On the Edge of Trolling, Pt 1
The definition of Troll from Urban Dictionary:
One who posts a deliberately provocative message to a newsgroup or message board with the intention of causing maximum disruption and argument.
Someone decided to grace a few of my posts with some comments that I would consider on the edge of trolling. That is, I think she believes what she’s saying and I’m not convinced she’s trying to cause “maximum disruption and argument,” but she’s definitely being rude and disruptive. Rather than approve her comments, or even just simply ignore them, I’m going to focus some posts on them and try to respond to what they’re saying as best I can. The goal of this is more to get my thoughts in order – and to hear from the peanut gallery – than to engage her in a discussion which her tone has indicate she isn’t willing to have.
First up, Anonymous posted a comment to Are You Undergoing a Transgender Experience:
I’m sorry, but it’s not rude to ask those kinds of questions– grow some thicker skin. You decided to do this, become a woman, and so– figure it the fuck out and stop crying about it.
And if you don’t pass, then figure that out too. You’re the one who wants this .
I actually can’t disagree with the core ‘advice’ of this comment: I do need to work on not taking things personally, and knowing how (and when) to pick my battles.
That said, Anonymous is mistaken in saying that the question I was asked was not rude. As I mentioned in the post she’s responding to, clumsily asking someone a personal question is rude. Equivilantly rude questions to people you just met include “Are you a gay?” and “So you’re having chemo, huh?”
Which isn’t to say the woman asking the question was ill-intentioned, as I also said in my original post.
As for passing, I’m not sure what “figuring it out” would mean. Does she mean I need to figure out how to pass better? No argument here, and I’m certainly working on it. Does she mean I need to deal with it and get over it? Likewise, although I think Anonymous is being a little blunt, she’s not wrong.
But I’m most confused by her saying “figure it the fuck out and stop crying about it” and “You’re the one who wants this.”
I don’t think I implied that the world needs to bow to me simply because I’m transitioning. I’m aware that I’m transitioning of my own volition, that trans men and women aren’t the most common or well-understood groups, and that it’s likely more people will express ignorance about trans issues than awareness. But I don’t think that the transition being my choice means that I shouldn’t hope for polite and respectful discourse and be frustrated when other people don’t live up to my (admittedly lofty) expectations.
Likewise, I’m pretty sure, after rereading my original post, that I wasn’t crying about it. I was certainly not happy about the question I’d been asked, and about not passing, but rather than sitting down and crying “Woe is me!” I tried to tease out what was bothering me and find a constructive way to proceed. On my blog. Which is often about my transitiong. And is, in fact, my attempts at figuring it the fuck out.
Themocracy
I think it’s often hard to decide if someone is a troll because there’s no shared history with them that puts their comments in context, and likewise there’s no body language or other interactions to assist you in understanding their intentions. As contrasted with your interaction with the woman who asked the question, where you could tell she didn’t have bad intentions.
And I agree that you have to learn how to pick your battles, but this commenter overlooks the fact that for trans people there are many, many more battles to chose from on a daily basis, which really changes the nature of this particular maturing process. After all, it’s a luxury to just be able to take a class or participate in a workshop without having to answer these kinds of questions and have your identity scrutinized. (I’m trying out “luxury” as a synonym for “privilege” to help my students conceptualize the concept, but I’m not sure about it just yet.)
As always, thanks for stopping by, Rachel! I think everything you say is spot on, so I’m going to focus more on the use of ‘luxury’ as synonymous with ‘privilege.’
I haven’t heard luxury used that way, but the more I think about it the more I like it. On the surface, they’re somewhat similar, but luxury implies a different degree of specialness or indulgence that gets to the heart of how it sometimes feels to be a member of a minority group.
As an example, I was recently at a pool party hosted by a trans group. I was the first time I’d been in a women’s swimsuit (last summer I managed to get by in awkward androgynous boymode) and it really felt like a luxury to not have to think about whether I was ‘passing’ or not.
I need to think more on the subtle differences between luxury and privilege, but my immediate reaction is “Spot on!”