacator'»

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By Rebecca, October 21, 2009 9:29 pm

At a trans group tonight, I was told I was “fishy.” I don’t know what this means. It’s somehow related to passing, but I don’t know whether being fishy is a “good” thing or a “bad” thing…

Help.

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By Rebecca, October 21, 2009 1:52 pm

This is an excerpt from the script I’m working on for Trans Form, which is going up this December. Enjoy!

I’m fourteen, sitting on the chair in my therapist’s office.

I started going to therapy by choice, because the year before, at thirteen, I still couldn’t get past the panic attacks and separation anxiety that had kept me from sleepovers and overnight school trips and sleep-away summer camp for as long as I could remember. The pattern was always the same: I would get excited about staying at a friends’ house, at an overnight event at the Museum of Science and Industry, at whatever. I would go, convincing myself that this time would be different, that this time I’d be able to make it all night.

But as we started to get ready for bed, the panic would creep up. For those of you who have had a panic attack before, you know how it feels. To everyone else, it was a very physical sensation, a creeping along my arms and legs to my core, to my center. My blood would start to rush, tears would inevitably spring to my eyes, and if I didn’t go home, if I didn’t get away from whatever mundane childhood experience was driving me to a panic, I’d go into fullblown hysterics.

Finally, the summer after seventh grade, when I’d missed most of the seventh grade weekend trip to Wisconsin because of a panic attack, I decided  I would go to the eighth grade trip to Washington DC. So I started seeing a therapist. We worked for months on controlled breathing, biofeedback techniques, ways to divert my focus from panicking.

But the trip to DC is in the past. (I made it, by the way, and haven’t had problems being away from home since.) Now, I’m fourteen, sitting in the chair at my therapist’s office, across from my parents, about to come out to them.

Continue reading 'Coming Out'»